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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that people should be nicer

39 replies

Theala · 27/08/2011 01:01

A friend of mine and her husband regularly volunteer for a charity that helps handicapped people. Regularly, as in every saturday, some fridays, and a fair few sundays.

Last sunday they were short of people so me and OH went to help out. Some Woman, who accompanied one of the handicapped people, was very very rude to my friend, to the extent where we were actually wondering if she knew we were volunteers or thought that we were getting paid, maybe.

I really really wanted to say to the woman "do you know that we are actually doing this for free so that your child can benefit?". But I didn't. AIBU?

OP posts:
jasper · 27/08/2011 01:03

what did the woman say?

AgentZigzag · 27/08/2011 01:07

I think most people now find saying someone has a disability is more acceptable than saying they're handicapped people Theala.

Original poster
Theala · 27/08/2011 01:18

In France, where I live, they're still 'handicapé' AZ. I'm not very fond of it either but that is the way it is. :o

OP posts:
KatieMiddleton · 27/08/2011 01:21

Oh dear Sad

worraliberty · 27/08/2011 01:25

To be fair....rude is rude no matter whether the person on the receiving end is being paid or not.

I don't really get the point of the thread.

If it's to ask if you were being unreasonable not to say something you really wanted to say to her...then well I don't know if YABU or not.

I suppose it depends on why your didn't say anything?

Birdsgottafly · 27/08/2011 01:27

In the first paragraph you have described her as 'some woman who accompanied' and in the last you have said that she was the mother, which one was it?

It wasn't for you to say anything, you were only there the once, it may have embarrassed your friend.

Thumbwitch · 27/08/2011 01:41

I also don't see why being paid is an issue - even if you were being paid to be there, there's still no excuse for rudeness.

MadamDeathstare · 27/08/2011 01:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 27/08/2011 01:46

In my experience OP voluntary workers get treated horribly and taken for granted on a routine basis. It comes with the territory. When you do voluntary work, you better do it to help people, not to get thanks and praise, because that is few and far between

But how on earth do the public know who is voluntary and who is on a payroll?

PerryCombover · 27/08/2011 01:51

Gosh
the thing about volunteering is that, for sanity, it has to be motivated by the starting point of doing it for yourself... really

if you imagine thanks from the other party it is bound to be a relationship that disappoints.
The person receiving some respite is experiencing a life and experiences you can only imagine and therefore are not often in the best place themselves. The best thing is to be able to give knowing that it is enough that you do so.

It should always be a one way experience.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 27/08/2011 01:52

On the numerous occasions that I have attended charitable events/occasions I assumed that the organisers, master/mistress of ceremonies, special guests etc, give their services for free.

MadamDeathstare · 27/08/2011 01:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 27/08/2011 01:55

Madam- i was answering her question as to whether she should have said anything. As i said her friend was a regular helper so if anything was to be said it should have come from her. That and the fact she is an adult.

Allthough we should all try to be nice, we don't know what the OP classes as being rude. The woman may have been having an off day, or if she is a full time carer, she may have depression, or not slept the previous night, lots really. I am routinely abused in my job both paid and voluntary, but it just passes over me, you learn to ignore.

Birdsgottafly · 27/08/2011 01:58

I also take my youngest to clubs staffed by both volunteers and paid staff and have had to pull people on the patronising way i and her (LD's) have been treated, especially when they are not regular helpers. Just to add i have offered to help when needed at her clubs.

The OP should give details.

SouthernFriedTofu · 27/08/2011 01:58

Suprised by some answers OP yanbu, the fact that you are a volunteer is relevant IMO as if anything people should be appriciative of your friend's help not feel a that service has been paid for. Not that you shoudl be rude to someone you are paying either just of someoen is helping you show some gratitude.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 27/08/2011 02:20

Without knowing what 'very very rude' involves exactly, it's hard to know if YABU or YANBU. What did she say/do?

I just wonder, because after all you say she was accompanying a child and I think you're saying she is the mum ... it may be she spends all her time doing something you've volunteered to do once? I am not at all saying that would meant it was ok for her to be rude, of course. But I do wonder if maybe you accidentally put your foot in it somehow and that's what she was responding to?

acatcalledbob · 27/08/2011 02:22

The translation of "handicapé" is "disabled".

What did she say that was so rude?

I do think that being a mum can be a tough job (as well as rewarding, brilliant etc) and I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have a disabled child. I know that I might be snappy after a particularly bad morning with DD2 and she isn't disabled. I don't think this is about you being paid or not. How about cutting this woman some slack?

I volunteer about 40 hours a month for mums with little ones and yes, some days, they are not as polite because their DC has just been sick on them / had a very leaky nappy / slept for one hour through the night / flushed the TV remote down the toilet - you just have to accept that not everyone is delighted to see you just because you're not getting paid.

Stop judging people and have a think about why you are doing voluntary work.

PerryCombover · 27/08/2011 02:50

Opinion pls

is it okay to say someone is handicapped by their disability? Was filling in a DSA funding form for someone I befriend and she said it and then we had a discussion over how to word it...we went with her original wording as above

Birdsgottafly · 27/08/2011 03:01

Perry- if you are filling in your own form then you are entitled to use whatever language that you want. A professional would never use the term handicapped in the UK. It is more "X is affected by their condition.... on a daily basis, this means that....., They manage this by... or their quality of life would be enhanced if they had....

Birdsgottafly · 27/08/2011 03:02

"impacts" is a term used alot.

Tortington · 27/08/2011 03:19

It's funny, i came across a similar situation today infact when someone was verbally abused.

my opinion is that it doens't mater what setting you are in, whether you are paid or not. you shouldnot suffer verbal abuse.

now i don't know about France, but certainly in the uk the charity should have a policy covering volunteers regarding this

acatcalledbob · 27/08/2011 03:35

I don't think that anyone should suffer verbal abuse but we don't know whether it was or not - we have no idea of what was said, how, or the context. In French, people tend to be much more direct and you have to take the cultural context into account too.

Tortington · 27/08/2011 03:48

we can only know what any op of any post tells us - and it is that which we can only base our opinion.

jasper · 27/08/2011 10:18

OP, in general, yes, people should be nicer.

WilsonFrickett · 27/08/2011 10:23

So it would have been OK for the woman to have been rude if the friend was being paid, but because she was a volunteer she should have been polite? Weird.

It's never OK to be rude, but of course we don't know what the woman said, what her circumstances were, how her day had gone, what was happening with her disabled child at that moment, and of course, was she being rude or just not being sufficiently grateful? Need details pls OP.

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