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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be gutted he lied?

32 replies

BeBrutal · 18/09/2011 20:49

I'm a regular lurker and would really appreciate some perspective.

Basically, I recently started dating a guy I new many years ago and we got back in touch through facebook.

On one of the first dates, he dropped in to the conversation thay he didn't do the whole 'one night stand' malarkey and had only slept with 7 women. I have been single for almost 3 years so have done the one night stand thing and was quite upfront about it. (figured no point in lying and am I now at a place where I'm looking for more than that) To be honest though, I was quite impressed that he was a 'nice' guy IYSWIM.

Anyway, many dates on and he drops in to a rather drunken conversation that he has slept with loads more people than he first claimed. I feel really annoyed that he lied, like he wanted me to believe he was someone different than who he really is.

I have real trust issues anyway (ExH was a compulsive liar so I may be OTT wary) It just feels like we started on the wrong foot and I feel weird about it all now.

Am I being weird? Be harsh if need be.... Maybe I'm just not cut out for this relationship stuff.

OP posts:
SwingingBetty · 18/09/2011 20:52

do you like him

DontGoCurly · 18/09/2011 20:54

Hmm, I think everyone lies and revises their number downwards. I wouldn't worry about it unless he is lying about other stuff too.

wannabefree · 18/09/2011 20:54

You're not being weird. He's the weird one for lying- especially if he just came out and volunteered the information without you even asking about how many people he had slept with.

celebmum · 18/09/2011 20:55

Maybe he just wanted to impress you on your first date?

MiseryBusiness · 18/09/2011 20:57

I may be way off but I think a lot of people can lie initially about how many people they have slept with. Maybe he was trying to come clean about it the more serious he felt about you?

nomoreheels · 18/09/2011 20:58

If he said it first, & then you explained you'd had ONS in the past, maybe he was embarrassed at fibbing initially? It's possible he brought it up drunkenly again as he's been thinking about it & wanted to come clean. If he seemed sincere enough when he fessed up I wouldn't get too worked up about it. Did you ask him why he lied?

hatebeingmummy · 18/09/2011 20:58

I think if questioned that everyone lies about their number... but to drop the info (incorrect info) in to a conversation unsolicited is pretty manipulative in my opinion.

I dated heaps of unreliables before my now partner and they all told me very early on how many women they'd slept with. In some cases I found out they'd lied, in some cases I never knew.
I asked my now partner for his "number" after about 5 months dating and he said "I'd rather not say, I don't need to know about your past and you don't need to know about mine.. but I hope there won't be anymore for either of us"
I think that was the most grown up and classy approach to it all and he has turned out to be utterly reliable and trustworthy.

troisgarcons · 18/09/2011 20:59

AIBU to think its just plain odd to discuss numbers and previous partners?

IrmaMuthafucker · 18/09/2011 20:59

I'll be honest I don't get why you would talk about stuff like that at so early a juncture in the relationship nor why anybody cares what someone has or hasn't done sex-wise in the past so long as it's all legal and between consenting adults? Surely much better to concentrate on the present.

Any way, you are where you are, so tell him in a non-confrontational way that you don't appreciate being lied to and ask why he thought you'd be bothered about his history. Then based on what he says decide if you want to hand around for a bit longer or call it quits. You don't need to decide to commit to a full-on relationship now. You can just see how it goes if you want.

ChippingIn · 18/09/2011 21:00

I find the older I get, the less I'm prepared to put up with any shit.

He offered the information, you didn't ask him - he was not put on the spot. He deliberately lied to you...

... NEXT...

squeakytoy · 18/09/2011 21:01

I dont know how many people my husband slept with before me, and he doesnt know how many I slept with..

BluddyMoFo · 18/09/2011 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BeBrutal · 18/09/2011 21:02

Thanks for your replies.

I get that people lie to impress but I just feel abit foolish for believing him. I don't really know how I feel about him...he's nice, complimentary, we have fun together. I just generally don't 'do' relationships because I got burnt so badly with my Ex. Ah....I'm crap at this. And I hate the drama!

OP posts:
Original poster
BeBrutal · 18/09/2011 21:06

He said that he only brought it up initially because he knew, that I knew that he'd slept with a mutual friend and he didn't want me to be put off.

He said he had been worried about the fact he had lied and that was why he told me lastnight.

OP posts:
MiseryBusiness · 18/09/2011 21:09

I'm the same, dont know how many people DH has slept with and he has never asked me, doesnt bother me to be honest.

The only people I have ever discussed my 'number' with over the years have been friends.

hatebeingmummy · 18/09/2011 21:09

Hmm... fair enough, a little immature but, at least you've got the first "uh, oh" moment out of the way - he has one more strike.

shakey1500 · 18/09/2011 21:13

YANBU. That would really annoy me. And I understand when you say you feel "you've started on the wrong foot".

However, as a previous poster said, it would depend on what his reasoning is for not being upfront. If I was head over heels and his answer was acceptable then fair enough I'd move past it. But you sound quite ambivalent about him so maybe it's enough of a deal breaker for you.

Original poster
BeBrutal · 18/09/2011 21:20

It seemed immature to me too.

It just seemed like a really stupid thing to lie about. It's really unsettled me.

Hmmmm....maybe he's just not the right one for me.

Thanks for replying.

OP posts:
post · 18/09/2011 21:22

I've never lied, and my number's high-ish. To those who would, or expect others to, why, out of interest?

shakey1500 · 18/09/2011 21:26

post I'm curious as well.

I didn't meet dh till I was 30 and we discovered pretty quickly we were cut from the same cloth, both been round the block a bit, upfront, happy days :)

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 18/09/2011 21:26

He may have been concerned that your mutual friend had told you he was the love 'em and leave 'em type.

he's nice, complimentary, we have fun together So what's not to like? Enjoy it while it lasts.

In California he'd still have 2 strikes left - personally, I'd put the score board back to 0 for what, to me, is an understandable little white lie and ply him with drink to see if any more 'confesssions' come out of the closet.

iscream · 18/09/2011 21:58

I don't like being lied too, so it would bother me. But because he fessed up, I would not hold that particular lie against him.

But, I have no time for a grown man(or woman) getting drunk, drunkenness is a big turn off for me.

Bubbles007 · 18/09/2011 22:06

lies ... omitting information .. thinking for you ... alarm bells ring in your head. clear the issue if he makes you happy

DandyLioness · 18/09/2011 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 18/09/2011 23:50

I agree with DandyLioness on this one. I hate lies and it is a pathetic thing to lie about. I don't see the need to discuss the past with someone I'm seeing wrt to how many people I/they've slept with. It's the past, it's irrelevant so long as it doesn't interfere with the present.