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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty about using my son as a selling point?

59 replies

OKStupid · 17/10/2011 01:59

Long story short, joined OKCupid - Single dad, Short to Average height (5'9, not ugly but not attractive, average wage at office based job (very geeky job so no women at work) and overall the kind of person who doesn't stand out from any crowd, let alone one trying to find a prospective mate online...

However, I have the most mind blowingly adorable son, who got his looks all from his very attractive mothers side. Huge blue eyes, mop of brown hair, and the cutest smile you could find on a 3 year old. I joined OKCupid but feel very lost in the crowd of desperate men all of which are either better looking/better paid than me, and starting a conversation which is meaningful in that kind of situation is tough. My friends wife recently suggested putting up some pictures of myself with my sprog because she agrees he's a little stunner, and going from there with meeting people (I have no trouble aiming for a meaningful relationship with a single mum, I love kids) and she thinks he could be a huge selling point.

Do you gals think this would be a bit unreasonable, featuring him in my photos/profile? I'm semi justifying it to myself by considering that if someone were to be in a relationship with me, he would be a huge part of their life, I have him pretty much all weekend every weekend, so it woudl be worth them seeing him/knowing about him. But then again it somehow feels sneaky for some reason.
Could I get some honest opinions?

OP posts:
ninedragons · 17/10/2011 02:02

I really wouldn't be pleased about that, if I were your DS's mother.

Once a photo is on the internet, you lose all control of it.

The world is full of ordinary people - most of us find our opposite number sooner or later!

NatashaBee · 17/10/2011 02:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
OKStupid · 17/10/2011 02:05

The losing control of the picture online is not the worry, it would be a perfectly innocent picture, with no details and EXIF data stripped, I'm not sure its the kind of thing that would come back to haunt a 3 year old.

OP posts:
StonedRosie · 17/10/2011 02:06

I do see your point,Ok, but I don't think the idea will be very popular on here.
Just mention your son, how much you love kids, how you're open to a relationship with a single mother etc - those are 'selling points' in themselves.
Pictures of the child can come later.

Original poster
OKStupid · 17/10/2011 02:06

Though I do understand your concern, I'm just viewing it mroe from a moral standpoint of the act. Sorry that last reply came across rude, thats not how I intended it at all I asure you :p

OP posts:
Original poster
OKStupid · 17/10/2011 02:07

StonedRosie, the problem with that is anyone just skimming my pictures wouldn't stop to bat an eyelid, but anyone who saw him would have a heart of stone to not say aww and be mroe interested if they're at all interested in kids.

OP posts:
StonedRosie · 17/10/2011 02:10

I think you're doing yourself down. I agree with ninedragons, there's someone for everyone. Not everyone will have the same opinion of you as you.

bottlebank · 17/10/2011 02:10

My X used to have a pic of him and our son as his dating profile pic.

I hated it. Our son didn't get to say whether his picture was all over the internet, nor as a prop for his father. And it was using him as a prop. He used the argument that he wanted to make sure people browsing understood he had a son but IMO that's not appropriate 'first look' information - mention it on your profile and maybe share a picture once you get to know one person in particular.

I really don't think that anyone, including a single mum(!!), is going to want to go out with you more because your kid is beautiful.

Why not try messaging people you think you might have stuff in common with, mentioning your son by all means and even saying that kids is one of the things you have in common. TBH reading your post, your love for your son shines through and that's nice - until you start talking about basically pimping him out in the hopes someone thinks "oh what a cute kid, I'll get to know his father better so I can hang out with him". Seriously? You think that'll happen?

Being a good, loving father might be a selling point but you can communicate that without showing pics of your son on an unmoderated, open-to-all site. Do you know how many people have OKCupid accounts? Loads, is the answer.

I would instantly discount someone who used their child in that way.

At the VERY VERY LEAST, BARE MINIMUM, ask your X if she consents to you putting a picture of your son on your dating profile.

Original poster
OKStupid · 17/10/2011 02:11

I like to think I'm a realist, rather than a pessimist ;)

OP posts:
Original poster
OKStupid · 17/10/2011 02:16

bottlebank, I used single mum as a term because 1) I'm straight, therefore single dads are ruled out, and 2) because I was using it as an example of me not minding if they had kids too. What else would they be other than a Single mum at that point :p

But yes, I don't think I'd be able to ask the X, she's a bit crazy (said I hit microphones in her sofa etc) I share looking after my son with my X's sister (its complicated, but everyone is more than happy) so I'm the only legal guardian with much of a say in most things.

It makes me sad that you say I want to pimp him, but it makes me sadder to think that myself, hence the guilt, I'm just pretty lonely and lack the cajones to not meet someone via text interface first :p

OP posts:
StonedRosie · 17/10/2011 02:22

What about no picture at all until you get chatting to someone - that's what I did when I joined match.com. I know it cuts down on the replies you might get but there are people who will still make contact based on the written blurb.

bottlebank · 17/10/2011 02:26

I hear what you are saying and I have been a single parent who is lonely. So has my X.

He did meet a few single mums/women with kids through the dating sites. He shagged a couple, too. I don't think including a pic of our son (who is also gorgeous), especially helped his 'hit rate'.

FWIW, as a single mum I was actually less likely to go for another single parent as I knew (because I had a kid), how complicated blending families might be and the emotions involved in dating when you have children. I would've been put off someone using an identifiable, face-on picture of their kid on a public profile.

My X eventually ended up with a girl who doesn't have kids, who he met through a shared interest (that old chestnut).

It sounds like you are hoping that if you add your son to your profile pic people will message you? There are a lot of studies out there and I believe that by some massive margain, women tend not to make first contact on dating sites. Have you been messaging women you think you might have something in common with?

Original poster
OKStupid · 17/10/2011 02:27

I'm afraid, working via experience, you're basing your advice on being a lady. I know this because you say that it will cut down the replies, and, as any man without a six pack on show will tell you, it's very hard to cut down a number as low as zero :p
I'm working on the assumption I have about 0.2 seconds before being dismissed by lovely ladies who have a whooole lot of choice. Its not the kind of place where personality shines through quickly I'm afraid :)

I think though, I'm going to take your advice, at least for now whiel I have more time to mull it over, it's not like I've got much to lose by delaying a few weeks to see how it goes anyway, right?

:)

OP posts:
bottlebank · 17/10/2011 02:30

Dude. OKCupid is not the place. I mean it. It's for hookups and surveys and stuff.

Guardian Soulmates is my top tip. Using a pay site makes cuts down the signal/noise ratio massively.

If you want to convince yourself you're a neckbeardy forever alone-r, OKCupid is the way to go. So don't rely on it.

Original poster
OKStupid · 17/10/2011 02:31

bottlebank, yes I'm more than aware that I'm the one who will be having to do the communication legwork. Its the meeting to "shag" thing that I have a problem with, theres plenty of promiscuous people about who I'm sure I could convince to grind against my genitals with some banter and alcohol, but, surprisingly, I've found looking for something meaningful is far more work than I'd have thought, considering so many people are looking for "serious" relationships, claiming tobe a man not looking for a one night stand is met with instant suspicion :p

OP posts:
Original poster
OKStupid · 17/10/2011 02:32

Haha neckbeard. I've never heard of Guardian soulmates, I might give it a look!

OP posts:
StonedRosie · 17/10/2011 02:35

Or that one Sarah Beany started!!

bottlebank · 17/10/2011 02:37

Do, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Do please consider investing (ie, paying), in your search. As a single dad you probably can't spare much time and as I'm sure you're aware, trawling bars is more miss than hit. At least on a site like Soulmates you know that at the very least all the women there care enough about finding someone significant that they've put their money where their mouth is (as it were). And the women you message will know, along with your carefully-written introductory message which demonstrates you have read their profile (top tip!), that you also take your search seriously.

You could even say "I went for a paid subscription just so I could message you", a (male), friend of mine has had VAST SUCCESS with that one.

StonedRosie · 17/10/2011 02:37

and, as any man without a six pack on show will tell you, it's very hard to cut down a number as low as zero :p

Well, it'll probably increase your responses then!!

Original poster
OKStupid · 17/10/2011 02:39

I am suspicious of Guardian soulmates, all the ladies there are stunning. I do hope this isn't social engineering to get people to cough up before putting "the reglurs" on show!

I have spare cash at the moment, I don't have a problem putting my money where my heart is... :)

OP posts:
FearfulYank · 17/10/2011 02:58

Good luck! And I agree with bottlebank.

Proudnscary · 17/10/2011 03:31

Err I'm sure you're a nice guy and everything but maybe work on your choice of words and obsession with looks rather than pimping your ds out.
Calling women 'ladies' (unless you are 5 years old or being ironic) is a bit vom. (And if you are only interested in 'stunning' women maybe try a different kind of website other than the Guardian one).
Also, while it's lovely you think your son is the most beautiful three year old ever created a) all parents think their dc are gorgeous and it might actually put off the 'single mums' you wish to attract if you gush about his physical other worldliness as it sounds rather ego driven and OTT and b) perhaps don't just bang on about his beauty, but all the other great things about him!

FearfulYank · 17/10/2011 03:36

I say "ladies." :)

OKStupid · 17/10/2011 03:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Proudnscary · 17/10/2011 03:55

Cheerfulyank - hey sister, whose side you on? Wink

OKstupid, nah can't be bothered. Shown your true colours though haven't you! So very quickly as well.