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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with dh.

38 replies

madsam · 02/10/2011 17:20

We have has to borrow money from mil to pay for essential repairs to the house. About 3k. Discovered today that dh received a bonus of 1k this month. He proceeded to go out to today and spend the best part of half of it on a games and toys for dc and a games console and lego. He didn't even admit to getting it until today.
I was feeling really undervalued at this stage so I indicated that since we had this bonus i could buy a dress for best friends wedding without feeling guilty. He than said I didn't tell you about it because you would want to spend it or words to that effect.
I than sais that surely its only fair I get something from it. immiture I know)
His reply was that i can have any money I earn from my self employment or any money gained from selling dc's old clothes, toys etc.
Feel like this isn't a partnership anymore.

OP posts:
hellhasnofury · 02/10/2011 17:22

Surely it would've been wiser for him to put that money towards the repairs. Not as much fun I'll grant you but then being a grown up ain't all it's cracked up to be.

shineypenny · 02/10/2011 17:25

From the first paragraph, I assumed you were going to say you were furious because your dh spent the money instead of repaying his father.

Neither of you should be spending the money, you should be clearing the debt, but if he has spent half of it, then yes you should have got the dress.

fedupofnamechanging · 02/10/2011 17:25

I would have to agree with you.

Firstly, if you owe someone money, your first priority is to pay them back. if I was your MIL, I'd be mightily pissed at him for spending money he ought to have repaid.

Secondly, he sounds like a tight arsehole. If he was mine, I'd be calling time on this relationship. It wouldn't even occur to my dh to not tell me about a bonus and to not share it properly with me. If you have been a sahm, or your income has been reduced due to the impact of having dc, then he owes it to you to make sure you don't lose out as a result of raising your joint dc.

Dozer · 02/10/2011 17:26

You both sound like you need to get a grip and pay your mil back.

zukiecat · 02/10/2011 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bunbaker · 02/10/2011 17:29

I agree. MIL should have had first dibs on that money.

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 02/10/2011 17:37

You and DH are both being VVU by using that money for anything other than repaying your MIL.

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 02/10/2011 17:38

Oh, and I am not going to defend your "right" to the money as it should not have sat in either of your pockets.

Original poster
madsam · 02/10/2011 17:39

Maybe my post wasn't clear. I too would have like to use most of it to repay mil. Than. i would think it fair to spend maybe a token amout on each of us.
Incidently he also took dd to foorball yesterday and spent £80 on things for himself and dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
madsam · 02/10/2011 17:42

Incidently if i had got a dress today I would have returned the one I originally got.
Its not really about this money. Its more about his attitude to what should be joint money. He seems to think it ok to spend it on him and dc but not me.

OP posts:
LikeACandleButNotQuite · 02/10/2011 17:47

Had you come on here simply to discuss your DHs bonus and you getting a fair share, I would be "on your side" so to speak. With the outstanding loan, I am unble to offer any other response than say you are both BU.

Why not return the dress you have a swap it for the other one anyways, or is it drastically more expensive?

Original poster
madsam · 02/10/2011 17:47

We have also set up a regular payment to repay MIL so she will get money back within 2 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
madsam · 02/10/2011 17:49

Also this is not the 1st time he has done this. Today really was the last straw.
That was the plan with the dress "like a candle" and they were a similar price.

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 02/10/2011 17:51

Honestly, no token amount for yourselves, at all. You are in debt, speaking fvrom bitter experience, pay it off.

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 02/10/2011 17:52

Yet another thread about a selfish 'd'h who thinks that their wife is free childcare once they have children and should live off thin air. OP YANBU. But paying off a bit of your debt wouldn't have gone amiss either. Do your PIL know about this bonus?

Original poster
madsam · 02/10/2011 17:53

Too late for that. He has spent about £500.

OP posts:
LikeACandleButNotQuite · 02/10/2011 18:01

So, if the plan was to swap the dresses anyways, why ask your DH for money for it? Seems a little strange....just swap the dress.

How sad that your ILs could have had a third of thei loan back in an instant, rather than wait for monthly installments while your DH enjoys many treats. Maybe its bad financial management like this which has led to your need to take a loan out in the first place?

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 02/10/2011 18:06

Taking the loan aside. It is not on that the dh thinks he and the kids can have luxuries and his wife can't. If the op wasn't at home with the dc he would have half a full time childcare bill to pay so she is contributing a lot. Also hiding money from hos wife is tight and weird behaviour.
OP - did you discuss how finances would work before you had kids?

IreneHeron · 02/10/2011 18:18

Your DH is being unreasonable on many levels. Firstly he should have told you about his bonus straight away, a marriage is supposed to be a partnership. I would be seriously pissed off with DH if he'd done this. Secondly you should have discussed what to spend it on together, most sensible would have been to repay part of the loan. Thirdly, if you chose to spend some on yourselves, it is totally unreasonable that you should be left out. I totally see why you would be furious OP.

HappyMummyOfOne · 02/10/2011 19:27

YABU the pair of you. Your MIL should have been given all the money, no new dress or lego etc. I'd never contemplate buying luxuries if MIL had had to bail us out on household essentials, its simply wrong.

hellhasnofury · 02/10/2011 19:37

We have also set up a regular payment to repay MIL so she will get money back within 2 years.

All well and good normally but a bonus like that it should've gone to MIL. You'd all be winners in the long term because you'd have more money each month and MIL would be in possesion of what's rightfully hers.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 02/10/2011 19:37

I agree with Happy.

Every penny of that bonus should have gone straight to his mother.

Although that doesn't make his meanness towards you less horrible.

The biggest problem here seems to be his generosity towards himself. Grown men who feel entitled to lots of treats at the expense of their responsibilities because they "work hard" are beneath contempt.

What kind of adult makes his own mother wait 2 years for money he owes her so he can buy himself games?

I guess the same kind of knobber who only feels like he's had a real treat if someone nearby (usually his wife) isn't enjoying the fruits of his labour.

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 02/10/2011 19:47

There's no point preaching to the OP about handing the whole lot over to the PIL - he didn't even tell her he had it until he spent half of it!
And given that he obviously decided not to put it towards the loan I don't think she is BU to expect that as everyone else in the family had been treated she should be too.

chelen · 02/10/2011 19:54

YANBU, if my OH got a bonus like that and didn't discuss the spending of it I'd go ballistic.

Spending half of it on treats without consultation would send me crackers.

The money owed to other people just makes it even worse.

squeakytoy · 02/10/2011 19:56

Hmmm... not sure on this actually.

If MIL is not in need of the money and is happy with the repayment plan, then that in itself is fair enough, however if she does need the money, then the bonus should have gone to her first.

If the OP normally spends proceeds from selling the childrens stuff on herself, and not on the husband, then I dunno.. we may only be hearing half a story here. It could be that the OP blows money on things that are not needed too.