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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that paying the mortgage does equal child support?

42 replies

RhinoKey · 06/10/2011 18:32

Genuine question.

My DB and his wife have separated,so he has moved back in with my Mum. DSIL is still in the house with the 2 DC's. My brother is still paying the mortgage. They have been separated 4 months and no sign of reconciliation.

Now DSIL has sent DB an email saying that she wants child support 'that she can actually spend'. My brother is on £15k a year plus a bonus at Christmas which can be up to £2k. The mortgage is £504 a month. SIL worths part time.

DB is worried that he will have to pay more. I am sure that the mortgage payments would be taken in lieu of CS because otherwise DSIL would be paying it?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lulumama · 06/10/2011 18:35

he is obliged to help keep a roof over his childrens' heads

where should the ex go with 2 children?

also, she can't feed /clothe the children with the mortgage payment, housing your children does not excuse you of all other responsibilities

so YABU

in a marriage, you wouldn't expect, say the main breadwinner to pay the mortgage only and feel that excused him/her from contributing to anything else

what about teh bills? transport? clothing ? childcare ? school trips? etc etc etc

AlpinePony · 06/10/2011 18:36

No, Yanbu.

He could give her that 500 a month and it's up to her how she spends it.

Wrt protecting your brother, a falling asset such as a house might not be so great for him if she's going to play hardball.

Itsjustafleshwound · 06/10/2011 18:38

Is it a joint mortgage?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/10/2011 18:38

Your DB need to take legal advice, formalise the separation and the financial arrangement with it. He has certain obligations but the idea is that there should be a fair outcome for all parties.

HappyMummyOfOne · 06/10/2011 18:39

YANBU, the CSA wont make him pay both. She may get a judge to rule she can stay in the home but he wont be expected to pay the mortgage in full if she does.

Work out what he would pay on the CSA calculator and offer her that cash instead, i'm sure she'll find shes far better off by taking the mortgage payment.

FabbyChic · 06/10/2011 18:39

He wont have to pay both, he is not obligated to pay the mortgage. She has to pay that.

He does not pay both.

So he can choose.

FabbyChic · 06/10/2011 18:39

He actually is not obligated to pay for a roof over the childrens head at all. He only has to pay maintenance nothing else. Oh bills in his name he has to pay.

Lulumama · 06/10/2011 18:41

so there is no legal or moral obligation on him to keep his children with a roof over their heads ? even if they have to sell and move somewhere smaller ?

LaurieFairyCake · 06/10/2011 18:42

He's still obligated to the mortgage company to keep paying if it is in his name.

He needs to get divorced and sell sharpish if they're not going to reconcile.

FabbyChic · 06/10/2011 18:43

The property can be sold, the mother moves to rented accomodation with her children, and if she does not work the state pays the rent. With a mortgage the state pays fuck all.

The guy is on 15k a year a pittance he is entitled to his own place too somewhere to take and see the kids when he has them.

He takes home around 1k a month he pays over half that in mortgage fees, maintenance will probably only cost him £200 a month.

Women are responsible for chidlren too and if they cannot survive they should work full time to provide for their children. I did.

splashymcsplash · 06/10/2011 18:44

I assume it is a joint mortgage? In that case he should be paying half the mortgage plus child support at csa rates. If he doesn't want to pay any of the mortgage he should see a solicitor to get a divorce and his name taken off.

So yes YABU

Original poster
RhinoKey · 06/10/2011 18:45

My DB doesnt want them to move, he wants them to keep the house which is why he has continued to pay. His DW now wants another £200 from him which he just cannot afford. They also have a joint loan which he is making the payments for (£47 a month)

It is a joint mortgage.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 06/10/2011 18:45

he needs to tell her he cannot afford it, seriously dont let him get mugged off.

and don't let her use the children as emotional pawns either.

Lulumama · 06/10/2011 18:47

i agree that legal advice is needed

Original poster
RhinoKey · 06/10/2011 18:48

I dont know much about tax etc, but if I put his gross weekly pay in the CSA calculator it says £58 a week.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 06/10/2011 18:48

If she works more than 16 hours a week she is now entitled to child tax credits, working tax credits, she will get 25% discount on her council tax too maybe even a rebate.

She will be far better off than he is.

splashymcsplash · 06/10/2011 18:48

If he is unhappy with the current situation then he should see a solicitor. Paying the mortgage is not child support though.

FabbyChic · 06/10/2011 18:49

There are websites where you can work out what tax and national insurance he pays, just Google.

FabbyChic · 06/10/2011 18:49

He could agree to pay half the mortgage and half the loan. she can pay the rest the he can give the difference to her in cash, well not cash it has to be documented.

AlpinePony · 06/10/2011 19:05

So she actually wants 750 of his 1000? :( does she want him to eat this month or buy a tent?

As fabby says, she needs to pull her finger out and either start working or sort out her benefits.

Original poster
RhinoKey · 06/10/2011 19:06

I will try and get him to go to a solicitor.He is still quite cut up about the split and I think he things solicitor= everything final. I do think he is still hoping they will get back together.

He was in tears earlier thinking he was going to have to pay £500 for the mortgage, £50 for the loan and £200 in maintenance. He just wants to do the right thing by the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
RhinoKey · 06/10/2011 19:08

She does work 20 hours a week. She is still able to do this as my DM and DB have the boys on the nights she works (she does 2 long nights).

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 06/10/2011 19:12

He wants them to keep the house, but is he hoping they will get back together?

If there is no chance of it happening, then the house has to be sold. That's not really a choice. He has to have somewhere to live too, and he can't stay at his Mums forever. He should be able to have his own place where he can have the children when he sees them.

Bottom line is, she can't have both forever, so she has to decide what option she would prefer, and start earning her own money.

littlemisssarcastic · 06/10/2011 19:23

Probably a stupid question, so apologies in advance, but does your Sil have any idea what your DB earns?
Is it possible he kept finances completely separate and never discussed his salary??

FabbyChic · 06/10/2011 19:25

This woman is taking the piss, she will get good benefits, child tax credits, working tax credits, council tax reduction. Believe me I worked and had two children and was a single parent with no maintenance and I was relatively well off.

He needs to come to an arrangement and stick to it rigidly, one arrangement and that is it.

He can either pay all the mortgage and the debt, or half the debt and the mortgage and maintenance. Remember it does not cost a fortune to bring up children, they don't eat £50 worth of food a week no way.