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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your child did this, how would you feel?

55 replies

knittedbreast · 01/09/2011 12:51

lately I have had this awful sensation i might have been doing it all wrong or reading it all wrong.

if when you try and speak to your 5.5 yrs old son and he just smirks or starts laughing at you, how would you feel? would you ignore it and put it down to childishness or a lack of respect that needs to be dealt with?

Tak

OP posts:
Kayano · 01/09/2011 12:53

Lack of respect
My niece didthis and it was not dealt with and
Now she is a very unpleasant older child

Might not be the case all the time but she has no respect
For any authority and treats even serious situations as a joke. She is particularly nasty to her mum

TheMonster · 01/09/2011 12:53

I sometimes put it down to childishness, unless I am telling him off, when I end up holding him firmly so he looks at me.

FigsAndWine · 01/09/2011 12:55

Er...he wouldn't be smirking and laughing by the time I'd finished with him. Hmm

Totally disrespectful and I wouldn't tolerate it at all.

BobMarley · 01/09/2011 12:57

My daughter went through a phase of doing this a few times (she is now 6) and I come down hard on her. Particularly if I was telling her off. She quickly learnt not do it. I found it so disrespectful.

Original poster
knittedbreast · 01/09/2011 12:58

thank you for your honesty.

so what do i do?

if hes smirking its because hes being told off, do i not accept the apology or do i punish the smirking aswell?

and how on earth do i stop it, its a horrible feeling.

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 01/09/2011 12:59

My 5 yo would smirk somethimes when I told him off, so I did what Eeyore and held him and made him look at me. That would upset him, but it made him listen.

I feel horribly guilty for doing that now though, because it turns out he has AS, (he's now 11) and has a real difficulty with eye contact. And genuinely, I don't think he could tell how inappropriate it was to smirk. It makes me feel awful now thinking about it. But tbh I would probably do the same now if I was sure it was just cheek.

Original poster
knittedbreast · 01/09/2011 13:06

any ideas?

OP posts:
Kayano · 01/09/2011 13:09

Well in the case of niece, they saw her smirking but did NOT tell her off fr smirking. I think this contributed to her attitude.

I would def agree that the smirking as well needs to be dealt with, either by increasing punishment and letting Child KNOW it's because they
Smirked or firmly telling off about the smirking

No not just address the first issue an leave them to smirk IMO

SouthernFriedTofu · 01/09/2011 13:11

I only have a 7 month old dd, but when I worked in child care my best "I don't think so" voice combined with a threat which was followed through (EVERYTIME) was what worked best.

anothermum92 · 01/09/2011 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MmeLindor. · 01/09/2011 13:12

DD did this for a while but was firmly told that it was very impolite and disrespectful.

You have to address it now, or he will continue to do this.

youarekidding · 01/09/2011 13:14

My DS avoids eye contact or usually starts to do something - like fiddle with what ever he can reach.

It is nervousness at being told off as he knows he done wrong. I too hold him firmly and say if you can't deal with the consequences don't do wrong in the first place. He is always given a warning so he knows he's doing wrong btw.

Perhaps if he's smirking then put him away from you (time out/ another room/ outside! or whatever you do) and ignore him. It will delay the inevitable and maybe teach him to stop smirking the first time around?

solidgoldbrass · 01/09/2011 13:17

Hmm. Sometimes what looks like smirking is nervousness and indeed guilt (some people laugh when distressed, for instance). If it is nervousness, increasing the harshness of punishments will make the problem worse.
Mind you, when you say you 'try and speak to him' do you mean that he does this when you tell him off? Or every time you speak to him about anything?

RedOnion · 01/09/2011 13:19

My daughter did this for a while at around 6/7 and I stamped on it as fast as I could. It really gets my bloody boiling, she would laugh in my face if I was telling her off Angry.

She was told how rude and disrespectful it was and if she did it then she would lose a treat i.e. fave toy, fave tv programme, not going on trip to playpark etc. She is the type of child that responds to losing privileges (sp?) so it worked for us very quickly. Do stamp on it if you can OP because I too have seen it be ignored in a young child and it results in an teenager that you want to wallop scream at.

RedOnion · 01/09/2011 13:20

(I am assuming OP that you know that it isn't nervousness - I certainly knew with my daughter it was just cheek!)

Original poster
knittedbreast · 01/09/2011 13:20

mmelindor i know. and im really worried. even at school they said we need to sort out his refusal to do as hes told as there wont be as much support in yr 1 to pussyfoot or fluff around him. hel do it if he wants but if he dousnt he he just dousnt. cue every trick in the book " no mummy wait, i need to tell you something.." (always compltey irrelevant and nothing to do with the situation) or why do i always have to do everything? its boring, i dont like it, it takes to long. your not listening to me, the the break down crying fits.

if i need to ask him to behave well cos we are going to the drs, i use my serious but nice voice and he wont look at me, keeps turing away starts laughing. or il be talking to him and he just walks away.

ive tried time out, ive tried throwing toys away, ive tried reasoning, ive tried rewards ive tried working toward a treat.

now he refuses to read, he dousnt want to. he dousnt want to be able to play x anymore becuase hel need to read. he can read, and quite well. now hes refuing to do his home work, or he writes things wrong anf refuses to do them again.

I cant do it anymore, the constant fighting.

Help. Please.

OP posts:
MmeLindor. · 01/09/2011 13:26

Hmm, it sounds like the smirking is not your problem, but the general behaviour.

My son is 7yo and does the ignoring, the huffing, the "I am not listening" and "I am hungry/thirsty/need to tell you something" but I am quite strict with him and don't let him do it.

He has to know that you are the boss, not him.

Is he like this in school?

Original poster
knittedbreast · 01/09/2011 13:28

hi no he wont smirk when we talk normally only when told off and strangely, at bedtime if i satrt telling him how much i love him he starts being all silly, and starts doing the same sort of faces and silly behaviour.

whats infuriating is that when i try and get him to be sensible it all begins, he starts acting up, when i ask why he did x naughty thing when i said not he said he didnt remember, but i know he did cos i literally just said it. he just dousnt listen to anything.

ive really lost control of him sadly, at least it feels that way

OP posts:
Kayano · 01/09/2011 13:30

How about a totally different
Tactic then? He knows if he doesn't
Do something you will fight with him, he knows if he smirks it gets your back up?

Can you act indifferently when he does this for a few days?

Like if he says 'no I won't read!' instead of fightig him just shrug and say 'whatever' and walk off to do your own thing?

If he 'needs to tell you something urgently' you can say 'im not bothered til you do x' and again walk away

By going and panderig to him, and listening to his unrelated
Gossip could that not br making the problem worse?

Might be with a go?

Original poster
knittedbreast · 01/09/2011 13:31

yes but not as severly.

they have said he is stubborn and will only do what he wants. he wont sit still even though he can and dousnt really try. he has a special mat he has to sit on by the teacher to concentrate. but they have warned that in yr1 they dont offer these special concessions and hel need to do what hes told and when. also there will be more school work and home work.

im dreading it

OP posts:
MmeLindor. · 01/09/2011 13:32

Do you listen to him, or do what he wants you to do, when he tries to distract you?

Original poster
knittedbreast · 01/09/2011 13:33

kayano, we did trial this but all that happened was that he didnt have to do anything he didnt want. he kind of got his own way and nothing ever changed around.
he is very perceptive and intelligent and absolutly adorable, but as the teachers have said that wont help him at school

OP posts:
Lizcat · 01/09/2011 13:34

I hope you are seeing that it is quite common behaviour. In our house Princess smarty pants (as she is known in these situations) is given the chance to apologise and then if it is not forth coming she is asked to go to her room and think about her behaviour. It may all happen at a slightly louder volume particularly if I am very tired. She is 7 years old, but we have been using this policy since she was 5.

MmeLindor. · 01/09/2011 13:35

The school seem to be taking a very hard line on this. What do you mean that he can sit still but doesn't try? He is only 5yo, how long can he sit and concentrate for?

Is there anything that he really loves doing?

I find that instead of "If you don't do X then we won't be doing Y" rephrasing it to "Once we have finished doing X, we shall do Y" makes a difference.

FlubbaBubba · 01/09/2011 13:35

Poor you :(

I think kayano's idea of being indifferent is definitely worth a punt.

I wouldn't necessarily use the words "whatever" or "I'm not bothered" (he hardly needs to learn new ways of being rude! Wink), but I would certainly try and act like it doesn't bother you. Works with my DDs when it comes to i.e. eating food - if they say they're not hungry/can't eat anymore, I say it's fine, clear their plates and no more food on offer/pudding etc. They very quickly realise they don't get attention from it and eat up.

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