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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU regarding picking DSS up?

27 replies

whackamole · 14/10/2011 21:13

DSS' mum moved 200 miles away about 6 weeks ago. We don't have a car, so have to do half-way pick ups and drop offs. So far, we haven't had any visits since the move, partly because we were only given 3 weeks notice of the move and just couldn't work things with work etc.

OH wants DSS to come and visit from next Saturday to the following Saturday as it is his half term. I wouldn't have a problem with this, except I will actually be 40 weeks pregnant next Saturday.

If I have had the baby by then, I have no problem with DSS being here as OH will be on paternity leave. If I haven't, then I will basically be alone looking after DSS and DTS who are 2.8. Plus, we have a problem that we have no one to look after the children when I go into labour.

OH is currently arranging that his dad will go and do the collection, which is kind of him (first time volunteering for anything I might add! Haven't seen him since January) so that takes a load off my mind, but I really don't want to be the one to have to do the entertaining etc at 40-41 weeks pregnant. Plus, I am really not feeling well with this pregnancy at all.

BTW, I really do want to see DSS, this has nothing to do with him exactly, just the timing couldn't be worse from my perspective.

AIBU? Or have I not thought about something that could sort everything out? Also, if I haven't had the baby till the second weekend, it means OH has to do the drop off, which means a 5 hour round trip with DSS while I am home alone with DTS, which at 41 weeks I really don't want to be doing!

Sorry for the length

OP posts:

Original poster

whackamole · 14/10/2011 21:14

Oh, and I have told OH that if I haven't had the baby yet then I would prefer to not have DSS here, and given him the reasons above. He is talking to his dad like it is a done deal, I'm hoping he'll come in here in a minute and tell me that if the baby isn't here we will scrap the plan completely for the time being.

OP posts:

hairylights · 14/10/2011 22:03

This is a really difficult one. Considering your lack of childcare if you go in to labour your DH will have to be at home anyway while you're in labour.

Your DSS relationship with his dad, dsm and siblings should not suffer because you've decided to have a child so I think he should come. But if your DH is going to be in work then why can't he come for the weekend on this occasion instead if the week, with your father in law collecting and drooping off.

Otherwise your DH should take the week off as annual leave to spend time as a family.

PelvicFlAAAAARGHOfSteel · 14/10/2011 22:06

How old is DSS? I only had one 2.8yo when I was 40 weeks preg and that was more than enough. Unless DSS is old enough to be pretty self-sufficient this isn't very fair on you.

PrincessScrumpy · 14/10/2011 22:09

I think it's important for dss to see his dad and although it's unfortunate timing, I think you need to go with it. Agree that dh should take holiday though so he's there or just make it a weekend.

My friend's ex had a baby with the woman he had an affair with 3 weeks ago and for 2 weeks said he couldn't have his 3 dds as his baby was due - my friend's attitude was that it wasn't her problem, he needs to sort childcare as it was his turn to have the kids (although she works so it affected whether she could go to work). I kind of see where she's coming from. How is you dp's ex about it all?

squeakytoy · 14/10/2011 22:24

If his grandparents (your in-laws) live near by too, then if you do go into labour, surely your stepson could go to stay with them?

Sirzy · 14/10/2011 22:30

It's a hard one but i think expecting him not to see his son is wrong, but it's asking a lot of you at the same time.

How old is he? If you live near where he used to would you be able to arrange for him to catch up with some old friends?

Dialsmavis · 14/10/2011 22:33

YABU but sort of understandably. I think that you have to suck it up (hate that phrase) even though it will be hard. You didn't choose for DSS to move but nor did he. You risk really really upsetting him and making him feel unwanted if you don't let him visit, its not fair. How old is he? You also have to think you would have no choice in coping if he was living with you!
*I say all this as someone who has recently moved my DS 100 miles away from his Dad and he is really vulnerable about not seeing his Dad regularly (I have done everything I can to facilitate them seeing each other but unfortunately I am only 50% of the equation)

blackeyedsusan · 14/10/2011 22:33

what is planned for your children when you go into labour?

thisisyesterday · 14/10/2011 22:34

yeah the timing is really pants... but think how you would feel if it was your son and you hadn't seen him for over 6 weeks?

it will be a pain, and i'll be honest, i'm surprised your OH hasn't booked the week off work to spend with his son, but you'll manage. somehow!

Original poster

whackamole · 15/10/2011 01:32

Thanks for all your input. DSS is 10 BTW, so old enough to spend all day on the xbox, but not really fair on him to expect him to!

OH can't take any holiday time off, as unfortunately he had already taken most of it when we were told they were moving (we were at the end of a weeks holiday with DSS when we got the news).

PIL/my parents - mine are 200 miles away so not an option. FIL is next to useless, am surprised he has said yes to this TBH as he literally hasn't seen or spoken to us (bar a fleeting visit a couple of weeks ago) since January. Not through want of trying on our behalf BTW. MIL works in a school as a SENCO so can't take time off - also she is really ill with labyrinthitis (sp?) at the moment so not really able to help that much.

When I go into labour, if it's not the weekend (so my mum can drive up to be with the children) unfortunately the plan is that I go in and give birth alone, at least until mum can get here :( this obviously wouldn't change if DSS is here, but I think it's really unfair on him as well as me that he could possibly spend a week in my really boring company. He doesn't have any relatives (other than PIL and great-grandparents) around here, and also doesn't have any friends as prior to this move, they were living 30 miles away.

I know I'm being unreasonable, but I'm really trying not to be. The only option I can see at the moment is OH starting his paternity leave next week regardless of whether I have had the baby or not. Of course this then means that if I don't go into labour until 42 weeks, or am induced, then we risk me being by myself in the initial first few days. (Actually this doesn't bother me as much - I can arrange for my mum to come and stay for a couple of days, she has already said she will. She won't be able to do this 2 weeks on the trot though). I'm just so upset that the assumption was made that it's ok for him to come for a whole week without even asking me. OH hasn't brought up the subject with DSS mum yet, he is planning on calling her tomorrow.

Also, I know he is on half term that week, but it would just be so much easier for me (admittedly very selfish) if on this one occasion, he could come maybe 2 or 3 weekends on the trot. I know it's not ideal, but I just feel so rotten at the moment that I really feel I will not be good company at all. I am struggling with the little ones when they are here not at nursery as it is.

Sorry again for the long one, I am feeling very hormonal and upset at the moment partly due to this issue partly due to other stuff, it has helped to read other perspectives and get my thoughts down.

OP posts:

AllThreeWays · 15/10/2011 02:56

i think that if OH is arranging for DSS to come and spend a week with YOU at 40+ weeks pregnant YANBU.
If he had time off then it would be fine

Jacksmania · 15/10/2011 04:56

I'm really shocked at everyone who's said that is OP is being unreasonable. Seriously? She's 40 wks pregnant and has twins already... how knackered will she be??
Yes, it's pants in terms of timing. And yes, it would be hard to tell the stepson he can't come because his stepmum is ready to pop any minute. But really, how much fun will he have hanging out with a tired heavily pg woman and little twins, esp when his stepmum is feeling rotten.
OP, this situation sucks, I don't blame you for feeling as you do. I have no good advice but in your shoes I would feel exactly the same... "no please, not one more thing to deal with!!"

margerykemp · 15/10/2011 05:52

I dont see the point of dss coming for a week if his dad will be at work the whole time. Surely a 10yr old doesnt want to spend a week stuck in with a heavily pg woman and two toddlers?

nectarina · 15/10/2011 08:13

I'm with jacks and margery - ya totally not bu. Tell dh that if he's not off work the dss needs to come for a weekend - he gets to spend time with his dad, you have one less thing on your plate...
If it was me i'd ask that dss came after the baby at a time when you're not stressed and can make more of a fuss of him. I don't see the point of him coming when he'll feel like he's in the way.
You sound like a very reasonable and generous in this situation - it would perhaps be best for all that you put your foot down.

GuillotinedMaryLacey · 15/10/2011 08:19

I'm surprised at the timing as well given your DH is at work all through the week. Doesn't really tie in with those who said its unfair for dad and son not to see each other. Add the 40 weeks on top of that and I think it's a bit bonkers. There must be a way round this. It isn't fair on you or the boy.

ballstoit · 15/10/2011 08:39

Sorry, I think YABU, DSS is as much a part of your family as your own DTs.

If you've not had the baby, then I guess DSS would actually be pretty helpful to have around - playing with DTs, able to get basic snacks etc. My ex's boys come to me once a month and really enjoy the responsibility of 'helping' with their younger half siblings.

If you have had the baby, then it will be lovely for DSS to form a bond and spend time with him/her.

I also think it's a bit harsh on FIL to expect him to drive up and back again 2 or 3 weekends, he's doing DH a big favour in agreeing to do it for the weeks stay. My guess is that he's unlikely to do it, meaning DSS will miss out on seeing his Dad for more than 1 weekend in 12 weeks (til Christmas holidays). That's not fair on DSS, DH or your own DC.

wantadvice · 15/10/2011 08:46

Havent read every post but I cant see how you are bu. 40 weeks pregnant and looking after toddler twins! I would assume your dp would only have your dss for a week if he was on holiday himself at a time like this. You are not saying that if you werent heavily pregnant about to give birth etc you wouldnt have him.

mollymawk · 15/10/2011 08:48

Actually you might be better off with DSS than without. I have 3 nephews who have all been really helpful with my younger DCs from the age of about 8. He could be a godsend - playing with the little ones, helping push the buggy if you go out etc.

Proudnreallyveryscary · 15/10/2011 08:48

Nothing should stand in front of DSS seeing his dad so you are just going to have to make this work. If you do cancel the son will feel snubbed and second best to his dad's 'new family' and 'new baby. He might even deeply resent the baby.

When I say 'you' I mean you plural though - in fact it's your dp's duty to sort this. He will have to take holiday to see him. My son is nearly 10 and sitting him in front of the X box is not something I'd want to do. Plus he's coming to see his dad first and foremost.

I appreciate you personally are in a very tricky situation and don't think it's fair for you to look after 3 kids while at full term.

mumofthreekids · 15/10/2011 09:01

But how can you say DP must take holiday if he hasn't got any left?

I agree a whole week seems too long. A weekend or long weekend might be a fair compromise.

squeakytoy · 15/10/2011 09:08

Those two toddlers are also his little siblings and even if his dad isn't there, he probably still wants to see them.

IAmSamSamIAm · 15/10/2011 09:13

If he hasn't mentioned this to DSS mum yet, it's likely she's made plans for the half term anyway, isn't it?

YA (definitely) NBU, it's lovely he wants to do this to see his son but if he's going to be at work then it's a stinker of a time to make arrangements like this, the visit needs to be shorter on this occasion.

RandomMess · 15/10/2011 09:20

Get your DSS on board to help entertain the DTs. Big it up and ask him to help. You haven't seen your DSS for quite a while so hopefully the novelty factor will help.

Get lots of convenience food in etc etc It is far from ideal but imagine how excluded DSS will feel if the visit is on the cards and it's cancelled.

hairylights · 15/10/2011 09:41

Your DH could apply for parental leave (although it's very short notice). A week unpaid is surely preferably to pushing his son out of the equation at a time he will be feelin vulnerable and left out already?

AmberLeaf · 15/10/2011 10:45

I can understand how you feel, however if DSS was your DS you wouldnt have the option of whether he was there or not!

I get that you feel very tired and the prospect is daunting.

But I think you are at risk of making DSS feel very pushed out and excluded from your family.

Im surprised half term hasnt yet been discussed though, do you think that DSs mum has assumed he wont be going due to your due date anyway?

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