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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop cooking for H?

31 replies

Runlolarun · 26/08/2011 07:21

last night I was experimenting with a new recipe. I didn't think it was particularly great, but H and DC1 seemed to really enjoy it.
Tonight we had friends over and my husband was trying to ridicule me and my cooking to our friends, by saying how disgusting it had been! (immature showing off! :) )
I know I shouldn't be bothered, especially as I didn't think it was all that good myself, but it really pissed me off that he seemed to just want our guests to laugh at me.
Anyway, AIBU to stop cooking for him for a while? I actually truly detest cooking for him. I love it when he works away and the kids and I can eat quick, wholesome food!
I think I just answered my own question! But humour me and tell me what you all think :)

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 26/08/2011 07:23

I think you should actually talk to him like you're both adults and tell him that he was being horrible and rude and why did he think it was funny to humiliate you in front of friends?

Original poster
Runlolarun · 26/08/2011 07:33

I did tell him it was rude and disrespectful. My children (who do quite often dislike what I cook for them) would never dare to be so rude. They have just been brought up better though :)
I understand what you are saying tortoise, and maybe I am being as petulant and childish as him, but he has annoyed me, and now I don't feel like playing nice.

OP posts:
tryingtoleave · 26/08/2011 07:35

I would just make the food that I liked, for a while, if he makes fun of you when you try to do food he will like. But I am fairly childish.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 26/08/2011 07:36

What did he say when you called him on it? I think not cooking for him isn't a bad idea, if he knows why. I just didn't want you playing games without hm making the connection.

Original poster
Runlolarun · 26/08/2011 07:43

He said I was being over the top. I was! :) but I have a really short shrift with him at the moment! (history:( but this a light-hearted thread so trying not to go there!) it does look like playing games a bit doesn't it? I don't know why this is such an issue to me! I normally just laugh at ridiculous, petulant arses, like him! ;)

OP posts:
Trifle · 26/08/2011 07:49

Why cant you make your dh the 'quick wholesome food' that you do when he's away. I;m not quite understanding the need to make him some fancy type of dinner every night. My dp gets exactly the same as us although his is plated up and left in the micro for him to heat up when he gets in. It may well be pasta or jacket potato but I wouldnt dream of rustling up something 'better' in his honour.

sunshineandbooks · 26/08/2011 07:55

I have no patience with people who think humour is humiliating other people. IME only abusive or manipulative types think it's funny.

I've eaten some truly awful meals cooked by others. I've never made fun of it even to the person who cooked it, let alone humiliated them in front of their friends. I can accept that everyone is different and every relationship is different. In some relationships a little banter between each other about the quality of your cooking might be acceptable, but in front of friends and to make you look stupid is not on.

You say there is 'history'. Light-hearted thread or otherwise, I think it's probably relevant. Making 'jokes' about your partner that are humiliating is a major red flag and I'd be interested to know if there are other behaviours that fit the pattern.

Saying you are 'over-reacting' is another typical response of an abusive personality type when they are called on their bad behaviour.

Also, why does what HE want to eat take preference over what you and the DC like? He's outnumbered so how come his wishes are more important? And for that matter, why is it you who has to cook all the time? Why doesn't HE do any cooking if he's so particular about it all?

He behaved badly and upset you. Don't start thinking it's your fault because you cannot shrug it off or that you over-reacted. If he is a decent person he might still feel privately that you are being OTT but he will accept that HIS behaviour is responsible for upsetting you and therefore he should try to make it up to you.

Original poster
Runlolarun · 26/08/2011 07:56

I don't think it is 'better' :) but he has a MUCH bigger appetite than me and the kids, but sometimes even the sheer enormity of what he eats astounds me, and I do prefer catering to just me and my outrageously polite children Wink

OP posts:
Dozer · 26/08/2011 08:01

How rude of him.

Agree with trifle, just cook what the rest of you like, set him aside a portion for him to have if he wants it. Don't make him huge quantities, if he's hungry he can have something else that he makes himself!

My mum used to go on cooking strike when she was pissed off with the family, normally for things like being ungrateful / not helping etc etc. Was quite effective!

I rarely cook for DH in the week because he is fussy, likes traditional foods and doesn't eat most things that are quick to cook (e.g. pasta, stir-fry, chilli, bolognese etc). Not doing two meals, so he has to fend for himself!

Original poster
Runlolarun · 26/08/2011 08:03

Thank you sunshine, yes banter amongst ourselves is the norm! But I totally agree with you that in front of others is humiliating and unacceptable. I couldn't really put my finger on why it upset me so much, but that is EXACTLY what happened. I will also make it clear to him, that it was this that upset me.
I have to stick up for him in other ways though, he does an awful lot of cooking, and he doesn't really get to dictate what we eat. I just know that the amount I eat wouldn't sustain him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Runlolarun · 26/08/2011 08:07

Dozer, I think I would love him to fend for himself, he is more than capable and we really do like different things. He is also very traditional. Does it cost twice as much though? I also think I had a Rose-tinted view of us all eating together, maybe just for a while!

OP posts:
Original poster
Runlolarun · 26/08/2011 08:14

Actually, thinking about it, it isn't that we have vastly differing appetites, or that we like different things. We compromise. It is just that because he was a disrespectful arse about what I cooked him, I don't think I should even bother for a while!

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 26/08/2011 08:28

What a nasty twat. I really hate people whose idea of humour is sneering and trying to humiliate. (If it's any consolation, your friends will have thought the same, by the way - he will have looked the arse, let me assure you - even if they did manage to raise a laugh). How horrid.

No, I wouldn't cook for him - not for a long while. Don't want to put him in an awkward situation where he feels he has to force himself to eat food that I now know can be horrible for him, do I? :) = extremely passive-aggressive SMILE :)

PhilipJFry · 26/08/2011 08:34

People who try and make themselves look big by putting down those around them, especially their partner, are very sad individuals. I bet your guests were secretly embarrassed that he was doing that to you because it's very transparent behaviour. Everyone can see through it and realise what the person is trying to do- show off and impress at the expense of another.

Original poster
Runlolarun · 26/08/2011 08:37

Hahaha! Yes I can do passive aggressive! Fortunately as we are not in the UK I think the language barrier stopped anyone else fully picking up on his arseholery!

OP posts:
foreverwino · 26/08/2011 08:37

What are the different foods you make for him? I think you need to read Wifework.

ouryve · 26/08/2011 08:47

I don't think the issue here is your cooking. I do think you need to pull him up sharpish about humiliating and belittling you in front of friends like that.

I wouldn't bother cooking different foods for him, anyhow. If you and the kids eat good, healthy food while he's not around, why stress yourself out trying to please him when he's back? Is he this nasty and controlling in other ways? Does he put you down or have you feeling you should run around like a blue arsed fly trying to please him in other respects?

Original poster
Runlolarun · 26/08/2011 08:48

Not really different, just the amount. I am astounded at how much he eats. My weekly shop lasts around 2 days!

OP posts:
Original poster
Runlolarun · 26/08/2011 08:51

You are right ouryve, the issue isn't my cooking, it is totally his response!
Foreverwino, what is wifework?

OP posts:
Rowena8482 · 26/08/2011 11:08

Ooooo is that you Yve? yoohoooooo Tis I Rowena (Soylent Purple is Barney) Grin (sorry threadjack Blush )

scrambedeggs · 26/08/2011 11:13

I actually truly detest cooking for him.

why? why doesnt he eat the same food that you cook for your kids

nocake · 26/08/2011 11:18

I hate it when someone in a couple denigrates their partner in front of me. It shows a complete lack of respect. One of our friends recently berated her husband because he'd used our changing mat to change their DD and she'd peed on the towel that was on it. It wasn't his fault and we didn't mind yet she felt the need to tell him off in front of us.

Don't let this be about your cooking because it's not. It's about him respecting you.

BeStillMyBeatingFart · 26/08/2011 13:30

Sigh!

Honestly ladies, when this stuff happens hit them where it hurts!

"Yes, it was a crappy dinner but it was the only thing that filled me up last night."

There's a response for them all - undercooked, overcooked, lumpy, portion sizes.

Every negative comment about your dinnr you can beat with negative qualities about there performance in the bedroom.

I know it's immature, but it'll make them stop!!

IfoundmyGspot · 26/08/2011 13:35

Its like a typical episode from Butterflys

Ephiny · 26/08/2011 13:39

I would just cook what you want, i.e. what you'd do for yourself and the kids. If he wants something different or more elaborate, he can make it himself. Normally I'd say it's a nice thing to make the effort to cook the things he likes even if they're not your favourite, but if he's going to be so rude about your efforts, then I don't think you owe him any favours!

How did your guests react? I'd have been embarrassed and uncomfortable if I were them, and quite shocked at the H's behaviour.