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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to go?

54 replies

DevotionAndDesire · 03/09/2011 11:26

I made plans to go out with a friend today, we where going to go to for a walk and a picnic with DS in the woods a few miles away.

I texted her an hour ago to see what time she wanted to go and she replied saying "do you mind if I bring DP".
Usually I wouldn't, he used to be a friend, but a few weeks ago he had a go at me, for no reason, and said he couldn't stand me and my 'self absorbed ways'. I haven't spoken to him since, and am still upset. He never apologised.

I could say I do mind, but I don't want to sound be childish.
But I don't want to spend my Saturday afternoon with him.

It has really spoiled my mood and I don't want to go at all anymore.

Am I being unreasonable? And should I just suck it up?

He was a complete dick and said some really nasty personal things, (it wasnt a drunken thing) and has no once made any attempt to appologise for what he said.

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 03/09/2011 11:27

Tell your friend you're not going and tell her exactly why too, I would.

SiamoFottuti · 03/09/2011 11:32

tell her, yes I do mind, and for a very good reason.

FabbyChic · 03/09/2011 11:34

I'd just say considering how your DP spoke to me a few weeks ago, Im not comfortable with going with him there, I give it a miss this time.

Original poster

DevotionAndDesire · 03/09/2011 11:37

Thanks, I guess I just needed reassuring that I wasn't being an unreasonable wench.

OP posts:

ownthreadhider · 03/09/2011 11:37

There is obvs more to this than meets the eye and you do sound a bit self absorbed tbh.

PuppyMonkey · 03/09/2011 11:38

Oakmaiden · 03/09/2011 11:41

Don't know how you work that out, ownthreadhider.

I would tell your friend that you are not sure that it would be such fun with dp, as he told you recently that he didn't like you at all. Then suggest that you can rearrange for another time when dp isn't around.

LadyBeagleEyes · 03/09/2011 11:47

Does your friend know what he said to you?

Tyrionlovingyourwork · 03/09/2011 11:47

agree with advice that says don't go. Make alternative plans for your DS.

Not sure why you are self absorded to ask a AIBU.

Why CompleteDick would want to go anyway unless he was a ....

WreckaJones · 03/09/2011 11:49

OP why would friend's DP want to waste any time socialising with you if he dislikes you so much? Maybe you can ask her? But no YABU to not want to spend time with someone who dislikes you.

WreckaJones · 03/09/2011 11:49

YANBU not Yabu

fannybaws · 03/09/2011 11:51

Don't go why would you want to spend your afternoon with him, even if he apologised you would still know that is what he thinks of you.
Did your friend hear him saying it?

TrillianAstra · 03/09/2011 11:52

"Actually last time I saw him he wasn't very nice to me, I don't think he'd want to come and do something with me anyway".

Catslikehats · 03/09/2011 11:52

ownthreadhider eh?

handsomeharry · 03/09/2011 11:54

YANBU at all.

2rebecca · 03/09/2011 11:59

I wouldn't be keen because I would then feel I was going for a walk with a couple rather than going for a walk and cosy chat with a friend.
I would be honest and say that I'd prefer it if he didn't come as her partner was rude to me and called me self absorbed the last time I saw him and that although he is her friend he isn't really mine. I would suggest that she goes for a walk with her boyfriend if she wants to spend the day with him and my son and I will do something else.

I think she has been unreasonable in suggesting this. Bringing your partner along to a day out with a friend completely alters the type of day and conversation you will have. Different if a large group of friends were going out.

HamstersDontSwim · 03/09/2011 12:03

Op,
Is he a shit to her?
It just sounds like he is trying to come between your friend and you.
I'm seeing a bright red flag here, but could be projecting!
My H has come between me and my friends/family and used to turn up on days out with friends.
Sounds like he wants you to cancel.
If I were you I would go along and not let him win.

pixielicious · 03/09/2011 12:03

YANBU. Tell her you will not be hanging out with her DP until he apologises for his behaviour. I think the reason ownthreadhider said what she said is that we don't know WHY the friend's DP said this to the OP, but to me, regardless of what happened OP, even if you were in the wrong in some way (and I'm not suggesting you were!), he was abominably rude, and shouldn't be allowed to get away with it!

bubby64 · 03/09/2011 12:18

YANBU- a walk with kids and girly chat is what was first offered, not an uncomfortable silence and feeling of being a gooseberry to your BF and her complete dickhead partner. Tell her that you will re-arrange the walk when she needs some girly chat, but for her to go with her DP today if she wants without you.

Original poster

DevotionAndDesire · 03/09/2011 12:30

Okay two months ago it was my SIL's 30th we had organised a huge surprise party, on the same night my friend wanted to go for a night out, she had a bad week at work and argument with her controling mother, I felt bad but I couldnt go out with her because it was my SIL's party that I had helped organise.
My friend got very depressed, drank three bottles of red wine, home alone, and made her self very ill.
The very next day i went round to her house with cakes and chocolate hoping to make up for letting her down, but was told by her DP that she was too ill to get out of bed and that it was my fault and I should go home.
The next weekend I asked if she still fancied a night out, Nd we went for a drink, when I droped her at home her DP had a go at me telling me that I was self absorbed and a terrible friend and that I 'pick up and drop' my friend when I feel like it.
He said he couldn't stand me and wished my friend could see me for what I really was.

We used to get on really well, I knew him before they started dating and we used to be friends.

I don't know if he is trying to get between us but it does sound like it. :(

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 03/09/2011 12:35

Does she know this? Tell her everything he said to you and that's why you're not going today. Otherwise he's likely to poison her against you, claiming you've dropped her again for no good reason.

Thumbwitch · 03/09/2011 12:36

Wow, he sounds a right charmer!
I hope you have spoken (not texted) to your friend and told her that you would not be comfortable with her DP there and you actually have no idea why he would want to come, since he has told you he can't stand you.

really, she has a right to know - if he's trying to come between you, then it is only fair to keep her in the loop. Of course, if he denies it and then she stops speaking to you, it could be a problem - but in all honesty it's better to tell her the truth, anything else would be worse in the long run.

ruletheworld · 03/09/2011 12:39

Was there a specific reason she couldnt come to sil party? Is that why he's pissed off? Y a n b u btw

elinorbellowed · 03/09/2011 12:40

I think you need to still go. If he is trying to come between you, and I think he is, you need to show her that you won't be driven away. Keep being as good a friend as possible so that he, like someone else said, doesn't win. There is always a chance that he wants to make it up to you and so you can retain the moral high ground by going and hearing him out.
It sounds like he has deliberately muscled in on a friends trip out to me. Is he scared of what you might tell each other?

fedupofnamechanging · 03/09/2011 12:44

I'm another one who thinks you should phone her and tell her everything that happened with her dp.

If he is saying that you should have ditched your sil in favour of your friend, then he is advocating the very behaviour that he is criticising in you, because it wasn't in his favour iyswim. The irony of this appears to be lost on him.

Your friend deserves to know the truth and he will find it hard to twist things if you keep her in the loop from the start.

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