aibu or is my sister?

[wfrances]

just spoke to mum ,my sister was up her house last night discussing xmas day plans.
her plan is were all go to her house- my issues are she has a cat dh is allergic (she told my mum shell kick the cat out while hes there)but allergies dont work like that-theres dander all over her house.
other problem is ive got 4 kids -youngest is 7 she hasnt got any.
we stopped going out for xmas day years ago as it wasnt fair on the kids to open and run.
plus they have decided turkey is off the menu??
mum reckons my sister has it all planned and she will be real upset if i tell her were not going.
do you think ibu or is she?

Nobody is being unreasonable yet until you and your sister have discussed it. You need to talk.

If she doesn't have children and you have 4 then I personally would NOT go there on Christmas day. I would want my kids to be at home opening their prezzies and playing with them, that's just my opinion.

The cat thing is solved by taking an antihistamine of some kind before going but I don't think it is really about the cat is it?!

Yes agree, no one is being unreasonable, yet, you just have to say, you are staying home this year and thank you for the invite. You may want to offer them all brunch at yours on boxing day?

I can see both sides, to be honest.

Putting the cat out won't neutralise the hair etc which your DS might react to.

And all children want to play and enjoy their gifts rather than traipsing of to a relative's for the day.
On the other hand, when I was single (for many, many years) i felt like the saddo that got invited for Christmas out of pity. I longed to host the festivities and be able to give my family a day to remember.

Can't you compromise? Have lunch at yours then go to hers to join the rest of the family for tea (presuming you can manage your DS's allergy in the cat's home).

Agree you need to discuss it with your sister. Then come back to this thread.

If you've never been to hers before just give it a go! It sounds a bit like your firmly set in your ways and as se has suggested
Something different for one year you are unhappy

I'm allergic to cats but I own one! Allergies vary! Can you dose up DH on piraton for one year.

As 'I've got 4 kids, she's got none' I find that annoying and a bit entitled (first time using entitled on mumsnet y'all!)
So because she has no kids she shouldn't even have the right to ask people to go to hers? She should drop everything every single year to fit in with you because you have kids?

Uh, I'm leaving this thread early

I would start talking to your sister. Christmas is months away so she cannot have it all organised yet (or if she does she is a bit OCD). Is there anyway you can compromise and call in for a bit? Is your mother feeling torn, that she wants/doesn't want to be with you and your kids, but also feels she wants/should be with your sister for a change? Does your sister usually come to you?
Good luck!

Yabu, you haven't even discussed it with her.

surely she can invite you for christmas, but not tell you thats what you're doing! Just thank her for the kind offer but explain you have other plans

I do not see the problem with going to hers just because she has no children. If you really have a thing about the menu then just talk to her about it.

no the cats just part of it ,but surely you dont make plans for other people especially xmas day. im not looking forward to ringing her after.
even if i wanted to go dh and youngest ds 7 wouldnt.

God how lively to be eat Xmas dinner cooked by someone else, for your kids to be spoilt & entertained by their aunt & grandma
Sounds lovely to me
Yabu why should your sister and mum always go to yours?

I agree with other that it is mean to assume that the 'single' person shouldn't have the opportunity to host Christmas. Talk direct to your sister - come to an agreement as adults without your mother being the 'organiser'.

Some of the best Christmasses we have had are when things are done 'differently' - you don't have to get stuck in a rut of opening presents/playing with new toys and eating turkey. .

I would want to stay home, I have 2 sisters, elders kids were young, I had no kids at the time, we went to hers and we all helped cook dinner. Now my kids are young and hers much older she comes to us and helps me cook. When my kids are older and my younger sis has kids, we will go to hers. Kids are generally easier and it's less stress for parents when they are in their own environment, but I can sew where your sister is coming from.

SIBU to plan it without inviting.

YABU to totally dismiss it imo.

Is 7 old enough to have a few hrs away from presents?

But if you want to be at yours-then do it!

We went to my sister's last year. First time my DCs had been away from home on Christmas Day, but they loved it and were really excited to be going. I had a great time too. It was lovely to be "helper" rather than organiser for a change. I wasn't sure it was a great idea, but I'm really glad we went.

kayano-im not getting on my high horse ,the fact i have children and she has none is only relevant in that they dont want to leave their toys go in the car for 30mins and just sit quietly in front of a tv.
xmas day is for the children not for adults,
we cant go later as dh takes children to visit his widowed mother every year.

As diddl said.

You could ring up and say, I hear you've made plans for Christmas - we already have our day sorted thanks - you should have said earlier - but perhaps we could sort something out?

Depends on what you actually want to do, and also what you think would be best for the kids. We loved visiting rellies over Christmas and it was always better when the whole family were together, but that wsas generally Boxing Day - on Xmas Day we were home with our presents. If you want to be at home for the day - that's absolutely fine. Maybe go over for a couple of hours in the afternoon.

Whatever happens, if your sister gets huffy, point out that this is the first you've heard of these plans, and -wait for it- if you are inviting people to yours, you invite them... you don't order them to attend. You ASK them. And you have the manners to see that, especially at Christmas, they will have their own ideas on how they want to spend the day.

In that case - it's a no! Polite and a bit regretful, but no thanks, the morning is the childrens' time with their presents at home and in the afternoon we'll be at DH's mum. How about Boxing Day? Would you like to come here in the morning to spend a bit of time with the kids on Xmas Day, then we'll all come to you for Boxing Day?

You could easily offer a friendly sociable compromise - if she can't accept it - not your problem. You're not competing against her to have your mum or taking anything away from her - so no grounds for strops I think.

I never said you were on your high horse, but no, please feel free to put words right in my mouth?

I you've never been to your sisters before how do you know what it will be like?
FGS don't come on AIBU if you don't want my opinion that actually, I do think you are being a bit unreasonable.

It's one year and it did come across that your wants trump sisters because you have kids and she does not

your 1st post says 'we stopped going out for xmas day years ago' then later
'we cant go later as dh takes children to visit his widowed mother every year'

so do you go out or not?

I wouldnt underestimaye the effect a cat can have on someone with allergies either and its not just as simple as taking tablets which may leave him drowsy/unable to have a drink etc...

If i spend more than an hour sonewhere like that, even if i have double dosed myself i suffer for over a week later and the dander gets everywhere!