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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Get DS christened without telling his dad?

32 replies

HolyQ · 13/10/2011 07:28

DS is almost 4 and doesn't have any contact with XP due to his violence (which was also towards DS in the end)

I keep in contact with XP via email, and keep him updated on his medical conditions, but try to keep the amount of contact minimal due to him trying to be emotionally abusive even over email.

I feel as though I probably should tell him about our DS's upcoming baptism, but fear that if he did find out, he would research as to where it was being done, and as I live in a small village, once he found out where the church was, he would have stumbled across our home before he even got to the church. He hasn't been allowed to know where we live for almost 2 years, we were rehoused to escape him.

I'm a bit torn..

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/10/2011 07:30

You would be insane to tell him. There is no reason he needs to know. He doesnt deserve to know anything about a child he has been violent towards.

IloveJudgeJudy · 13/10/2011 07:30

Normally I would say you need to keep your DS's dad informed as you have been doing, but in this instance it seems too risky for both you and your DS. I would not tell him. He's lucky you keep him informed at all.

Andrewofgg · 13/10/2011 07:33

I do not see how he is going to be able to research where it is going to be done so I am doubtful whether you should keep it from him.

You should certainly let him know afterwards.

Original poster
HolyQ · 13/10/2011 07:35

Thank you.

I have been mulling this over for a few days and although I was worried about telling him, I was unsure if I was 'obliged' to tell him.

Should I tell him afterwards? "I just need to let you know that DS has been christened" ?

OP posts:
Original poster
HolyQ · 13/10/2011 07:37

Andrew, XP lives in the nearest own to us, I don't know if he would be able to research, it's just what I fear. I wouldn't know how he would go about it.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/10/2011 07:38

What will be gained to you or your son by telling him? It is possible that it will make him kick off at you even by email for keeping it from him or not inviting him.

If he isnt allowed to know where you or your son are, then there really is no reason why you should tell him, as it will not make any difference to your childs life.

PoppadumPreach · 13/10/2011 07:39

Agree with previous posters. I think when you are violent towards your own child you pretty much forfeit any right to further access or information about that child. The fact that you have had to be rehoused due to his violence towards you means absolutely you cannot risk him getting an idea as to where you live.

You sound like a very considerate person, however, and your son is lucky to have you!

Original poster
HolyQ · 13/10/2011 07:46

Thank you PP :)

I don't know if he would kick off or not, sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't.

I don't think I'm going to tell him, there is no point as I certainly wouldn't be able to invite him.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 13/10/2011 07:47

Forfeit access, yes, forfeit information, no. As DS grows up he should be kept informed - by means which protect your privacy - of how he is doing. One fine day, and I know this is an unwelcome thought, DS may want to contact his father and there will be an age at which he has the right to do so regardless of your wishes; I would guess about 14/15, obviously 18 at highest - in which case XP should know something about him.

Original poster
HolyQ · 13/10/2011 07:53

I do keep XP informed mostly, I email him telling him how he is getting along, and keep him updated on his medical conditions and send him photos.

I have always wanted DS to know his dad! He has a right to know. I have offered XP supervised access but he hasn't been interested.

OP posts:
GreyRosesAreMyFavourite · 13/10/2011 07:55

You'd be crazy to tell him. I wouldn't tell him afterwards either.

But do please mention to the vicar that your son's full name must not go on the service sheet. These are often online nowadays afterwards and so if your X does a google search of your son's name, he'd find the church and location. I would not be surprised at an abusive x regularly doing Internet searches on your's and your ds's names - so it's an important consideration.

I hope you have a lovely day for the christening.

Original poster
HolyQ · 13/10/2011 07:59

XP knows all about DS's interests and hobbies, what he likes and if he goes on any big trips he knows about that too and gets any photos that doesn't compromise our situation.
I'm not doing this to get at XP, I'm doing it for our safety. I have always tried to be reasonable, despite him just giving me nothing but abuse every time I contact him.

I have to go to work now, but I shall check in later

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 13/10/2011 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 13/10/2011 08:08

You shouldn't tell him as you don't know what his reaction is going to be.

How you should decide things like this are; Does he still pose any risk, what the potential risk is, how is your DS going to benefit from him knowing.

Churches very often announce who the services arte going to be for beforehand, you will have to speak to them if you don't want this doing.

I take it that this wasn't reported to the police? If it was being handled by professionals, the answer would be that he was not to attend seeming as contact has not been brought up.

Take photographs that you are going to put away for DS's dad. From the age of 10 your DS can start to ask for contact, it will be given if he requests it from the age of 12.

Birdsgottafly · 13/10/2011 08:09

X post, there still seems to be a risk from your ex, it should be letterbox (or in your case email) contact only, then.

HowlingWereWolfBitch · 13/10/2011 08:12

You and your sons need for safety far outweigh XPs right to information. I think you have been very brave to keep in contact after the fact that you had to actually escape this man.

Your son will understand your reasoning when he is older. You are just protecting your family and that comes first.

YANBU.

MurderBloodstabsandgore · 13/10/2011 08:19

The I read the title I thought 'if someone Christened my child without my knowledge I would be beyond furious'.....

but in the circs you have stated, your and your son's safety comes first.

Don't tell him, now or after, if you think there may be fallout.

you have done more than he deserves by staying in contact :)

pigletmania · 13/10/2011 09:19

I was going to say yabvu but under those circumstances you describe yanbu at all, noway. He sounds like a violen and abusive man, you and your ds safety comes first

TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 13/10/2011 09:45

I was thinking you probably should tell him until I got to the rehoused bit.

Don't tell him.

You have been unbelievably reasonable thus far.

Hardgoing · 13/10/2011 09:47

Safety first, don't tell him. If he wanted to know that much what was going on, he would turn up for supervised access and your son could tell him himself. He doesn't, and he's violent, I would give him no identifying information whatsoever.

Hardgoing · 13/10/2011 09:48

And, under the circumstances, you are being more than reasonable, however, you will need to be careful in the future that these photos you so kindly send don't have a school logo or identifying details on. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, you sound more than nice about it.

pigletmania · 13/10/2011 09:53

The fact that he has been violent and abusive especially toward his ds, he does forfeits his rights IMO. Yes in the future your ds may want to know about his father and to meet him, at the moment you have to protect your ds first and foremost

SenoritaViva · 13/10/2011 09:55

I was going to come on and say YABU, but with the details you gave I think you would be VVU to tell him. Your son's and your safety is paramount, he forfeited any rights when he became abusive.

Andrewofgg · 13/10/2011 10:00

You know what, OP, you're not going to care but I have to put myself right, I was wrong and those who said don't tell him were right. Don't tell him. Sorry to have got it so wrong.

Pollykitten · 13/10/2011 10:05

Agree with all the 'don't tell him' posters and, in addition, if he was in any way religious, it would be hard to imagine how he could behave as he does (and believe some of the basics required). If he isn't religious, he won't care anyway as it will be meaningless. So double reason not to tell him.