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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dp has gone for a job interview today...

49 replies

bogie · 20/09/2011 08:36

Dp has been in the same job for 3 years, he loves his job but it just isn't paying enough.
The job he has at the minute is working for a famous UK holiday village company, which means that the perks of the job with our 3 little ones are very very good as is his bonus package (which is half paid in high street gift vouchers so doesn't show up when we look at money coming in and going out of the bank).
He currently works 9-5, but it is an hour away so he leaves at 7.30 drops our son at school (not in our village he goes to a different school to the one our dd's will be attending) then gets home at around 6.

The job he has gone for an interview for today is 2 hours away, meaning he wouldn't be able to take our son to school any more, he would be leaving the house at around 6.45 and not getting home until 7 - 7.30 which is bed time for the kids.
If he got this job it means I would need to take my driving test before he starts, I would have to drive 30 minuets into town with 3 kids (4 on some days as our nephew lives here from sunday-wednesday) then rush back to get dd to nursery for 9. I would then have to get a childminder to fetch dd while I go to fetch ds.
After looking at everything (car costs, childminder, after school clubs the days I need to work, loss of the high street voucher bonus' ect.) We would only have £200 extra disposable income per month plus we wouldn't have any of the perks (cheap holidays, days out for the kids). Then on top of all that DP would only see the kids for half an hour a day if that!

Now AIBU in saying I don't think DP should take this job if offered it?! Because when I have tried to explain this to him last night he went mad saying I want to hold him back and not let him progress his career any further. Which is rubbish I want him to get a new job and take a step up but I just think this really isn't the one...

OP posts:

diddl · 20/09/2011 17:04

Unless he was going to do something really detrimental, isn´t it up to him where he works?

cricketballs · 20/09/2011 17:53

I think that although its going to be tough going for a while that you should offer your full support to your DH.

Wouldn't you rather be married to someone who wants to better them self and work up the ladder than someone who stays at the same level whilst having a growing resentment that his wife 'wouldn't allow' him to have a new job?

Whilst I appreciate your post suggesting that he waits until a similar position opens up closer to home - what if this doesn't happen for a few years? Then he will be in a position to have to explain why he has not been more proactive in gaining this higher position before......

Fimbo · 20/09/2011 18:01

Could you move closer to your ds's school?

Original poster

bogie · 20/09/2011 18:05

Fimbo- ds' school is a private school, we can't afford for the dds to go there so we moved to where we are because the local state school is very good.

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 20/09/2011 18:08

Sorry, if he's bringing the money then it's up to him surely? Also, how about moving ds to a state school nearer?

Where there's a will there's a way but if he feels you are holding him back then it could lead to all sorts of problems.

OddBoots · 20/09/2011 18:10

If even after factoring in the extra costs you would still be better off by £200 a month (£2400 a year) it sounds like a big step up for him.

I understand you feeling overwhelmed by needing to start driving and take on the school runs but it does sound like it is worth trying if he is offered the job.

cricketballs · 20/09/2011 18:11

off the point - but how will your DD feel (when the are old enough to understand) that you paid for ds to go a private school but they could only go to a state school?

Original poster

bogie · 20/09/2011 18:15

Redhelen - I explained earlier we tried to move ds before but he struggles with change, he was having panic attacks, developed a nervous twitch, would cry all day and night at home. He is also very very bright and has a bursary part paying the fees and is looking good to get a scholarship in year 3. Moving his isn't an option.

OP posts:

gapants · 20/09/2011 18:17

op i am in a similar position, DP is about to start interviewing for a job that is marginally better than the one he has, but he thinks would be better for his career progression. It does mean that we will lose his bonus in april and next year will be tight for us, but med-long term it will be over all better for us. So as much as I am fretting about money, and time he will be away, we will try and make it work if he gets the role. In 3 years he should be coining it, have an MBA under his belt too.

Sometimes you have to take the long view.

Perhaps you can look into car pooling or shring some before/after school care with friends/family?

Change is scary, but usually good.

Also in the interviews, I am sure your DH can negotiate a better package? Perhaps a signing on fee- one that would pay for your driving lessons?

Original poster

bogie · 20/09/2011 18:18

Cricket, I do not know how the dds will feel but ds has been there since he was 18 months old, before either of the girls were born.

OP posts:

Goodynuff · 20/09/2011 18:25

If he takes the job, what will your life look like in 5 years time?
Will you be doing less running around?
It can be hard when we see the immediate problems, to look for the long term benefits, iyswim

cricketballs · 20/09/2011 18:27

sorry to take it off topic bogie but it is a general question (I am not being a judgy pants!) how will you approach this if it comes up in a few years?

If he has been there since he was 18 months (is this a school or a nursery?) then change will be hard to undertake. What environment did you change him to? Was it the school your DDs go to? How old was he when you tried to change schools before?

CustardCake · 20/09/2011 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ButtonHead · 20/09/2011 18:32

You're only looking at the short-term problems. Surely there are long term gains from your husband getting a promotion? And as some one has said, another job, closer to home, may not come up for several years.

It will be difficult, but how long will it be difficult for?

Personally I would be encouraging him to go for the job and can understand why he would feel upset that you aren't.

Having said that, you'll be left juggling a lot. But won't it be worth it in the long term?

Original poster

bogie · 20/09/2011 18:32

It is a school with a nursery department attached, we tried to change him last year, to the school dd's will be attending (they are in nursery atm) dds have already made lots of friends in our village which they will be in school with, ds couldn't make friends when he joined, all the kids had already formed their little groups of friends and non would let ds join in

OP posts:

nickschick · 20/09/2011 18:38

You are being a bit blinkered about the school situation.

My own ds went to 4 different primaries and had a spell of H.E due to dhs work and hes a shy withdrawn child (or was - hes now a law student).

cricketballs · 20/09/2011 18:40

how long did you try for? Wouldn't things be different now he is older and his sisters are at the school?

hopenglory · 20/09/2011 18:42

There must be stuff about the new job that appeals to him, besides the money. If it's not that much of a difference financially then nobody is going to go to all the trouble of going to an interview unless they really think the new job is offering some real benefit.

Is he going to feel resentful that you are trying to make him stay in his current job?

GypsyMoth · 20/09/2011 18:55

How did it go for him?

Original poster

bogie · 20/09/2011 19:41

We tried for about 4 months, I am sure it would be the same now.

OP posts:

Original poster

bogie · 20/09/2011 19:42

Ilove he just said it went well, not telling me much.

OP posts:

Gissabreak · 20/09/2011 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SuchProspects · 21/09/2011 06:50

bogie There is a lot of wisdom and experience in the people here saying your DH may feel very resentful if you stop him from taking the job. But I think you also need to be making it clear to him that you may feel very resentful if he takes it. Unless you two have decided to split your roles very clearly down the husband earns the money/wife looks after family line this move of his will effectively push you that way and that's very unfair on you if you're not happy with that direction.

This board sees lots of posts from women who are annoyed that their DHs take little interest and responsibility for their family lives but just expect the women to pick it all up. And I really think you have the same thing going on here but it is camouflaged in the cloak of career progression. Nevertheless it is him transferring a lot of responsibility for family life onto you, with no clear indication of how you gain fulfillment and no consideration of how it impacts your quality of life. Especially since you have a career you expect to pick up again soon I think you can point out that the job is not compatible with the family life you've both been working towards.

I see a lot of people suggesting you and your DCs make changes to accommodate your DH taking the job. Being flexible isn't a bad thing, but I think you should ask your DH to sit down and think about what changes he can make to make the job less damaging to the rest of you if he really wants to take it. It doesn't sound like he's thought through the impact, only the immediate logistics.

NinkyNonker · 21/09/2011 07:59

I'm surprised at all the people saying that it is up to him and no-one else, in our household we are a team and decisions taken are joint. If one person's decision impacts the other as this does of course it involves them too. I can't imagine encouraging someone to disregard their partner's feelings, how awfully neanderthal!! Back in your box woman, money maker man will make the decisions, ugg ugg.

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