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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that

30 replies

Angel786 · 17/10/2011 11:26

When visiting in laws at weekend Pissed me off again. Since dd, now 10 mths, the relationship with MiL has got v strained.

I always encourage her to spend time with dd, and she loves it. Sometimes it's over bearing but I know on,y because she gets so excited.

I always let her feed dd, usually I get the food ready, check temperature of it, hand to MiL to feed. At the weekend, I was heating the food, Mil took it out cold and I checked it and said it needed more time. I was about to take it out and MiL literally grabbed it, and said let me do it, I will do it, etc. About a thousand times q forcefully. I said there's no need to say it like that I would have let you do it anyway! She scurried off with food and put dd in a bouncer lying down (!) to feed the piping hot food. I intervened before shecstarted feed g and it was scalding so told her to wait.

I don't mind her feeding dd at all, but she's always so grabby / forceful. At family events I don't get to hold dd at all as MiL and FiL grab her. They made her cry recently so I took her to calm her down, they then tried to grab her back - I said I will bring hervover in a minute just let her settle, they then kept tryi g to grab her from my arms. I did give dd to them when she was calm, just hate the grabby / forceful thing.

OP posts:

EEEEKinthebeeswax · 17/10/2011 11:32

God, what awful manners! How on Earth do you not play hell with her?! Sounds like she is a bit possessive with your DD.
I found the bit with the feeding quite undermining, how dare she intrude like that? Does she think you are incapable?
Are they ignorant in general? What does your DP say?

OneNerveAndYouAreOnIt · 17/10/2011 11:33

lol at two grown adults tug of war over a baby and some food

stop being daft and relax and she will do the same

NinkyNonker · 17/10/2011 11:37

YANBU. I think OneNerve is being deliberately obtuse today.

needshelpwitheveryday · 17/10/2011 11:38

I think you need to get the hubby to have a chat and set some boundaries - I had a very similar problem. I actually found that they thought that I was being controlling and needed to chill out, they were being well meaning.

It is also important to remember that their children survived into adulthood and they probably feel you are not trusting them with the basics. Explain upfront how you like things done and try not to do it for them - it can be a real tongue biter but, there is simply no-one else in the world who will love your child the way they do.

I find that giving that moment to them alone makes them much more reasonable when you have to step in to prevent the "one sweetie wont hurt" or the "but she is loving the mud, ignore evil mummy" conversations later :-)

Good luck keep smiling and remember not to kill your other half when he sees their point of view!!! xx

EEEEKinthebeeswax · 17/10/2011 11:39

Agree with NinkyNonker YANBU.

She is your baby!

redskyatnight · 17/10/2011 11:40

Your post does come over as you don't like MiL having the baby and that you are "hovering" over when she does anything.

On the other hand she sounds a bit too enthusiastic. How often does she see DD?

I'd personally relax a bit- let MiL take charge of baby without feeling you need to check everything she does. Maybe let her take her for a walk in the pram or something?

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 17/10/2011 11:42

Ninky - not only me that's noticed it then

You have to say something, you can't let it carry on like this or you will end up burrying them in the veggie patch. It's hard to say without knowing them... but maybe just look her in the eye and say 'I'm dealing with this, I'll bring DD to you when I am ready'.

Good Luck.

Original poster

Angel786 · 17/10/2011 11:47

Thanks.

needs help dh did speak to them already, but this time he was in the lounge and Mil and I were in kitchen. Usually I don't say anything but got so annoyed with her demanding to feed (which I've never said no to!) and then just grabbing the food. eek I think she just wants to be involved in everything dd does which can be sweet as both in laws get v excited over dd but it just overwhelms me sometimes. They'll also grab the pram from me if I'm pushing etc and I know it's because they want to spend time with dd but MiL getsxso carried away she forgets safety.

I spoke to dh and he said I was clearly tense. I told him not to say anything to MiL this time as hopefully she got the message from me saying sh didn't need to speak like that. Just makes me feel a bit like I'm a nightmare DiL and always having to counter their pushiness.

OP posts:

OneOf8 · 17/10/2011 11:52

Must be the weekend for it! MIL done this to me at the weekend.

Really pissed me off as I work full time, and miss some evening meal times with DS due to work - but have no financial option at this time. Weekends are MY time with DS. What bothered me most was not just that she didn't ask, but the fact I stood there like an idiot.

Disclaimer - Am grateful the DS is loved by family and that they want to be involved, but sometimes I just wish they thought a little more about my feelings (selfish I know!)

LaDolcheRyvita · 17/10/2011 12:14

That sounds really annoying but....my MIL had/has NO INTEREST WHATSOVER in her only grandchild. I'd have loved a little "interference".

Original poster

Angel786 · 17/10/2011 12:16

oneof88 that's tough when you don't get to feed ds much yourself either. I'm still onmatleave but think the weeklyvisits will be cut downwhenim back at work. Otherwise I'll go nuts!

I agree its the assumption / grabbing that gets me too.

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OneOf8 · 17/10/2011 13:28

Its such a conflict - I want them to be involved as I loved being spoilt by my GPs when I was younger, but I want him all to myself when I can also - its a shame there is no way of having it both ways!!

I am dreading DS having a family in the future as know one day potential DIL will be "ooh MIL is such a mare, keeps offering help or dressing my child in clothes she has brought etc" -- (yes, MIL dressing DS in clothes I have not chosen really upsets me - not sure why, as rationally know I am supposed to be grateful!!) [hconfused]

Original poster

Angel786 · 17/10/2011 15:02

Omg our MiLs are cut from the same cloth! Mine makes dd clothes (v sweet gesture but the clothes are pretty awful im afraid) then tries to dress dd in them. Now, I put dd in those dresses when we visit mil but I don't let dd out and about in them .

When yup figure out the perfect balance let me know!

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OneOf8 · 17/10/2011 15:45

Ha ha, think I got the short straw!

Had a call from DP at lunch - he called to tell IL that he thought she was a bit abrupt with the feeding thing (I had not asked/suggested or otherwise he do this) apparently, it turned into "well if DIL doesn't want to say anything then you should respect her - but is she does, then maybe she should take more responsibility of her son altogether and look after him FT"
Am fuming.

I know it will always be hard being the MIL - but why make things harder?!? [hconfused]

Original poster

Angel786 · 17/10/2011 15:51

I would send a hug, but this will go down better

Deep breaths. Maybe try a time out from ILs for a while. Wish I could but we have family wedding this weekend and next weekend.

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DogsBeastFiend · 17/10/2011 16:03

Define "grab" for me please.

"Grabbing" the food. "Grabbing" the baby? A snatch out of your hands or just a bit faster than you move and got there first?

And why, oh why, wandering off on a tangent here, is it that when seemingly perfectly able, articulate women express issues with their ILs, will someone almost always tell them to get their DH to speak with the ILs?

Yes, their his parents, but it's not him whose complaining, is it, it's the DIL? Are we not capable women who are able to stand up for ourselves/express our grievances with ILs without having to get "hubby" to do it for us? Are we not big enough to fight our own battles?

fedupofnamechanging · 17/10/2011 16:05

OneOf8, you need to call your MIL and tell her that you are looking after your son FT, by providing for him financially, which is just as important as all the other stuff a parent does.

Honestly, don't let this kind of shitty remark slide. She ought to be pulled up on it. Does she spout this bollocks to her son, who presumably is also working to provide for his child?

To those posters who think that having a mil who is completely uninterested, is worse than having one who is overly interested, they are both equally problematic in that you have family who cause you upset, rather than being a help and support.

OP, I think your dp should have a tactful word with his mother - it will be better for her to hear it from him, rather than you, but she ought to be gently reminded that this is your baby and whether she considers you to be overprotective or not, it is your call to make.

Try the tactful approach and if this doesn't work then go with 'back the fuck off'. (Isay this only partly in jest).

GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 17/10/2011 16:05

eh? they are bashing you because you work? Idiots, they are on a fast track to misery with that one.

Blimey, they sound nice! I would wait till your DH gets home, chat about it some more, and then call up again explain patiently that this need not turn into a big thing, but that last comment was very nasty and needs to be apologised for. It comes from a place of hurt as they are obviously thinking "we are only trying to help, its because we love her so"

Also the feeding, holding etc will be done your terms, not the PILS. The baby is not a toy to be passed about and they need to understand that you and your DH will call the shots.

They need to be told in broad general terms and not cite every little thing that they do as that always turns into a fight. It is hard re-calling details "you klnow last saturday when we visited and we heated up the food and then you snatched it..." sounds petty. Go for the more-- "We love seeing you and love that you love DD so much, but you need to give us a bit of space and let us feed, hold, comfort the baby as we see fit and try not to feel pushed out by that. You will get plenty of hugs and time with the baby, just dont be so eager to do everything for us."

fedupofnamechanging · 17/10/2011 16:09

X posts with Dogs. I suggest getting dp to do it because criticism is easier to take when it comes from your own relative, they also are likely to be more tactful and having had years of dealing with this person, will maybe know how to phrase it for the best possible response.

I have had the blunt conversation myself with my mil, and also got my dh to have them wrt various 'issues' over the years. It's gone better when dh has done it. I would handle my own mother if necessary - I would view that as my place and it would be kinder to her imo.

DogsBeastFiend · 17/10/2011 16:18

I was reacting to needshelp's earlier post, Karma, but I my thoughts apply to other suggestions that DH speak to ILs when the DW has an issue with them - or vice versa for that matter.

If someone had pissed me off that much I wouldn't be worrying about being tactful, for a start, and would want PIL to know my views accurately and not merely in somebody else's words.

I dunno... I just bristle at that suggestion, it pushes all the wrong buttons for me. It feels very disempowering and as if it reduces a woman to little wifey who cannot be seen to have her own opinion or who is unable to speak up for herself. That may not, of course, be the case but there's no guarantee that the PIL know that or that others do.

Original poster

Angel786 · 17/10/2011 16:29

dogs in laws tend to take it better from dh than me, if I say sth they see it as disrespectful etc but not so much from him as he's their son. Grabbing means literally I will be holding dd and she will be lifted out of my arms. Not just them putting their arms out for me to pass her. Once dd spat up a little I got the muslin to wipe her mouth and mil grabbed it, I held onto it and we werectwo adults literally playing tug of warvover a muslin. Most times I let her carry on but sometimes itbjust irritates me so much I will make a point. I know it's immature etc but I'm only human!

karma I think I will let this one slide but one more and dh can deal with it.

ghastly you've hit the nail on the head. They love dd to bits but treat her as a toy, dressing her up like a doll (putting a headscarf on her :s) etc.

OP posts:

DogsBeastFiend · 17/10/2011 17:15

Angel, in that case I definitely wouldn't ask DH to intervene but would be happy to be seen as "disrespectful" instead. I'd be further "disrespectful" by saying in my best, stentorian German Shepherd owner tones "DO you mind NOT snatching my daughter from me!"

I tell you, they'd only try it once with me!

DogsBeastFiend · 17/10/2011 17:16

PS - "disrespectful" ... FFS, who do they think they are!

Original poster

Angel786 · 17/10/2011 17:24

Asian families dogs in my experience have different dynamics. Women still pretty much expected to be seen not heard. Even with the few tmes spoken up it's q shocking behaviour as MiL is v traditional (she didn't even get to pick dh name, her MiL did!).

I shall try the tone you suggest

OP posts:

skybluepearl · 17/10/2011 17:27

put baby in an ergo carrier maybe?

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