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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dp has gone for a job interview today...

49 replies

bogie · 20/09/2011 08:36

Dp has been in the same job for 3 years, he loves his job but it just isn't paying enough.
The job he has at the minute is working for a famous UK holiday village company, which means that the perks of the job with our 3 little ones are very very good as is his bonus package (which is half paid in high street gift vouchers so doesn't show up when we look at money coming in and going out of the bank).
He currently works 9-5, but it is an hour away so he leaves at 7.30 drops our son at school (not in our village he goes to a different school to the one our dd's will be attending) then gets home at around 6.

The job he has gone for an interview for today is 2 hours away, meaning he wouldn't be able to take our son to school any more, he would be leaving the house at around 6.45 and not getting home until 7 - 7.30 which is bed time for the kids.
If he got this job it means I would need to take my driving test before he starts, I would have to drive 30 minuets into town with 3 kids (4 on some days as our nephew lives here from sunday-wednesday) then rush back to get dd to nursery for 9. I would then have to get a childminder to fetch dd while I go to fetch ds.
After looking at everything (car costs, childminder, after school clubs the days I need to work, loss of the high street voucher bonus' ect.) We would only have £200 extra disposable income per month plus we wouldn't have any of the perks (cheap holidays, days out for the kids). Then on top of all that DP would only see the kids for half an hour a day if that!

Now AIBU in saying I don't think DP should take this job if offered it?! Because when I have tried to explain this to him last night he went mad saying I want to hold him back and not let him progress his career any further. Which is rubbish I want him to get a new job and take a step up but I just think this really isn't the one...

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 20/09/2011 08:40

So you would also need a new car? For you? Driving test/lessons etc isn't going to happen quickly, are you confident you will pass and then be able to drive around confidently?

nickschick · 20/09/2011 08:45

yanbu sometimes you have to 'tread' water to keep your head above it .

Original poster

bogie · 20/09/2011 08:45

Yes I would need a car, I am pretty sure I would pass my test, my dad was a pilot and had an air field when I was growing up and he bought me a car when I was 13 and taught me how to drive, I drove round the neighbouring farms every day for about 5 years until my car broke. I have driven alot with dp before the dc's came along.

OP posts:

Original poster

bogie · 20/09/2011 08:46

So I would have to finance the car, pay for lessons, insurance would be sky high, then extra tax and petrol.

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ViviPru · 20/09/2011 08:50

OP you've not told us anything about the new job and why he thinks it would progress his career, only the fact that its 2 hours away. No one can give you honest opinions here without both sides of the argument.

Eglu · 20/09/2011 08:50

Could you not move house to be closer to his new job?

I don't think YABU though. He should surely see the benefits of his current position. You have also said he enjoys it. What will be better about the new job?

Original poster

bogie · 20/09/2011 08:52

The job is the next step up, it is a business development manager job for a big hotel. He is currently an accounts manager.

OP posts:

Original poster

bogie · 20/09/2011 08:53

We couldn't move house, the kids have just settled where we are. We are close to family and friends.
It is the first house we have had where we all fell truly happy living in.

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nocake · 20/09/2011 09:04

What a tough position to be in. I can see why he wants to progress his career but you and the kids are going to pay a big price for it. Having a little extra money won't compensate for the extra hassle and work you'll have and, more importantly, the hours he'll miss with the kids. I think you need to sit down with him and work through the pros and cons of him taking the new job, if they offer it to him.

Threaders · 20/09/2011 09:07

The immediate benefits might not be obvious but are the long term prospects more attractive for you all as a family? Perhaps where he is now is as high as he is likely to go, whereas by moving jobs he may have better opportunities in the medium to long term which will improve the quality of life for you all as a family.

Threaders · 20/09/2011 09:07

*all as a family x 2..... sounds a bit thick. Sorry about the bad grammar!

Original poster

bogie · 20/09/2011 09:35

It is a good step up, and it would benefit us long term... but i just think that he should hold out until a similar but closer job comes up.
I will just add that the reason he really really wants this job (and will more than likely be offered it) is because his best friend (who has just left the same job as dp) is doing the same job, for the same chain of hotels but closer to home. Has already told the MD that dp should have this job and would be great at it. I know that 50% of the reason DP wants this particular job is so that he is working with his friend again.

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Hardgoing · 20/09/2011 09:47

Can I be honest? In the middle of the recession, if your husband is offered a better job which he would like to do, and you will get more income, then I think he should take it. If he has personal recommendations for it, excellent. It's far from clear he will get offered another job nearby.

I am not sure if you work too? (I am guessing there is a lot of juggling with three/four children, one in nursery). I know it's hard, but perhaps some rearranging can go on r.e. schools if you are not keen to physically move. Having several different children in several schools is a massive committment (I know) and perhaps it is unrealistic for him to continue to take one to a different school in the next few years given his career. Things are much easier in my house now they all go to the same school.

KellyKettle · 20/09/2011 09:59

Is there any chance that he might be able to work from home some days?

My DH has just been invited for second interviews for two new jobs. He travels a lot with his current job, sometimes away for 5 days and these jobs are not likely to involve much less travel. They also won't really change our world in terms of what he earns when you take into account my impending mat leave.

However, long term, these jobs are so much better than his current post and so we're just going to get on with it and make the most of family time and weekends. Plus, DH is so excited at the prospect of a promotion, change of company etc and I really want him to be in a job that makes him happy.

Unless it leaves you unable to meet your financial obligations, I'd probably be supportive of the move. I can understand your concerns though. I am going through the same thing at the moment.

tiddlerslate · 20/09/2011 10:37

I think your DP should be really careful here and really research this new company as much as he can. It might be better for his career but sounds like a hell of a lot of upheaval for you and your DC's.

I'm just urging caution as I know of someone who was approached about a new job, took it and got made redundant 6 months later leaving him job searching and her running around trying to get her DC's to school on time.

Original poster

bogie · 20/09/2011 12:55

The company is a big on so I think the job would be safe. I want to be supportive but I just think this job would be too much for all of us.

OP posts:

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 20/09/2011 13:29

How much more money is likely to be coming in after driving lessons/the additional costs of another car are deducted?

SwingingBetty · 20/09/2011 13:51

what would the advice be for a woman who wanted to chase a new job but the partner was disapproving because it would put him out

hmm let me think now ....

ViviPru · 20/09/2011 13:55

My feelings echo SwingingBetty & Hardgoing

YABU for taking him to task over it the night before the interview. Its totally understandable why you're feeling why you do, but you need to try and think of the bigger picture. People move round within hotel chains all the time and before you know it he'll be much closer to home.

meravigliosa · 20/09/2011 13:59

What will happen if you don't pass your driving test/

Original poster

bogie · 20/09/2011 14:12

Chaotic- we will only be getting around 200 more per month
Vivi- I was only told about the interview last night, otherwise I would have said something straight away.
Oh and if I don't pass my test I have no idea what we will do

OP posts:

SuchProspects · 20/09/2011 14:20

I get the sense from your post that the issue is a little less about the job as such and at least a bit about the fact he seems to be prioritising working with his mate over the career or your family. If that's the case YANBU at all.

It does sound like a lot of extra stress on the family (and not just you and the kids, a 2 hour commute and not seeing much of your family is going to be a big stress on your DP as well). If it is just about that - everyone has different priorities and you'll have to thrash it out. I don't think anyone way is right, but if you are a one career household then taking the strain now could mean a lot more for you in the long run and could well be worth it. Turning down a good opportunity to progess is a bit risky, and if he is responsible for the financial security side of your family life I think his desire to progress is something that deserves some respect. Could you get him to agree to be look for a similar level job closer to home asap if he takes this one?

But if you also have a career (either currently or that you will go for when all DCs in school) that will progress financially then I don't think it is as sensible to take the strain now. There is less need for DP to be as on the ball if you are both going to be aiming for strong careers in a couple of years. It's also more important not to get into a situation where you are hindered getting back into a career because he has got himself into a position where he can't prioritise home life at all.

Original poster

bogie · 20/09/2011 16:32

Hardgoing- we tried changing ds' school before. He was having panic attacks crying all day, he struggles with change.
Such - I am a photographer, I have a studio at our house, but when dd2 goes to Playgroup I hope to get more work.

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hopenglory · 20/09/2011 16:51

Perhaps save making any decisions until he is actually offered the job, then you can discuss the practicalities, rather than the what ifs....

Does he actually enjoy his current job, or does he just do it to pay the bills?

Original poster

bogie · 20/09/2011 16:55

He loves his current job. The problem is he isn't paid enough for the amount of revenue he brings in, and if he was to stay he thinks he would be waiting for at least 2 more years before he is given a shot at promotion.

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