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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told every one that "that is it", but not really?

32 replies

gigglepin · 19/09/2011 19:01

DH despereate for another baby.
I am too.
But
im 41, had my 6th mc last month. Told by Liverpool reoccuring mc clinic that they cant help, cant do anything and that i am likely to continue to have mcs.

Told them at work, that we are no longer trying. DH also thinks that we are no longer trying. Family all told we are no longer trying.

But we are, not really trying like we were, just not doing anything to not get pregnant.

I am just struggling to come to terms.
BTW its very unlikely to happen as it took us almost 2 years to get pregnant last time.
Sad

OP posts:
AKMD · 19/09/2011 19:03

I feel very sorry for you, how distressing and horrible. YANBU not to want the pressure of people asking you every 5 minutes if 'anything is happening'.

thisisyesterday · 19/09/2011 19:07

that must be a horrible situation :(

do they have any idea at all why you keep miscarrying?

knittedbreast · 19/09/2011 19:07

im really sorry, I cant imagine how that must feel.

Keeping talking to your partner about how you are both feeling, maybe have a word with someone close who could pass the msg on to leave the subject for a while....?

AuntiePickleBottom · 19/09/2011 19:08

yanbu, it will take the pressure off.

Original poster
gigglepin · 19/09/2011 19:08

No idea. Everything tested is normal.
No answers, no explanations, no reasons.

OP posts:
sneakybeak · 19/09/2011 19:09

Yep - I hate how people think it's ok to ask/advise about fertility issues. Butt out RL people, it's not helping!

mynewpassion · 19/09/2011 19:10

I think it is fine. If it happens, it happens. If not, you and your dh just cherish the children that you do have and each other.

hairylights · 19/09/2011 19:11

So sorry. Yanbu. Have you tried aspirin?

MorelliOrRanger · 19/09/2011 19:11

Aww that's so sad gigglepin. YANBU to want everyone to back off.

thisisyesterday · 19/09/2011 19:12

that's really sucky giggle :(

Original poster
gigglepin · 19/09/2011 19:12

yup, tried asprin and 5mg folic acid in the last pregnancy....still miscarried at 7 weeks.

we have one ds. aged 8, gorgeous boy.

OP posts:
buzzskillington · 19/09/2011 19:17

I'm sorry Sad. And yes, I think you're right to get the pressure off by telling everyone you've stopped ttc - although I am confused by your dh thinking you're not trying any more? Does he think you're using contraception or is he on board with the 'we'll just see what happens'?

WiiUnfit · 19/09/2011 19:19

YADNBU, like AuntiePickle said, it will take the pressure off you & DH and if something does happen then it will be lovely news for all concerned. I am so sorry gigglepin. Sending you lots of un-MN type hugs.x

ginmakesitallok · 19/09/2011 19:24

After DD1 DP and I wanted another baby. I had 2 mcs and we told everyone that we didn't want another one. It drove me mad being asked when we were having another child, when I'd mc'ed only days before. It was 3rd time lucky for us and we now have DD2. We were never "trying" for another baby - like you we just weren't not trying either. Do whatever you need to get you through

PuspornInBoots · 19/09/2011 19:33

I don't think you're BU at all, to tell people you've stopped trying - it will stop people hopefully from asking pointed or hurtful (unintentionally but still) questions, and if you should have another baby then you can be as pleased and surprised as you would be anyway and so can everyone else. It's not like it's anyone else's business anyway.

Spamspamspam · 19/09/2011 19:38

Gosh you could be me. I am also 41 have had 5 miscarriages and have one healthy DD also aged 8. They can find no cause for my miscarriages as all have happened at different times although it does seem to indicate a blood problem for which I have had aspirin for in the last pregnancy. I lost my little boy at 24 weeks three years ago due to a huge blood clot but all tests for blood problems come up as negative. I then didn't get pregnant for 2 years but got pregnant last year the day after my 40th. Lost that one at 13 weeks and had another huge round of tests - nothing conclusive but now I seem to have some chromosone issue which they are saying is not causing the miscarriages but might hold other implications and do I want to go and see a geneticist.

I decided no, enough really is enough for me and I am going to stick with one, hard as it is and not many days go by when I don't have a passing thought about trying again but I really feel that I have had ten years of this and I don't want any more of my life taken over by it -I have done my absolute best and I am lucky to be here - very nearly died when I gave birth to my son so for me it is definately enough.

People don't really ask me anymore to be honest but if they do I tell them what I have told you - for me enough is enough.

Good luck my love with whatever you decide.

CheerfulYank · 19/09/2011 19:53

Oh honey. :( Nothing useful to add, just so sorry for your losses.

YANBU.

Original poster
gigglepin · 19/09/2011 20:38

Hey spam. We do sound similar except i always have blighted ovums, this they tell me is a chromosomal issue.
I never get beyond 9 weeks.

This last mc, i had several people who told me i should just stop.
So i felt pressured.
I could go one last time...but then thats what i said last time!
Im halfway there but each month i cant help it. I think "maybe this month".

DH just says the same as me, "if it happens it will be fab but we wont go OTT" Bless him.

OP posts:
Original poster
gigglepin · 19/09/2011 20:42

Hey cheerfulyank, just read your profile...you are an American...thats my dream destination! Grin we are regulars to Florida but would LOVE to visit elsewhere.
England is pretty brilliant too, where would you like to visit in England have you researched any where in particular?
Lovely to chat to some one over the pond! Smile

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 19/09/2011 21:00

Oh, it's so pretty here in autumn! You should come. :)

I don't have anywhere in particular in mind when/if I get to visit. I just want to see the whole of the United Kingdom actually.

Triggles · 19/09/2011 21:07

gigglepin - whatever you need to do to take pressure off, I say do it - if that means telling people "that's it" then YANBU.

For what it's worth, we had 4 mc's between our (now)5yo and (now)2yo. All testing normal, no idea what was causing it, so we quietly kept ttc'ing which finally resulted in our (now) 2yo DS. There were a number of people that were saying (all concerned of course) "how can you keep putting yourself through this?" and encouraging us to stop ttc'ing (which I rather thought was none of their business). But it's so difficult to just stop - each new month is another opportunity.

And I was 43 (almost 44) when I had him, so although I imagine age was a factor, it can happen. Best of luck to you both.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 19/09/2011 21:14

Can I just pop in and give you a little (hug)

Do what you need to do.

NiceAcorn · 19/09/2011 21:16

Plese don't think I am in any way minimising your pain and loss, but I wonder if you have had a chance to consider whether you and your DH want "your" baby, or whether you want to love and care for another child. (I'm not saying the former is wrong, BTW).

If the latter, would you consider fostering?

Pls feel free to ignore me if I'm unhelpful or have said anything upseting.

Idohaveoneofthese · 19/09/2011 21:30

Professor Lesley Regan is a bit of a legend in this area - she is in London, but wonder if you could get a private appointment?? Check her out.

DevonLodger · 19/09/2011 22:05

I am so sorry for your losses. If it is practical think about seeing Dr Shehata at the Miscarriage Clinic in London. After years of miscarriages I now have my beautiful 2 year old daughter in my life thanks to this wonderful kind man.