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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think MIL is just taking the piss now.

31 replies

chaosisawayoflife · 06/10/2011 20:28

I'll preface this by saying my MIL is a fantastic grandmother, adores my dds and would do anything for them. She is a very strong character though and winds me up, but I try to have a reasonable relationship with her for the sake of dd and dh.
So, MIL knows I like to feed dd1 a reasonably healthy diet and minimise junk food and sweets etc for treats only. She has always spoiled dd and given her things that I don't necessarily agree with, but I usually let this go and I know she just wants to spoil her and make sure that Nanny will always be her favourite.
Anyway, dd1 stayed overnight at MILs and I went to pick her up, getting there at 8.15 in the morning. MIL proudly listed what dd had had so far that morning. She is 3.6. She'd had a cup of tea, a bowl of sugar coated shreddies, a kit kat yoghurt, a fruit bar thing of some sort, a packet of crisps, a packet of chocolate buttons and 2 biscuits! All before 8.15am! That's not normal, is it? AIBU to think the only reason she is doing that is to wind me up and to exert her control over things? Surely no one could possibly think that is a reasonable breakfast for a 3yo ffs!

OP posts:

Shutupanddrive · 06/10/2011 20:30

Of course YANBU! I'm surprised she wasn't sick after all that! Shocking

aldiwhore · 06/10/2011 20:30

Its not normal, its too much, its not great.

How often does it happen?

ScaredBear · 06/10/2011 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mypersonalfavourite · 06/10/2011 20:32

YABU. I'd love to have a MIL. You'll be sorry when she's dead. Etc.

ChippingIn · 06/10/2011 20:32

That is rather a lot and quite a lot of crap. What time had she woken up? How often does she see/stay over at Nanny's?

MangoMonster · 06/10/2011 20:33

Maybe it's cos you've let it go in the past, she thinks it's ok. Grandparents are a different species in a nice way... Talk to her about it. They love to spool their gc.

blackeyedsusan · 06/10/2011 20:33

ooo nice.... and how are you going to be cleaning the footprints off the wall after she has been running round them 6 feet up all day?

here or

Vallhala · 06/10/2011 20:34

Maybe it was in MILs day?

Dunno!

I agree that it's not a great breakfast but if it's a rare thing and of course you are feeding your DD a sensible diet I'd be inclined to weigh it up against the fact that MIL is in all other ways a great Nan and just politely ask her to feed DD X and Y specific type of breakfast in future - say, I dunno, cereal and fruit or what have you... even provide it next time, using the excuse that DD loves X food and it was on a BOGOF offer in the store so you thought you'd give MIL some to keep in her house for when DD stays over.

That way you'll have made your point without rocking the boat.

nickschick · 06/10/2011 20:34

It isnt good - but its not everyday and she has her good points as you describe .....sometimes you have to let things slip.

scrappydappydoo · 06/10/2011 20:34

YANBU - Normally I'm of the opnion that the odd treat is fine especially at Grannys but this way OTT. Good job you got there early - what was she planning on feeding her for the rest of the day????
My dd2 (same age) constantly says she's hungry even when she's not - I could see an over indulgent granny meeting her every demand and whim..

themightyskim · 06/10/2011 20:35

why would she think that she needed so much food? thats mad, id find a nice way to say that you would prefer her not to give her sugary stuff in the morning because it leaves her hyper all day

Witchofthenorth · 06/10/2011 20:35

YABU for picking DD up so early, if nana has mine it's till at least lunch time :o

YANBU for the food, that's a ridiculous amount for a 3 yr old.

How you deal with it I dont know. My mil does the same and I don't like it but the way I see it is that she would just do it without my knowledge if were to hold her account, at least if she is open with me I can adjust kids diet.

To be fair though even she wouldn't give that much crap, the cereal and biscuits and tea yes but not the rest!

ShroudOfHamsters · 06/10/2011 20:36

Well then exert control right back.

That's ridiculous.

If you think she is doing it to wind you up, then she is being ridiculous and there should be no pussyfooting around. Silly power plays aren't good.

If you do think she is trying to show her control through this - simply tell her that there is no way your DD is having that much junk and if she doesn't see that, it's better she doesn't stay with her until she's a lot older. Be brisk. Sorry, I know there's no point in trying to talk to you about respecting my wishes on DD's diet - you have shown that you won't - so in order to make sure she is not being fed poorly - tea ffs!! - I simply won't be ale to leave her with you. Sorry about that. Wish I could trust you to respect my wishes on my child, I can't, so you don't have her.

You are the parent - you have the control no matter what she does - you just need to use it.

Silly MIL.

LydiaWickham · 06/10/2011 20:36

That's a lot of crap for first thing in the morning - that sounds deliberate.

She might be trying to control the situation, but actually you do - so your DD doesn't stay over again until you think your MIL will feed her properly.

I'd be tempted to tell MIL DD was sick and really upset and miserable even if she wasn't. (Disclaimer - v bad PMT here, everyone should take everything I say with a pinch of salt tonight)

BlowHole · 06/10/2011 20:37

How did she make your dd eat it all?

shineypenny · 06/10/2011 20:37

YANBU.

Next time she stays with you, serve the same thing up to her while you all enjoy your nice healthy breakfast (I bet she didn't eat the same as your dd).

Tinkerisdead · 06/10/2011 20:40

YANBU but my MIL is like this. She just can't bear to say no to my DD and so its a constant stream of junk as DD sees that it just keeps on coming. I would imagine it's not about pissing you off, more about buying loads of treats and giving and giving through not saying "no more!"

Weirdly its tea that would make me the most angry. My in laws are obsessed with making cups of tea for toddlers and it riles me. One as a bad habit to form and secondly as it stops them absorbing iron. Not that your DD consumed much iron by the sounds of it! A full english breakfast would have been preferable to that lot!

dwpanxt · 06/10/2011 20:44

Maybe the early pick up is the key?
Grandma as a little store of kiddy treats all ready for overnight stays when she has DGCs all to herself. But maybe the available time wasnt long enough to partake of all the goodies.
So first thing in the morning Grandma starts to cram as much as possible into DGD
By the time Mummy arrives the task is done and Grandma proudly relates all of the lovely treats she has DGD managed to consume.
Not so much taking the piss - more of a boast about how much she loves her DGD and how lavishly she treats her.

Original poster

chaosisawayoflife · 06/10/2011 20:58

Thanks everyone. I know IANBU to think she is bonkers and to really not approve, but I haven't, and won't, have a battle with her about it. It's just her way of spoiling dd and making sure that dd adores her and always wants to spend time with her. I'd prefer if she did it on different ways but I can't change her. Funnily enough, like a pp said, the thing that did annoy me most was the tea. I've asked her before not to give it to her, and did again this time. About the rest I just rolled my eyes, said it sounded like a really healthy breakfast and said I was glad pre-school would have to deal with the fall out. She stays overnight only very rarely. She sees her once a week for a few hours and feeds her crap then, but nothing I hugely object to enough to cause a row.
However, she does also call both dds 'sexy' (dd2 is 11 weeks) and keeps asking if dd2 is still on the breast. ('on the breast' is said in the weird over-enunciated mouthing way.

OP posts:

DontGoCurly · 06/10/2011 21:30

I would have to tell her to stop calling the children 'sexy' -seriously, the food thing is outrageous in itself but calling them sexy is weird. Make her stop.

runningwilde · 06/10/2011 21:38

I think it is dangerous not to address this as your dd could develop food issues and sweet cravings when she is older if she thinks she can eat so much crap at breakfast. Your mil is being very irresponsible

2rebecca · 06/10/2011 21:39

The tea sounds less of a problem to me than all the chocolate and crisps. I probably would have let her know that I wasn't happy and that feeding her crap would mean I'm less inclined to let her stay overnight. I agree that if it is just occasional it won't really do any harm to your daughter, the main harm she is doing is to your relationship with her and I'd tell her I'm disappointed she doesn't seem to value our relationship at all as she knows I prefer my children to have a healthy diet and she seems to have gone out of her way to feed her crap and it's only 8.15.

manicbmc · 06/10/2011 21:39

If my 16 year old ate that much crap in one go, she'd feel sick.

Treats are one thing and all fine and good. But what she fed your dd is way over the top, especially the tea. What next? A nice double espresso and a fag?

I think this is a battle to pick as she's clearly a bit mad.

unpa1dcar3r · 06/10/2011 21:49

Sounds like you're being pretty sensible and philosophical about it anyway. She is great in all other ways, your daughter adores her, all good.
she could do a lot worse!
My own mother thought it ok to slap my daughter, then aged about 5, cos she couldn't eat the disgusting 'stew' she'd tried to force feed her. And then lied about it, despite daughter having large red welt on her arm and sobbing her heart out, and me in the lounge having heard the slap, saying that I was wrong for believing 'that child over your own mother'!
And her babysitting youngest and thinking it hilarious when youngest put an earring up her nose which got stuck and being puzzled as to why I was 'over reacting' by taking her to A&E to get it removed!

Let her enjoy her GD and spoil her some .
It's part of being a nanna. It's her job!

PurpleCrazyHorse · 06/10/2011 22:56

No where near as many issues as your PIL but my PIL did used to give DD quite a lot of sugar (inc tea with sugar!!!). We soon sorted it, possibly by chance, because DD started getting toddler diarrhoea and being regularly sent home from the childminder. Big impact on work as we'd have to be off with her.

Did loads of research and we cut out sugar and squash (pointing out to PIL the sugar in tea and the multitude of fruitshoots they were feeding DD!). All sorted now though, DD only rarely has squash and they're careful about sugar. She still has more with them than us (but they are her grandparents!) but as long as DD isn't getting diarrhoea all the time, I don't mind. However, if it continued then we'd stop DD staying with them, simple as. They are responsible for caring for DD when she's with them and that includes not feeding her a stupid amount of junk. Obviously a small amount of treats are fine, but if the diarrhoea starts again, then we know they've gone overboard

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