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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To throw him out?

45 replies

Sookeh · 13/09/2011 19:08

Apologies for posting in the wrong thread before, my iPhone glitched.

I am really upset, I walked in on my brother browsing an awful website full of gore and dead bodies. I didn't see much but what I saw was really awful.

He was supposed to be watching DD for me for an hour whilst I had a nap (new anti-ds' are making me very drowsy).

DH wants to throw him out. Is that an over reaction? I'm so upset and worried my DD might of seen something she shouldn't have :(

OP posts:

BlueFergie · 13/09/2011 20:01

I quietly asked him why he was looking at it with my DD in the room and he kicked off yelling and shouting

I wouldn't tolerate this from my DH never mind from a brother who is living in my home.

Mitmoo · 13/09/2011 20:11

You've taken him in and he's yelling and shouting at you?

You don't have to put up with this, people generally don't sort themselves out until they've hit their rock bottom (GA lessons on life coming back to mind here). You are cushioning him, and allowing him to abuse you in your own home which should be a haven for your child.

You are a kind sweet person who cares about her brother, but he sounds like a user who would have your child upset and not care.

I think you have to decide your brother or your husband's and daughter's happiness (and your own for that matter because you are sacrificing yourself to help him). when others have given up

notherdaynotherdollar · 13/09/2011 20:17

why isnt he allowed to look at whatever he chooses to on a computer, as long as it isnt illegal? he is an adult. Surely he is able to make his own decisions

Mitmoo · 13/09/2011 20:19

Her house, her rules, her computer, notherday

Original poster

Sookeh · 13/09/2011 20:20

Thanks all for the kind words.

DH is going to ask him to start looking for somewhere else to live. I'd do it but I'm a bit afraid of him if I'm honest. He's twice the size of me and can get quite loud/intimidating.

North- it was because he was looking at inappropriate things whilst my DD was in the room, that was the issue for me really.

OP posts:

LittleDragon · 13/09/2011 20:27

It sounds like your brother needs to be in supported housing of some type. I was very similar at his age and living in a flat with support sorted out a lot of my problems. They will also be able to help get benefits sorted quicker and sort out money for while it comes through. Your local council should be able to signpost you and him but it may take a letter from you saying he must be out on whatever date.

Pm me if you want anymore help.

Original poster

Sookeh · 13/09/2011 20:39

Thanks a lot LittleDragon, I'll definitely look into that. He definitely does need to be supported in some capacity I think.

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 20:45

I would not tolerate anyone looking at violent images with my DC in the room. He sounds like he has no sense of what is appropraite. If you DD sees porn over his shoulder that would be classed as sexual abuse. I don't view dead bodies much differently and would count it as emotional abuse. Your first duty is to your child and it is a child protection issue.

Going on from there he sounds like he needs to find his feet and how to be an adult. He is lucky he has your support.

Inertia · 13/09/2011 23:03

Sookeh, you shouldn't feel guilty about asking your brother to leave. His behaviour has been unsupportable, both in terms of looking at violent websites while your DD was in the room and by kicking off at you when you expressed concern about it. TBH, I'm not surprised your DH is angry- if he's out at work all day (am making assumptions here based on the comment about him walking in to the argument), he probably feels that he's slogging away to pay for a teenager to sit about, pick arguments, and look at hideous internet images while supposedly caring for a small child.

I hope you've been able to access help with your PND; the stress caused by the situation with your brother is possibly making you feel even worse. You can't carry the lives of all these people, your children need you most of all. By all means help your brother, help him access the support he needs- but this situation isn't helping him or your family.

SnapesMistress · 14/09/2011 11:29

How are you today OP?

Original poster

Sookeh · 14/09/2011 16:34

Just got into a huge fight with him and he shoved me against a walk, really hurting my back in the process. He was angry as my DH told him he'd need to find somewhere else to live this morning.

He's stormed out now.

DH is on his way home from work as I'm really shaken up and I'm worried he'll come back.

My DD is crying her heart out

I feel so guilty for letting this happen in front of her. I'm a terrible mother.

OP posts:

ipswichwitch · 14/09/2011 17:06

firstly, you are not a terrible mother.
second, he's an adult (am i correct, you said he's 19?), and is responsible for himself and his behaviour.
i've been in a similar situation - my DB came to stay for "a few days" following a split from his GF at the time. ended up staying for 5 months. he isn't aggressive like yours , but he was unemployed and was making no real effort to get a job and sort his life out. thinking back, why would he?? big sis was there to bail him out again, and he had a roof over his head, food on the table, all for nowt as he was unemployed. we had a lot of rows toward the end of the 5 month, i couldnt take any more coming home from work to a messy house, not one offer to make tea or make my life easier in any way considering all i had done for him.
i had to be firm and tell him time had come to find somewhere else to live. my oh (we werent yet living together at the time) was v supportive which helped. i've learned not to feel so responsible for him, he's big enough to sort his own life out now (like i've had to) and cannot expect me to bail him out every time he messes up. i know you're being a good sister trying to help him, but there comes a point where you cant do any more and he needs to do it for himself. you've done the right thing, and i hope he doesnt cause any more bother for you. now is the time to put DD and DH (as well as yourself) first. you dont need this kind of aggro

Original poster

Sookeh · 14/09/2011 18:35

Thank you Witch,

I'm sorry to hear you've been in a similar situation

I just feel like a terrible mother for taking him in in the first place, DD is really upset, she's never seen violence of any sort before and she adores her Uncle.

OP posts:

ipswichwitch · 14/09/2011 18:47

you acted with the best intentions, and nobody can fault you for caring enough to take him in. his appalling behaviour is in no way your fault. i recommend lots of tlc for you and DD, and hope your DH is home soon. the fact that you obviously care so much for your family make you a v good mother IMO, dont be to hard on yourself

SnapesMistress · 15/09/2011 11:12

I'm sorry he hurt you but it really solidifies why you need him gone. Hope it has gone well this morning.

Anniegetyourgun · 15/09/2011 11:41

Your DH told him he would have to leave - so he assaulted you while your DH was out of the house. That officially makes him a coward as well as a bully. And in front of your 3yo! I'm sorry, but your efforts to be a good sister are wasted on him. As others have said, once he's forced to take responsibility for himself he may grow up. No guarantees - but you can't make him grow up.

You wouldn't have taken him in if you'd known it would come to this, so no-one can fairly say you were a bad mother. A good one can't always prevent her child experiencing bad things but she can help the child to get over them. You have done your best.

Original poster

Sookeh · 15/09/2011 13:00

Thank you for the supportive words, it means an awful lot to me.

My DH was understandably livid and doesn't want him here ever again

Time will tell what effect this will have on my relationship with my mother (who seems to think I deserved getting shoved about because I "wound him up")

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ImpyCelyn · 15/09/2011 13:20

Sookeh I'm so sorry to hear this had happened.

My brother until he was about 18 used to hit me, shove against walls and generally intimidate me. My mum also thought it was my fault and several times stood there and watched him do it and then said "well that'll teach you not to be such a bitch to him, won't it" and things like that.

I have no respect for either my brother or my mother now.

It's assault by the way, and if he does it again you might want to think about speaking to the police. I wish I'd been brave enough to do that tbh.

Stay strong, your DH is right to be honest with you. You should get rid of him, and until you can trust him not to intimidating or aggressive it would be no bad thing not to have him in your life. Your mother as well if she's going to defend that kind of thing, especially as the reason he's with you is because she doesn't want him.

Good luck!

Anniegetyourgun · 15/09/2011 13:29

my mother (who seems to think I deserved getting shoved about because I "wound him up")

That would be the mother who he doesn't live with because he was being difficult, yes? Which is why he was living with you in the first place?

I'm beginning to understand why he's never grown up.

Original poster

Sookeh · 15/09/2011 16:15

So sorry to hear that you've been through crap times with your brother Impy, but thank you for the advice/kind words, I definitely feel like a break from him until he gets himself together would be the best thing for everyone.

Annie, you're right. The thing is, she moans and complains about him constantly, calls him a c**t and that she hates him etc, but when anyone else complains about him she defends him to the ends of the earth.

I don't understand her at all.

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