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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To throw him out?

45 replies

Sookeh · 13/09/2011 19:08

Apologies for posting in the wrong thread before, my iPhone glitched.

I am really upset, I walked in on my brother browsing an awful website full of gore and dead bodies. I didn't see much but what I saw was really awful.

He was supposed to be watching DD for me for an hour whilst I had a nap (new anti-ds' are making me very drowsy).

DH wants to throw him out. Is that an over reaction? I'm so upset and worried my DD might of seen something she shouldn't have :(

OP posts:

ilovepesto · 13/09/2011 19:09

Does he live with you?

squeakytoy · 13/09/2011 19:11

How old is your brother? and how old is your daughter?

BluddyMoFo · 13/09/2011 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Sookeh · 13/09/2011 19:12

He's nineteen and living with me for a while as he's been causing trouble at my mums house. I've been trying to help him get his life together and get a job etc.

My daughter is 3.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sookeh · 13/09/2011 19:13

I said that it was an over reaction. I think DH just wants him out.

I'm stuck in the middle

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 13/09/2011 19:14

If he was looking at this while your daughter was in the room, and she was also looking, then you would be right to be furious with him. If she wasnt paying any attention to the screen, and he is aware that seeing gory images is not suitable for a young child, and would have known to shut down the screen if she came near it, then I wouldnt have any problem with that. I remember my own stepson and his mates having a fascination with gore at that age too.

Original poster

Sookeh · 13/09/2011 19:17

You're probably right sqeakytoy, there's no way he'd be doing it while she was on his lap or looking at the screen. I think she was just coloring in at the table.

I'm just about it, I want to help him out but DH really doesn't like him.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 13/09/2011 19:22

Thing is though, if you know your husband doesnt like him, why give him the ammunition here to fire? You were the one who walked in, and saw the situation, so it would probably have been best to keep it to yourself. Not saying anything is not the same as lying. You could have just said to your brother that you hope your daughter hasnt seen any of that, and you would rather he look at that sort of rubbish when he is on his own. No need for your husband to be involved in it if you know that it is likely to give him a reason to kick off about your brother.

SnapesMistress · 13/09/2011 19:26

No I think she did the right thing by telling her DH.

TBH I'm not sure I would have brother living with me if my partner was against it, it is his house too. How many threads on here advise the OP not to have relatives staying if they don't want them in the house but the partner does.

Original poster

Sookeh · 13/09/2011 19:26

I wouldn't have said anything. I quietly asked him why he was looking at it with my DD in the room and he kicked off yelling and shouting and DH walked in in the middle of it. He gets defensive when he's caught doing something he shouldn't and tends to raise his voice and act intimidating.

I wasn't trying to shit stir or anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sookeh · 13/09/2011 19:28

DH wasn't against the idea initially but he doesn't like the way he acts when he's here. He's messed up though and everyone has sort of given up on him

I don't want to do that.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 13/09/2011 19:30

I quietly asked him why he was looking at it with my DD in the room and he kicked off yelling and shouting

Ah, now that makes it very different. He has absolutely no respect for you if he kicks off at a simple polite question, and that is probably why he got kicked out of your mums I suspect.

If he treats you like this, it is no wonder your husband doesnt want him in the house, and I think perhaps your husband has a valid point now.

If you are struggling with depression, stress like this is really not going to help you, and it may be the best thing if you do tell your brother to sling his hook. He is not a child, and it sounds like he needs to grow up and fast.

Original poster

Sookeh · 13/09/2011 19:34

He still behaves very childlike and can't do even the most basic of tasks for himself (terrible personal hygiene, unhealthy diet) etc.

I don't think he could cope on his own but DH is at the end of his rope with him.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 13/09/2011 19:39

You would be surprise how many people in their late teens can cope on their own, when they have to. Honestly!

I am sure he is more than capable of doing basic tasks unless there is a disability which is preventing him from doing so. The usual reason is pure bone idleness not inability.

Is he working? If not, why not?

Plenty lads his age have an unhealthy diet, that usually rectifies itself in time. Hygiene, again, if he ever wonders why he doesnt have a girlfriend (assuming he doesnt) point out that if he took a bit more care with his appearance he might get one. Shaming them into washing is often the only cure.

Perhaps he ought to be looking at sharing a flat with his mates, but as a young family, you should be concentrating on you, your husband, and your child, and not having the stress of an arsey teen living with you... you have all that to come when your own children get older! :)

Original poster

Sookeh · 13/09/2011 19:43

You're right I know you are, I think I'm just feeling horribly guilty about not being able to help.

He doesn't have a job as he's just left college and is waiting on a job seekers agreement or something like that, so I'm paying for his keep as well.

He said he's been looking for a job but all he does his sit on facebook or play video games.

OP posts:

Dozer · 13/09/2011 19:44

He needs to go. Why should you, (especially) your DD and DH be put through this sort of shit? They should be your priority. Your brother is an adult and only he can sort his life out.

Listen to your DH. Help your brother get any helpnhe's entitled to, find alternative housing etc.

Dozer · 13/09/2011 19:45

Don't feel guilty, he is 19 not 9. Sounds like you've done loads for him.

Original poster

Sookeh · 13/09/2011 19:46

I know, I think I'll have to help him find somewhere else to go.

I'm struggling with crippling pnd and DS is only 9mo and I can't really cope with the stress it's putting on me and my family.

OP posts:

biscuitmad · 13/09/2011 19:50

I think you are better off kicking him out of the house. This will be a huge wake up call for him and it will help him to sort himself out. As long as he knows he can walk all over you, it wont help him to grow up.

On the hygiene side of things I know two guys one is married the other engaged. After standing near them for two minutes you can smell the bo and I find it discusting. But they are both in happy relationships maybe some women can cope with bo.

squeakytoy · 13/09/2011 19:53

You are making it too easy for him, and in doing so, making life harder than it needs to be for you and your husband. Its very thoughtful and caring of you to try and help your brother, but he isnt grateful, and should be doing what he can to help YOU if you are providing a roof over his head.

I think you have to send him back to your mum, and if she wont have him, or he wont go there, then he needs to drag his lazy backside to the housing department and tell them he has been made homeless. I am not saying they will be able to do much, but it might be the wake up call he needs.

I think your husband is at the end of his tether because he cares about YOU and wants you to get well. Having a stroppy teen who is not your own child taking advantage of you both is probably driving him mad, and it really wont help you get better.

You have nothing at all to feel guilty about.

Original poster

Sookeh · 13/09/2011 19:53

Oh dear

I'm really not looking forward to telling him but I'm sure you're right Biscuit. He never does anything as I'm always there to bail him out when he gets into trouble.

He has a lot of good points, he's just hard work and acts like he's 12 rather than 19.

OP posts:

Nagoo · 13/09/2011 19:53

OP :(

I have no useful advice but I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

If he knows that you are his last chance then why is he not on best behaviour? I don't get it. If you have fucked up so you have to go and stay with your sister and her new family, then why not try hard?

What is it going to take to make him behave in a responsible way? He needs to appreciate what you are doing for him.

Original poster

Sookeh · 13/09/2011 19:54

You're right too Squeaky, I'll just have to let him find his feet I suppose.

Thanks all for the advice/kind words.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sookeh · 13/09/2011 19:56

I have no idea Nagoo.

He had a problem with drink a while back and got very drunk and ended up in a police cell overnight. He doesn't drink while he's here as I won't allow it but I'm worried he'll start up again when he moves out.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 13/09/2011 19:57

Sookeh, he probably will kick off, so please dont try and do this on your own, enlist your husband, who will probably be more than happy to assist with the eviction order!

You will no doubt be given a load of verbal about what a mean and nasty cow you are... but trust me, one day he will thank you and respect you for doing this for him. It wont be now, but when he grows up, there is a very good chance he will realise what a little shit he has been and will understand why you threw him out, and helped him to become the adult he needs to be.

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