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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my MIL is a stupid biatch

45 replies

heathermumof3 · 03/09/2011 13:42

I am so wound up again. I have posted before regarding my MIL having my middle DS as her favourite. I have 2 reasons why she has got to me today.

First my DH had asked my oldest to take some washing upstairs. He turned round and said grandma (my MIL) had told him to say to my DH that if he wanted a slave get mum to do it. My DS then got into big big trouble.

The second thing of today as always she leave my DD out. She is 20 months. My MIL has come round with my SIL and has taken my 2 boys to the circus. She says my DD wornt know that he is being left out and as my MIL says she does not do girls. (even though she has a daughter)

I am so mad and feel sorry for my DD again being left out.

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 03/09/2011 13:45

Your title is horrible.

Your MIL doesn't sound very nice though, so I don't blame you for not liking her.

Takitezee · 03/09/2011 13:45

YANBU. She needs a slap for the first comment and as for leaving your dd out, I wouldn't let it happen. You don't have to let the boys go with her.

worraliberty · 03/09/2011 13:46

YANBU in general here....except that the 20 month old is a bit young for the circus, especially when your MIL has your other two kids to look after (even with your SILs help) So I would just enjoy the one on one time with your daughter.

As for the rest of it, she doesn't sound like a nice person at all and not someone I would want to have a particular influence in my children's lives.

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 03/09/2011 13:47

The title is like that because I am so mad. I know I didn't have to let my boys go but they where excited and I didn't want to let them down.

OP posts:

Oakmaiden · 03/09/2011 13:48

Well... the circus thing I don't really see as a big problem - I wouldn't want to take a 20 month old to a circus. I just think that they are too young and would be frightened or bored and generally not appreciate it.

The first thing, though, is appalling. Imagine saying something like that to your child!

And it is very unkind of her to consistently leave your daughter out, as well. However, I suppose if she has both your boys at the circus you can have some special girlie time together with your daughter?

pixielicious · 03/09/2011 13:50

She is BU, if she wants to have regular contact with her grandchildren, she must do so with ALL of them and treat them ALL equally. She cannot just choose to "not do girls". Otherwise she may you choosing to "not do going to MIL's ever", or "not do letting MIL see my boys"

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 03/09/2011 13:51

You have a choic - allow it or not. You might not be able to change her, but you can certainly say that she will not do x,y,z because you will not allow it.

So saying that she isn't going to have anything to do with your daughter - which is basically what she is saying with the whole doesn't do girls thing - is solved by saying that if she doesn't want to know your daughter, she doesn't get to be with your sons.

Again with the telling your son to say unacceptable things to you - stop it or stop seeing them.

You can't force her to change, but you can set out the terms by which she may remain a big part of their lives. If she chooses to not accept those terms, that's up to her. You give her that choice. If she values them, she will respect you.

(But I should tell you that I don't subscribe to the whole 'blood is thicker that water' shit. If someone is horrible, then an accident of birth does not obligate you to them in any way, imo)

diddl · 03/09/2011 13:54

Why did your son get into "big, big trouble" for repeating crap his GM had said?

Should he have known better?

Daughter not going to circus wouldn´t bother me in future if she "doesn´t do girls" I´d tell her that´s a shame as they all go or none go.

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 03/09/2011 13:56

As I have said before on here. My MIL prefers my middle DS 3. She normally only ever takes him out. Before now I have come home from work on alot of occasions to find out with asking me that my DS is stopping over. She says my oldest prefers his other grandmas and she is not keen on girls. She has only took my oldest Today because he made a fuss. I just hate this favouritism.

Another nasty comment she made today at me was that I had snapped my crown because in her words in front of the children because I have been stuffing my fat face.

Sorry think I am just ranting in anger but she has got to me again today.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 03/09/2011 13:58

Do you enjoy being down trodden and put upon? Serious question here?

What do you or your children have to gain from this woman being so nasty to you and your kids?

diddl · 03/09/2011 13:59

Why do you let her see them when she thinks so little of you?

purits · 03/09/2011 14:00

The two are connected. MIL doesn't do girls. In fact, she thinks female=slave/drudge.

It looks like she is going to try to teach your sons to be misogynistic. Stamp it out now.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 03/09/2011 14:00

I'm sorry, because it sounds awful - but she acts like this because she is allowed to act like this.

What are the consequences for her behaviour?

It would be lovely if she was a decent person who treated you all well and you didn't have to think like that, but you have to deal with a situation how it is, not how it ought to be

You have a choice. At the moment, you are choosing to allow her to treat you like this - why? Is the alternative worse? You deserve better and so do the unfavoured children.

I am NOT having a go at you, but people often think they are trapped in a situation when the reality is that they are not, but they are afraid of the other options available to them, iyswim.

Andrewofgg · 03/09/2011 14:01

You've got hold of a gem here, haven't you, OP?

Edge her out of your lives. You won't miss here and probably vice versa!

MmmmmCake · 03/09/2011 14:03

you are out of order for calling anybody a stupid bitch

i wouldnt want to take a 20 month to the circus either. Sometimes its fine to do things with one or another, doesnt always have to be the whole family traipsing along

worraliberty · 03/09/2011 14:05

OP, does your DH stand up to her when she calls you names?

AnotherJaffaCake · 03/09/2011 14:16

There is a saying that goes something like "keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer". Unless you want all out war, and it does sound like your MIL is an unpleasant person who appears to be trying to goad you into an argument, it might be best to put a brave face on it and have a rant every now and again on here or to your friends. My MIL, whilst nowhere near as unpleasant as your's, has been known to make the odd nasty remark in my direction. I just ignore her.

On the circus question, I wouldn't have taken a 20 month old child either. My DS was 19 months last February, and we decided not to take him to the pantomime, so DD just went with DH instead. DS would have just found it too much - he can't sit still for more than 5 seconds without squirming and making a nuisance of himself, so would have spoiled it for everyone.

FabbyChic · 03/09/2011 14:25

I'd be inclined to say if you cannot talk to me and treat me with respect you can fuck off out of my life and to hell with you seeing any of my children let alone your favourites.

I can understand her not taking the 20 month old a bit young to go to be honest, and lets face it 20 month old children need more looking after.

blackeyedsusan · 03/09/2011 14:33

take the 20m non trip to the circus out of the equation, you are still left with a mil who doesn't do girls, favours one of the boys over the other and makes rude comments about you to the boys.

what is your dh's response. that is cucial. you need him on board. have you asked him what he thinks of the favourritism and how you are going to deal with it as a family? have you asked him whetherr he thinks it may be damaging to your children? he may be in the mum can do no wrong camp of men.

worraliberty · 03/09/2011 14:34

Totally agree with Fabby and for what it's worth, she is a stupid bitch in my opinion (I mean your MIL..not Fabby!)

FabbyChic · 03/09/2011 14:43

Phew thank god for that! Worral had me worried there for two seconds!

worraliberty · 03/09/2011 14:44

diddl · 03/09/2011 14:49

It´s an AIBU about a MIL-stupid bitch is mild, isn´t it?

MmmmmCake · 03/09/2011 14:59

It´s an AIBU about a MIL-stupid bitch is mild, isn´t it?

depends on the type of person you are :)

pigletmania · 03/09/2011 15:01

YANBU at all. Your dh needs to have words with his mother about her behaviour. As for leaving your dd out of the circus trip, its not an ideal outing for a toddler who might be fractious and would not be able to sit still, she could also be scared of certain elements of it. However your MIL should have planned an alternative outing for her and dd. OK your dd won't notice now that she is being left out, but will most certainly do in a few years time, when she sees her big brothers being taken on outings and treats by your MIL and she is being left out. This has to be dealt with as early as possible.

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