to dread going on holiday because of my partner's drinking

[LobsterQuadrille]

He says it's my issue because I am a recovering alcoholic, but I am fine with friends drinking around me. It's the levels he drinks at that makes me feel uneasy - as if I never go to bed with the person I started the evening with. I don't know if he's right and I am just being too controlling. And his line is always "it's your issue, not mine and no-one else has ever made me feel uncomfortable about drinking".

shit, I feel sorry for you. My soon to be ex does the the same. if you feel uncomfortable then it's for a reason. What is he like when drunk?

Thank you for your reply. He's OK intially - then very unfunny and loud and thinks he's very amusing - then it just gets boring; it's like being with someone else that I didn't choose to be with. Then he goes to sleep. He does have a temper but it's not a "when drunk" temper.

I don't really know what normal drinking levels are!

When you met, did you both drink?

How long have you been teetotal?

I find it really annoying when my husband is pissed and I am sober, and am less tolerant of him than I would be if it were just my friends who were drunk.

If I am having a drink too, I dont notice it in the same way.

It sounds like you have a problem with his behaviour, not his drinking -- I mean, imagine he didn't drink at all, yet still ended up each evening being really unfunny and loud and boring. You'd complain, right? So why is it okay just because he drinks?

If he was with someone who drank the same way, it's true, maybe they wouldn't care how he acts. But that doesn't mean you're wrong or mad to not like it.

How long have you been together? Are you happy at all in the relationship?

i feel for you OP, i have taken to either not going to OHs work dos or not drinking there. Its amazing how boring and unfunny drunk people are when you are the sober one

i cant be doing with it

We have been together two and a half years and I have been totally sober for a year. We live 80 miles apart so I controlled my hideous drinking so that he never knew how bad it was. I was scared to tell him in case he left me. Ironically when we first met I thought it would be OK as he had a problem too.

You're absolutely right about being Ok if you're all drinking at the same rate - just now I am out of sync. But if it's my best friend - she only drinks once or twice a week so it seems OK - but then AIBU because that's just MY view that once or twice a week is OK - my partner drinks a lot every night and that is OK for him, as he says.

Maybe it is just me.

"He's OK intially - then very unfunny and loud and thinks he's very amusing - then it just gets boring; "

This is more or less how all drunk people are when you're sober, I think. :)

It's hard to say if you're being unreasonable about his drinking without knowing how much he's drinking; however I'm concerned that he's not giving you much support as a recovering alcoholic. Did you give up drink before or after you got with him, can I ask?

Dreamingbohemian .....yes, you're right; it is his behaviour in general I suppose. But yes, I am happy in some ways. I think I was pathetically grateful for him putting up with me for the first year and a half, and being terrified he's find out (I was what they call a functioning alcoholic) and now it's becoming apparent that he is a bit controlling and a bit of a bully.

Theala - I gave up drinking after I was with him, ironically because I thought if he found out the truth that he would leave me - so he has done me this massive favour really, anyway. So as he really didn't know it was a big issue, he couldn't have been expected to be that supportive. He did drive me to the hypnotist - which was a damned long way - even though he thought it was all a bit mad.

Sorry, x-posted OP.

Drinking a lot every night is Not Good. And you're right, he does have a problem too, but is obviously not willing to admit it. I think it might be quite dangerous for you, as an recovering alcoholic, to be with someone who has a problem with drink and won't admit it. TBH, I think you should cut your losses for the sake of your health and sanity.

sighs
Thank you - I actually joined MN yesterday to ask about this .... there is a quote, isn't there, about advice being what you ask for when you know the answer but wish you didn't.
I shall still have to go on holiday though. And I do agree with you about not liking being lose to alcohol, but I have been close to it for the last year and not been a tiny bit tempted once. Too much to lose to go back to the dark place.

I agree it sounds as if his behaviour is a problem.

However: if his drinking were the issue, and it were because you're a recovering alcoholic - that would be fine. The fact that he's saying 'it's because you're a recovering alcoholic' is a bit crap. I'm a recovering alcoholic and I do expect my DH to take that into account when he drinks. Because, you know, he chose to be with me and that's some of the baggage I come with.

Well done on one year sober. perhaps this holiday will be make-or-break for you guys?

LRDTFD - I have friends whose DH's are the same - they kind of work out what is OK for both of them. My partner doesn't see it like that but, again, I was not truthful with him early on. You don't start seeing someone and admit to DTs and seizures on occasion. And it was that bad - and I think in some ways I feel like I don't deserve anything better.

And thank you CalmaLlama - and yes, you may well be right.

But you do deserve better.

Btw, I see you are a newbie - there is a lovely, very long-running and supportive thread called 'Brave babes' in the Relationships section. They helped me a lot - though I find a bit rude saying so to you as you've been sober longer than me!

I don't think you and your DP have to drink in the same way - but he should recognize that certain drinking behaviours of his will affect you. Just in the same way that, if I were with someone who violently hates the smell of tinned tuna, or blackcurrants, I would try not to wave them under his nose! The fact that your DP won't moderate his behaviour despite knowing this is something that could help you, that to me is a warning sign: either he isn't a very nice or considerate person, or he knows he's drinking too much and is in denial.

LRDTheFeministDragon "I'm a recovering alcoholic and I do expect my DH to take that into account when he drinks. "

Likewise, I used to be a heavy smoker, and I gave up recently after a massive health scare; DP still smokes quite a bit, but he would kill me if I started smoking again and he has adapted his addiction accordingly (doesn't smoke in the house etc.).

TBH, as a former addict myself, I can't blame someone for being addicted to something. I can be f*ed off with them for not supporting me, or for trying to make me feel bad about getting over my addiction, however.

Here we are:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1275653-The-Brave-Babes-Battle-Bus-Heres-To-STAYING-On-A-Sober-Holiday

It's a really supportive thread - great if you want to bounce ideas off lots of other people who are/have been problem drinkers and get some sense of how they deal with things. I think there's nothing the regulars there haven't seen!

theala - yes, exactly.

Feminist Dragon, thank you for the recommendation. Actually ..... the drinking is only really a small part. I think it's his behaviour in general that I am pretty fed up with, but he wants it to be just his drinking because then I am easily to "blame" because it has been my problem. I think putting this in words has helped that, stupid though it sounds.

Being sober - I tried EVERYTHING. Even had a few stalkers from AA, plus a story (yellow card my arse) sold to a newspaper - so did some research and found a hypnotist. But at that stage it was desperation so probably what works for people is the timing rather than a "thing" itself.

OK, thank you very much, I will lurk on it for a while!

My brother doesn't drink a lot, but what he does drink seems to turn on his 'I'm a total prick' button. His gf has recently given up drinking completely, and is slightly evangelical and intolerant of anyone who's under the influence. Its not a good combination.

My brother doesn't have a drinking problem, although it doesn't 'suit' him (whereas I know people who drink far more but are actually nicer after a drink) and his gf isn't wrong.... its very difficult.

I don't have an answer really, but I don't think either of you are wrong. I was a barmaid for years, and people generally become annoying to any sober person when they've had a drink, though they're not always doing anything wrong.

Ah, sorry ... I tend to be over-enthusiastic recommending them as they helped me so much!

I do see the issue isn't just drinking though.

Aldiwhore - I don't have a problem with what I think of as normal drinking. Maybe a couple of nights a week. My partner drinks every lunchtime (unless working) and at least a bottle of wine a night, and whisky. But to him this IS normal, he has always done it, and he will not allow me to what he would call "control" him. I am around people who drink, and would hate it if they moderated their behaviour. So maybe the problem is within me - but just with him.

But yes, I agree, some people don't suit drink.

You know what? It sounds to me like you got with him initially because you could both have a good time getting drunk together and having 'fun' etc, but now that you're sober, you're starting to realise that he's a bit f**king dull and doesn't have much going for him other than the fact that he drinks a lot.

Forgive me if I'm way out of line here, but why are you still with him?

Well - he says I am generally an intolerant person and that this is just one example. It's very hard to be objective. No-one else has really ever said I am intolerant aside from specific things.