To consider quietly dropping an old friend?

[LeNomCaChange]

I've namechanged as my usual nickname is quite recognizable IRL.

I've been friends with this woman since we were kids. She can be a right cow, but she can also really come through for a friend and can be great. I really am in two minds.

Basically, I'm having trouble forgiving her for trying to stuff up my wedding. She was (I found out much later) very offended that I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid (it was a very small wedding).

She knows, from my confiding in her in the past, that my sister (who was a bridesmaid) has a tendency to have a bit too much to drink on family occasions and have a meltdown, usually ruining the whole evening.

Turns out she also knows, again from things I've confided to her in private, exactly how to push my sister's buttons. She singled my sister out for conversation and insisted on talking about very personal stuff that upset my sister a lot. She doesn't even know DS that well...

My sister, predictably enough, had to leave early in floods of tears. As this isn't out of character, I didn't find out what happened until much later. I flagged up to my friend in an email that I knew what had happened and was unimpressed. She didn't reply and we were out of touch for months.

After a while, once I'd worked out what her problem was, I sent her a note and a present, apologizing for not realizing how much it would hurt her not to be my bridesmaid. No apology in return, but I figured that she has been such a good friend in the past, I'd let it slide. She did support me through my previous divorce and the death of my mother.

However, as time goes by, I'm still pissed off. It doesn't help that she's going through some stress at work at the moment - I don't mind listening to her problems, but I do get annoyed when she tries to make herself feel better by putting me down. I have PND myself at the mo (which could be clouding my judgement), but she wouldn't know that as I can't get a word in edgeways over her litany of complaints.

Last time I popped in to see her, she picked up my baby daughter and said - I quote - "oh, you poor thing! You look just like your Daddy and that's not a good look on a girl." It was so mean it was funny really but, on the other hand, I don't really want to spend that much time with someone who wants to make me feel bad.

So, should I quietly let the friendship drop? On the one hand, she's been really supportive at the worst times in my life (as I have of her, I hope). On the other, she does love to embarass me in public, recounting things I wish I hadn't done, or have told her in confidence, in front of all her friends, and I'm really having a hard time getting past the wedding thing.

AIBU?

[Icelollycraving]

Why did you resurrect this friendship? She sounds thoroughly toxic. I don't think you should give her your time,move away from the relationship.

[suburbophobe]

Yes, she definately sounds toxic!

You do NOT bring up stuff in public that was told to you in confidence and play people out against each other!

And what a bitch she is for saying that about your daughter!!

Sounds as if she's jealous of you actually.

Life is too short to surround yourself with negative people!

Hope you get over the PND soon! ((hugs))

[royaljelly]

Some peolple are nice to your face just so they can sh*t on you later. Drop her as a close friend but keep her as social 'hello'. Y ou never know when you may need her.

Oh great now I sound like a faux friend person....I guess I am!

[Nanny0gg]

No you are not BU at all.
You will never be able to trust her with anything, so where's the friendship? And I think she sounds like LeQueen's friend - she's only happy when you're not.

As to what she said to your baby - what a cow!

Walk away.

[LemonDifficult]

It think you are over-compensating for your PND and giving this woman more benefit than she deserves. Drop her gently as you suggest.

And, yes, I agree she sounds jealous of you.

[PessimisticMissPiggy]

I wouldn't gently drop her, I'd down right cut her out. How very dare she try to ruin your wedding?! The fact that she was invited to your small wedding was a privilege enough.

You have different friends at different stages in your life and whilst she was a support in some times of need that does not excuse her behaviour.

Be strong. You deserve a better friend.

[FootballFriendSays]

I'd give up on her. Hard to do as you feel you've shared a lot but if it's getting you down it's not worth it. You'll eventually feel much better about it all.

[whackamole]

She sounds absolutely horrible. Just drop her. Don't bother about the gently.

[HecateGoddessOfTheNight]

toxic people often maintain a bit of 'niceness'. It's how they convince you that they're ok really and make you doubt yourself.

Like the abusive husband who buys you flowers and you go "oh, but he can be so nice... sometimes..."

If someone was a Grade-A bastard day in day out, it would be so much clearer and simpler, wouldn't it?

[Thingiebob]

She sounds thoroughly unpleasant. Drop her.

[iscream]

I don't think I would care to be friends with someone who betrays your confidence, and who thinks it is ok to target your sister and upset her like that. She sounds toxic and completely untrustworthy.

[redexpat]

You have to put yourself first and people who put you down to make themselves feel better are not the sort of friends you need. When things are good for both of you then maybe you can go out together and have a laugh, but I wouldn't actively pursue it. You sound as if you have done everything you can to fix the relationship and it hasn't worked. DOwngrade, move on.

[KnockKnockWhosThereIDidAp]

I know what you're saying about PND clouding your judgement. I'm having problems with a friend of mine and I honestly can't work out if she's really let me down or if I'm being oversensitive. I was actually thinking of getting the MN jury to decide for me but there are so many pernickity little details that I can't be bothered with it! Anyway, what I'd suggest is leaving it until Christmas say, and see how you feel then. Don't think about her or talk about her for now and see how you feel about everything once it's at a distance and you've got fresh eyes for it.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

[LeNomCaChange]

Thanks guys! I've been feeling really guilty about wanting to drop the friendship, especially as she recently gave me a ton of baby clothes she didn't need any more, I thought maybe i was being a bitch.

But like LeQueen says, every time I've spent time with her, I come away feeling worse about myself, and stressed. I think she probably is jealous - she probably thinks I have a perfect life, as I don't like to go on about my problems and do a pretty good impression of 'everything's fine'.

Feel a bit better now about slinking off into the distance...

[Laquitar]

LeQueen i had a 'friend' exactly like yours. Gifts and perfumes every time that she knew i begin to see through her. Engineering things involving others. Always happy to hear my bad news but nasty when i had good news. With this kind of people you think in the begining that they are very caring, the ones who run to people when there is bad news and they are not bored to hear you crying for hours and they pass you tissues. They actually enjoy it.

They say that a good friend is the one who sticks around in your bad moments. I say that a good friend is the one who sticks around in your happy moments. The one who can share your happiness, not only your saddness.

OP there is nothing bad about getting rid of toxic people. You will feel 10 kilos lighter.

[Laquitar]

'writting to DH and telling him i'd been consistently unfaithful to him from the day we met'.
Blimey! Good job you got rid of her.

[PinotScreechio]

Oh Hecate that is so true.

[Pollykitten]

Agree agree agree! She's what I call an ambulance chaser - loves drama, loves misery, it makes her feel important, but can't relate in 'peace time' so to speak. Plainly jealous, plainly inadequate etc. On a more positive note, I had a friend who was incredibly unpleasant to me at her hen do (which I organised) and her wedding but later managed a full apology and had the decency to admit she was jealous. We've since come miles and miles from that time and are better friends than before. This person, however, doesn't sound capable of that.

[Pollykitten]

Anyone remember the line in Spaced, when Twist says to Daisy "come on Dais, stop feeling like big, fat, ugly failure"! And Daisy was perfectly happy before that remark....reminds me of that!!

[HattiFattner]

are you best friends with my sister? Sounds suspiciously like her....

These people call you as soon as you have anything going on - its like they want to suck the marrow of your misery.

And the rehashing of old history, embarrassing you in public...been there, done that. My DSis brings up stuff from when she was 8 and I was 15. Yes, I probably was a teenaged cow, but who isnt awful at 15. Im now late 40s, and its like we have nothing BUT ancient history to talk about.

My dsis also likes to drive big wedges between me and other family members. WHen she had her last baby, he was very sick and in london hospital for a long time. She claims I never contacted her, never offered to help....(all lies...I offered to take her other kids for weeks, I offered to organise grocery deliveries, I went up to London and took her out and bought her clothes and toiletries and baby stuff. I even offered to express for her baby, as she wasnt able to. But according to her history, I never contacted her.)

So now I just dont have much to do with her. I dont contact her, I speak to her if she calls, but I dont engage with her.