To consider quietly dropping an old friend?

[LeNomCaChange]

I've namechanged as my usual nickname is quite recognizable IRL.

I've been friends with this woman since we were kids. She can be a right cow, but she can also really come through for a friend and can be great. I really am in two minds.

Basically, I'm having trouble forgiving her for trying to stuff up my wedding. She was (I found out much later) very offended that I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid (it was a very small wedding).

She knows, from my confiding in her in the past, that my sister (who was a bridesmaid) has a tendency to have a bit too much to drink on family occasions and have a meltdown, usually ruining the whole evening.

Turns out she also knows, again from things I've confided to her in private, exactly how to push my sister's buttons. She singled my sister out for conversation and insisted on talking about very personal stuff that upset my sister a lot. She doesn't even know DS that well...

My sister, predictably enough, had to leave early in floods of tears. As this isn't out of character, I didn't find out what happened until much later. I flagged up to my friend in an email that I knew what had happened and was unimpressed. She didn't reply and we were out of touch for months.

After a while, once I'd worked out what her problem was, I sent her a note and a present, apologizing for not realizing how much it would hurt her not to be my bridesmaid. No apology in return, but I figured that she has been such a good friend in the past, I'd let it slide. She did support me through my previous divorce and the death of my mother.

However, as time goes by, I'm still pissed off. It doesn't help that she's going through some stress at work at the moment - I don't mind listening to her problems, but I do get annoyed when she tries to make herself feel better by putting me down. I have PND myself at the mo (which could be clouding my judgement), but she wouldn't know that as I can't get a word in edgeways over her litany of complaints.

Last time I popped in to see her, she picked up my baby daughter and said - I quote - "oh, you poor thing! You look just like your Daddy and that's not a good look on a girl." It was so mean it was funny really but, on the other hand, I don't really want to spend that much time with someone who wants to make me feel bad.

So, should I quietly let the friendship drop? On the one hand, she's been really supportive at the worst times in my life (as I have of her, I hope). On the other, she does love to embarass me in public, recounting things I wish I hadn't done, or have told her in confidence, in front of all her friends, and I'm really having a hard time getting past the wedding thing.

AIBU?

[HecateGoddessOfTheNight]

No. I don't think it's over the top.

If someone treats you like shit, keeps putting you down, sticking the boot in and seems to only be happy by making you miserable - they're toxic.

It's not really your problem why they're fucked up and you are under no obligation to keep them in your life.

Horrible people being pandered to and their feelings being protected while they treat others like shit is why they carry on doing it. oooh, they're being horrible to me but I just have to take it or they'll be upset... no chance!!

If people who treated others like shit on their shoe faced consequences for their actions - like people backing away with a 'sod that. I'm worth more than to be treated like this' - then they might start treating others with respect.

[FootballFriendSays]

"recognising this straightaway as not good for me and moving quietly away..." Well said. Good luck.

[LeNomCaChange]

Thanks again ladies for all your feedback - it's been very helpful to see such a unanimous response.

NanaNina - I see what you're saying and maybe the word toxic just seems too nasty (although keep in mind that people are venting here, not saying things they would throw at someone IRL).

However, I've known this woman since we were 9 years old. Nothing that bad happened in her childhood. My own childhood was fairly chaotic and miserable, living in a house full of people with mental health problems, and I've little sympathy for people who feel they have a right or a need to take it out on other people when they feel bad.

I have made a lot of excuses for people in the past and tried hard to be understanding - which has always led to me being taken advantage off and treated like rubbish (you would think I'd learn by now!), so gradually as I'm getting older I think I'm learning to stop emotionally supporting people who treat me like crap.

I guess that's my hang-up from childhood - I accept criticism, undermining and being sidelined as my lot, instead of recognising this straightaway as not good for me and moving quietly away...

[ladydeedy]

she sounds very passive aggressive and very similar to an ex friend of mine. For your own sanity get rid of her! You are worth more. She is not a true friend and you need to look after yourself.
Ask yourself the question - is she a "drain" or a "radiator"? If you are not gaining from the relationship and not enjoying it, drop her like a stone.

[NanaNina]

Oh lord I cannot count the number of posters who are calling this unknown woman toxic - isn't that a little over the top. This woman/friend clearly has a lot of problems herself, and yes she is behaving badly but to call her toxic is unacceptable I think. People aren't nasty, jealous, etc for no reason - it means that something has gone wrong for them in their childhood. Most people who are having emotional difficulties becasue of their past lives are not aware of this. It is not a conscious thing, and they will not have any realisation of where their behaviours have come from. Sadly emotional intelligence in society is sadly lacking.

SO some of you women who are calling another woman toxic - what behaviours have you brought with you from the past - have a look deep inside yourselves and be honest, and then think back to where it might have come from. Our adulthood is a re-eanctment of childhood experiences.

OK maybe the OP could decide that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages and has a straight talk with her, or decides to have no further contact. It is very obvious that the friend is suffering jealousy of the OP - now I wonder where that came from - yes, you've got it - from her childhood.

OK will shut up - don't ususally go on AIBU and will probably stay away.

[Tillyscoutsmum]

She sounds very much like my mother - great in crisis, vile and snippy if I'm happy

Just get rid. She sounds awful

[mrszimmerman]

weddings are a great moment to tell what your friends and family are made of!

Not that I approve of the demented bride trampling on all others' feelings for her 'special day' but you don't sound like one of those. And no one should expect to be a bridesmaid over a sister, really. Or at all imo.
But I am a great believer in bridesmaids under 8 or none at all. I think the Americans are responsible for all these adult women traipsing about in often wrong colours to flatter the bride in some heinous photo.
Respect to you if you get it right but I can't forgive my sister for putting me in a dress too vile to describe in public on her special day. She looked great!

[Pandemoniaa]

A real friend is someone whose company you feel right in and who, when you part, you remember with warmth. This woman doesn't sound like she qualifies on any level and actually, I've come to realise that some people feed on other's problems. They do this very cleverly by being outwardly supportive but when you look beyond this initial impression, you realise that they are only really happy in your company at times when you are unhappy.

I'm not a great believer in dropping friends but increasingly, I'm far less tolerant of people who have all these agendas and I won't allow them to drag me down. So, OP, let this "friendship" go. You'll be much happier if you do.

[duvetdayplease]

Hi, the responses to this thread are pretty unanimous then! You do quite right to get rid of her, toxic people are just a waste of your energy. The time you save can be used with other, nicer people.

That thing she did at your wedding was scummy, truly scummy.

[HattiFattner]

are you best friends with my sister? Sounds suspiciously like her....

These people call you as soon as you have anything going on - its like they want to suck the marrow of your misery.

And the rehashing of old history, embarrassing you in public...been there, done that. My DSis brings up stuff from when she was 8 and I was 15. Yes, I probably was a teenaged cow, but who isnt awful at 15. Im now late 40s, and its like we have nothing BUT ancient history to talk about.

My dsis also likes to drive big wedges between me and other family members. WHen she had her last baby, he was very sick and in london hospital for a long time. She claims I never contacted her, never offered to help....(all lies...I offered to take her other kids for weeks, I offered to organise grocery deliveries, I went up to London and took her out and bought her clothes and toiletries and baby stuff. I even offered to express for her baby, as she wasnt able to. But according to her history, I never contacted her.)

So now I just dont have much to do with her. I dont contact her, I speak to her if she calls, but I dont engage with her.

[Pollykitten]

Anyone remember the line in Spaced, when Twist says to Daisy "come on Dais, stop feeling like big, fat, ugly failure"! And Daisy was perfectly happy before that remark....reminds me of that!!

[Pollykitten]

Agree agree agree! She's what I call an ambulance chaser - loves drama, loves misery, it makes her feel important, but can't relate in 'peace time' so to speak. Plainly jealous, plainly inadequate etc. On a more positive note, I had a friend who was incredibly unpleasant to me at her hen do (which I organised) and her wedding but later managed a full apology and had the decency to admit she was jealous. We've since come miles and miles from that time and are better friends than before. This person, however, doesn't sound capable of that.

[PinotScreechio]

Oh Hecate that is so true.

[Laquitar]

'writting to DH and telling him i'd been consistently unfaithful to him from the day we met'.
Blimey! Good job you got rid of her.

[Laquitar]

LeQueen i had a 'friend' exactly like yours. Gifts and perfumes every time that she knew i begin to see through her. Engineering things involving others. Always happy to hear my bad news but nasty when i had good news. With this kind of people you think in the begining that they are very caring, the ones who run to people when there is bad news and they are not bored to hear you crying for hours and they pass you tissues. They actually enjoy it.

They say that a good friend is the one who sticks around in your bad moments. I say that a good friend is the one who sticks around in your happy moments. The one who can share your happiness, not only your saddness.

OP there is nothing bad about getting rid of toxic people. You will feel 10 kilos lighter.

[LeNomCaChange]

Thanks guys! I've been feeling really guilty about wanting to drop the friendship, especially as she recently gave me a ton of baby clothes she didn't need any more, I thought maybe i was being a bitch.

But like LeQueen says, every time I've spent time with her, I come away feeling worse about myself, and stressed. I think she probably is jealous - she probably thinks I have a perfect life, as I don't like to go on about my problems and do a pretty good impression of 'everything's fine'.

Feel a bit better now about slinking off into the distance...

[KnockKnockWhosThereIDidAp]

I know what you're saying about PND clouding your judgement. I'm having problems with a friend of mine and I honestly can't work out if she's really let me down or if I'm being oversensitive. I was actually thinking of getting the MN jury to decide for me but there are so many pernickity little details that I can't be bothered with it! Anyway, what I'd suggest is leaving it until Christmas say, and see how you feel then. Don't think about her or talk about her for now and see how you feel about everything once it's at a distance and you've got fresh eyes for it.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

[redexpat]

You have to put yourself first and people who put you down to make themselves feel better are not the sort of friends you need. When things are good for both of you then maybe you can go out together and have a laugh, but I wouldn't actively pursue it. You sound as if you have done everything you can to fix the relationship and it hasn't worked. DOwngrade, move on.

[iscream]

I don't think I would care to be friends with someone who betrays your confidence, and who thinks it is ok to target your sister and upset her like that. She sounds toxic and completely untrustworthy.

[Thingiebob]

She sounds thoroughly unpleasant. Drop her.

[HecateGoddessOfTheNight]

toxic people often maintain a bit of 'niceness'. It's how they convince you that they're ok really and make you doubt yourself.

Like the abusive husband who buys you flowers and you go "oh, but he can be so nice... sometimes..."

If someone was a Grade-A bastard day in day out, it would be so much clearer and simpler, wouldn't it?