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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit [hmm] about this pregnancy

26 replies

ViviPru · 04/10/2011 15:58

Just found out BiL & SiL are expecting DC2 (planned). I'm Hmm because they have just moved in with my PiLs due to work relocation, their financial circumstances and inability to sell their flat. No-one knows how long this arrangement will continue.

I'm usually very live and let live and couldn't give a fig what they do, but this touches a nerve as DP and I are delaying having DCs, in part due to our feeling that our current circs are not conducive (something about which I feel rather ambiguous)

I'm not jealous of them but I AM envious of their ability to decide to get pg again seemingly without giving much consideration to their situation. Its happening now and I'm going to a positive and supportive beacon of auntyhood but can't help but feel a bit Hmm deep down. I just need to get over myself, don't I. :(

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 04/10/2011 16:00

I think you do - it really isn't anything to do with you x

nethunsreject · 04/10/2011 16:05

I totally get your Hmm, I really do, but it's just one of those irksome things.

mumsamilitant · 04/10/2011 16:05

You delaying DC's is your choice, or is it more DH's hence being a bit envious?

Either way you should be happy for them regardless.

purplepidjinawoollytangle · 04/10/2011 16:07

Are you absolutely completely definitely sure that it's planned, and they're not covering up their embarrassment at having an "accident"??

Yanbu to be Hmm although there's not much you can do except be supportive!

AuntiePickleBottom · 04/10/2011 16:07

there may be a reason why they didn't want to delay having children.

notso · 04/10/2011 16:08

I think you need to be happy for them and happy that you have made a more responsible choice.

Perhaps it wasn't planned anyway, BIL and his now Wife were adamant they planned their first, but SIL told me she wept everyday of her pregnancy as she didn't want to be an unmarried Mother (yes, she is a dick).

worraliberty · 04/10/2011 16:08

I was just thinking what purple said, it might be an accident.

But even if it isn't, what's the problem?

As long as the PILs are happy to have them, that's up to them isn't it?

Concordia · 04/10/2011 16:11

to me you sound a bit jealous, are you sure you aren't wishing that you didn't delay things either? in any case i dont' think it's your business you don't know all the reasons / factors / influences on their decision if it is planned...

LydiaWickham · 04/10/2011 16:11

You need to reassess your reasons for delaying and look at them in the cold light of day. This is why my waiting for another 18 months to TTC has moved to the new year after some searching conversations between DH and I. (and that feels too far away, I know I'm getting all silly about Christmas decorations and planning early because I really want to be TTC now )

AFuckingKnackeredWoman · 04/10/2011 16:11

'but this touches a nerve as DP and I are delaying having DCs,'- and that's your choice.. This is their choice. Suck it up and look forwards to your niece or nephews arrival

whattodoo · 04/10/2011 16:13

It seems to me that this has made you think again about your own choices regarding starting your family.
Some people are cautious, plan to the nth degree and cover every angle before jumping in.
Others are more devil-may-care and 'we'll muddle through. Neither way is right or wrong.
When you're turn comes, I bet you'll be glad you're waited and got things in place so you don't have to overly worry about money, housing, jobs etc on top of everything else.
Maybe take this as a good opportunity to talk with OH about your own tycoon plans, just to check you're both on the same page IYSWIM.

Original poster
ViviPru · 04/10/2011 16:15

I don't really know whose choice it is mums... I'm not climbing the walls with broodyness and it doesn't get me down, its just something that we don't even consider as it is so out of the question right now.

I am more concerned than DP about it (delaying DC) though as he has less appreciation of the fact that there is not an indefinite window of time, and the only thing I'm sure of is that I'd like it to happen one day.

I guess I am just envious that I don't really have a choice right now, one way or the other, and I feel that by MY reasoning, they don't have that choice either. Of course that's nonsense, the world doesn't abide by MY reasoning (it bloody should though Wink )

You're all right of course. Just needed an AIBU slap round the chops.

OP posts:
BruciesDollyDealer · 04/10/2011 16:16

just pity them

having a screeching new baby and living with inlaws and waiting to move house

ahh bliss

tigermoll · 04/10/2011 16:16

YANBU to feel like this, - even if you KNOW you shouldn't feel a certain way, sometimes its impossible not to.

It's totally understandable to feel wistful/envious of people who are having a baby when you want one yourself. I get the impression that you feel ready for a baby, and it's your OH who is wanting to wait? If you are being told that you have to wait until your situation is more stable/secure/whatever, then it must bite pretty hard to see someone is a much more precarious position going ahead.

It would be totally U to be snide/mean/bitchy towards your B&SiL, since it's not their fault. But that's not what you're going to do, - you said yourself you're going to be supportive and lovely.

So cut yourself some slack, - no one is a saint, and we all have less-than-noble thoughts. Maybe you should have another talk to your partner about your situation?

whattodoo · 04/10/2011 16:16

tycoon? Meant ttc. This phone is driving me mad

mumsamilitant · 04/10/2011 16:19

So you are being unreasonable but your have reasons Smile
Aren't we all sometimes huh.

Original poster
ViviPru · 04/10/2011 16:22

whattodo you have no idea how ironic that is! Our current circumstances are such that I'm working like a thing-that-works-really-hard to support us while DP set up his business. I'm self employed so no mat leave for me. I stop working = we stop paying the bills.

Brucies Grin when you put it like that. If I was struggling for a roof over my head I think I would rather do some petty crime and spend a stretch at her Majesty's pleasure than live there.

tigermoll thanks for your post - that's what I needed to hear, really

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 04/10/2011 16:28

I think you need to set a time line - you can't wait forever. 12 months, 18 months is reasonable. Save to pay for your mat leave now if you can.

Look at it this way as well, your DC will have an older cousin who'll be passing down lots of lovely clothes and outgrown toys! How very organised of you!

Original poster
ViviPru · 04/10/2011 16:32

And Lydia you're right. This has highlighted that there definitely needs to be a conversation. I didn't think so because of the reasons I've outlined in my post above, and in no small way due to the fact that whenever friends with small DC visit, DP (who is great with them when they're here) ALWAYS comments afterward that he really couldn't be doing with that (children) right now and I generally agree with him.

But even if we agree that its not right right now we've not given much consideration to when it would be.

Organised? Moi?

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 04/10/2011 17:15

Set a time for you to ttc now, have that conversation!

I think your response shows that deep down - although you know delaying makes sense up to a point) you're terrified of leaving it too late and missing the boat.

And you'd be right!!

So it's about your situation not theirs.

You will of course be an auntie par excellence :)

Original poster
ViviPru · 04/10/2011 17:25

Thanks SH (your name always makes me :)). You're right. Some very close friends have recently been through age-related fertility problems and subsequent IVF - I thought that might have been a bit of a bit of a wake-up-call for DP (certainly was for me) but seems not.

Thinking of it from his PoV, he's so incredibly focussed on starting his business that he's struggling to find time to think about what to have for breakfast let alone big life questions. Mental multi-tasking isn't his forte at the best of times.

Responses on this thread have been enlightening. Still find the ILs irksome though.

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 05/10/2011 14:06

I think it's great you've had this revelation - I had to have similar ones with DH who didn't think we needed more of a plan than "at some point". It's NU to force him to think in terms of timings, that doesn't have to be 'now', and if something like a redundancy happens right at that point, you'll be flexible, but a rough idea is really useful.

You also need to realise that while your friends having to have IVF will register with you as something that could happen to you, if your DP is anything like my DH, he will have thought "what a pity for them." but not thought for one second that he should consider something like that for himself. In fact, if you point that out to him, it might actually be a shock for him to think in terms of if happening to you too.

good luck!

wildfig · 05/10/2011 14:14

I know exactly how conflicted you feel (another self-employed delayer here) but they're going to have to suffer exactly the trainwreckery you're trying to avoid - living with in-laws, strapped for cash, two smallish kids, job uncertainty...

I'd feel sorry for them rather than jealous. But if it turns out that they don't seem to be going through the ninth ring of hell, might that not be an argument for moving your own plans up a few months?

MamaMary · 05/10/2011 14:24

I feel where you're coming from. We're delaying having DC2 because of my work circumstances (I am working, but don't have a permanent job). This is my decision. My DH would ttc tomorrow if he could.

Could you not take a few months off on statutory maternity pay? The government has to pay you this if you've been working, even self-employed.

BedHog · 05/10/2011 14:28

You do realise that you get paid Maternity Allowance if you are self employed? You don't have to struggle through with no income. At £130ish per week it might not meet your usual earnings, but it is tax free, and you can work odd days during it to boost your income.