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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with dh.

38 replies

madsam · 02/10/2011 17:20

We have has to borrow money from mil to pay for essential repairs to the house. About 3k. Discovered today that dh received a bonus of 1k this month. He proceeded to go out to today and spend the best part of half of it on a games and toys for dc and a games console and lego. He didn't even admit to getting it until today.
I was feeling really undervalued at this stage so I indicated that since we had this bonus i could buy a dress for best friends wedding without feeling guilty. He than said I didn't tell you about it because you would want to spend it or words to that effect.
I than sais that surely its only fair I get something from it. immiture I know)
His reply was that i can have any money I earn from my self employment or any money gained from selling dc's old clothes, toys etc.
Feel like this isn't a partnership anymore.

OP posts:
SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 02/10/2011 20:04

Surely it would have been right for him to, at least, off the money to his parents though and give them the chance to say if they were/weren't happy to stick with the payment plan

SheCutOffTheirTails · 02/10/2011 20:58

If you owe £3000 because your financial situation is so precarious that you didn't have money for house repairs, you can't afford to spend £500 on toys and treats.

Either the money needed to go into repaying the debt, or it needed to go into shoring up family finances.

Blowing that amount of money on computer games when you are stretched financially is very irresponsible and immature.

ScarahStratton · 02/10/2011 21:02

So you borrow £3K from your MIL, it's going to take 2 years to pay that back, yet you could have paid a third of that back instantly.

That wasn't your money to spend, that was money you owe your MIL. Whether or not she actually needs it back asap is irrelevant, you should have given her the £1K.

You both need to grow up and get a grip IMO.

LorelaisMommy · 02/10/2011 21:23

YABU on 2 counts.
A) the money should have gone back. Difficult if he'd already spent it, but you should be blowing your lid over that with him, not bringing up some dress!
B) it's his bonus!?! Taking out the loan and your financial situation, what he spends it on is up to him! Hubby gets a bonus, I get staff discount. We actually talk about our finances and so this year we agreed that I would get a portion of his bonus to 'play' with, and he could use my discount card. It's a win-win situation. Last year we were in difficulties, so all of his binus went on bills which meant we got out of said difficulties early. That was a huge sacrifice on his part, but the right thing to do.
Get a grip.

AuntiePickleBottom · 02/10/2011 21:52

i have been struggling with money for years now, and tbh if 1k came into the family budget then i would still be paying of my debts.

my DC may go without treats and toys atm, but it will get better once the debt is cleared for a month or 2 and the money we are now paying out as debt will not just be fritted away.

i have learnt the value of money the hard way

Original poster
madsam · 02/10/2011 21:56

If I had known about the bonus before today I would have said the same. However, it was a bit of of fait accompli by the time I became aware.
I guess it was silly to make a flippant comment about finding a better dress. Its just that this attitude of money not being joint which gets to me. I am actually quite frugal. I only buy essentials normally. My financial contribution to the pot is low. But , I still feel it would be nice to be treated occassionally. Yes , this year is not idea due to our financial situation.
I only made a comment today as this is not the 1st time this has happened. It is generally the same each year he receives a bonus. On one level I don't mind him putting aside some for treats. He does work hard. I just think it would be nice to be offered a treat too.
My work is no less valuable even if my monetary income is lower.
BTW we do have savings but they are tied up for another 2 years.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 02/10/2011 22:13

Well, your problem is that he sees his wages as his alone and you would prefer a shared approach to finance.

A man who truly loves you, would not see you go without things (because your work happens to be lower paid than his) and would not begrudge sharing what he has with you.

Jackstini · 02/10/2011 22:15

"BTW we do have savings but they are tied up for another 2 years"
There is probably a fee you could pay out of dh's bonus to get the money out NOW and pay his Mum back NOW!

He is a complete twunt though for spending 500 quid on unneccesary crap and getting you nothing.

Should have gone mostly to his Mum with a small family treat.

Start charging him for childcare?

hellhasnofury · 02/10/2011 22:18

The money you bring to the pot maybe less but it doesn't mean your value to the home is less. I earn less than DH but I do more in the home because I'm home more. He treats me as an equal and I have an equal say in any financial decisions. From that view point I don't think YABU.

Pendeen · 02/10/2011 22:21

OP - you said you "discovered" DH had a bonus. How did you "discover"?

Is there no openess or trust in your relationship?

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 02/10/2011 22:44

Let me ask, then, you say DH has around £500 of this bonus left....after seeking our opinion and it being, in the main, that MIL should get the money, do you intend on passing on the remaining £500 to her?

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 02/10/2011 22:48

It doesn't sound very much like the op has any say on what her 'd'h will be doing with the rest of HIS money.

Original poster
madsam · 03/10/2011 10:45

Yes it will go to her. I think he kept quiet because he knew I would say we should have borrowed less from MIL if he were getting a bonus.

OP posts:
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