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AIBU?

to dread going on holiday because of my partner's drinking

49 replies

LobsterQuadrille · 24/08/2011 19:53

He says it's my issue because I am a recovering alcoholic, but I am fine with friends drinking around me. It's the levels he drinks at that makes me feel uneasy - as if I never go to bed with the person I started the evening with. I don't know if he's right and I am just being too controlling. And his line is always "it's your issue, not mine and no-one else has ever made me feel uncomfortable about drinking".

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OTheHugeRaveningWolef · 25/08/2011 10:57

Welcome to MN, Lobster.

Sorry, but your partner sounds like a prize twat. Controlling, hystrionic, bullying and alcoholic. I'd back out of the holiday - and the relationship - as soon as is humanly possible.

dreamingbohemian · 25/08/2011 09:54

Oh Lobster. Please just bin him. You're not allowed to text him???

This relationship sounds so unhealthy in so many ways and he sounds completely unreasonable about so many things. And your daughter hates him, with good reason it sounds like, she loves you and he is not treating you well.

Your confidence and self-esteem will come back if you bin him. You would be better off getting some therapy and starting anew rather than trying to twist this mess into some kind of functional relationship -- because I'm sorry to be blunt, but that is never, never going to happen.

Your daughter might be upset about missing the holiday, but I'm sure she would get over it pretty quickly if she knew she would never have to see your partner again.

I think you are being really hard on yourself. Whatever mistakes you have made in the past, you don't deserve to be treated like this. You deserve happiness just like everyone else, don't sell yourself short.

LobsterQuadrille · 25/08/2011 07:20

Thank you so very much. I have read the whole of this again this morning. I realise now that I made a mistake agreeing to go on holiday. DD was pleading to go somewhere and my partner (not sure of acronym) immediately went ahead and booked it. And I like this trait of getting things done, so I don't mean that to sound as if he took over. I have no idea what tour operator he has used; I have just paid him half. It suited me at the time and seemed to make everyone happy.

I totally understand why I am being given this advice but I am unlikely to back out of going away; I don't want to lie. It was always, for me, meant to be a "can I do this for the rest of my life" - as CalmerLlama says above, make or break. He, DD and I have never been away together and his drinking is always better if DD is around too. But I do take the point about emotional abuse and DD and I don't want to set her a worse example of men than I already have. My own father didn't speak to me for some years after my ex walked out because he felt it must have been my fault. So I guess I do have baggage.

Above all I am conscious that what I am presenting is one side of a story. It is factually true but is obviously loaded with my interpretation and my own perspective. That was what drew me to the "AIBU" in the first place.

Anyway he is coming over for dinner tonight. He doesn't like the town where I live so will only come over during the week and prefers me to go to him at weekends. This is not always convenient and I have reduced visits recently. He has also forbidden me from texting him because apparently some of my texts have upset him in the past. Oh. And his only son, who is a bit younger than me, has not spoken to him for many years; I am not sure why.

It is quite liberating writing this down. Now I am off to work. Why I can't conduct this personal relationship with the same confidence that I do my job is a mystery to me.

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Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 25/08/2011 06:23

Lobster, you sound lovely, I hope you stick around.

Your daughter hates your partner not just because he's an interloper, but because he screams abuse at you and then tells you it's your fault, and you've lost your confidence since starting to see him (you said that no-one else has ever called you unreasonable, and yet you're wondering if he's right?).

Please DO NOT go on this holiday. Cut your losses, think of it as a good investment in your happiness to get rid of him, and take DD on a cheap beach jaunt instead.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 24/08/2011 23:34

You know I meant YANBU, don't you?

LobsterQuadrille · 24/08/2011 22:12

Dear Dozer, you are right. My joining MN yesterday and posting today was just my way of .... admitting all this, because I haven't talked about it or at least not recently. I do more listening than talking in real life, and lots of my friends have problems and it's been a way of ignoring mine, to talk about everyone else's.

Thank you again. I will be back.

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Dozer · 24/08/2011 22:09

If he has paid, don't go. Dd will be far, far happier with no holiday and no horrible drunken man.

Dozer · 24/08/2011 22:09

Who has paid for the holiday?

If you, or you have shared it, then go anyway, but ask him not to come. If he insists on coming, ring the travel company, explain the circumstances and see if they can move you and dd to different accommodation or even resort (if abroad).

Dozer · 24/08/2011 22:07

OP, I'm sorry to say that this is a really obvious case of

RUN FOR THE HILLS!

From the information you've provided he is an emotionally abusive alcoholic. You are in recovery and should not be with an emotionally abusive alcoholic. Your DD should not have to be around someone who drinks and behaves like he does or see you be treated like this.

Please bin him, as soon as you can.

LobsterQuadrille · 24/08/2011 21:55

No, he wouldn't encourage me to drink. No, it isn't our first holiday - but we have only had one other which in my view was pretty bad. I had one drink the night before we left - without him - as a result he wouldn't speak to me for the first couple of days, then proceeded to drink very heavily all holiday, and asked how many other men I had traumatised with my appallin g behaviour.

The holiday is not just us. It is my 13 year old daughter too. She has been through a lot. Her father left when she was two and has not been seen since. I have stayed away from men for pretty much all that time. I have been buried in work, her and I guess the bottle when I could be. I am sorry, that slounds terrible. She (DD) hates my partner, but mainly because she sees us as being a unit and that we don't need anyone else. She is so looking forward to going away this weekend and has been planning it for ages. I work loong hours.

This is I hope factual and long in the slightest bit self pitiful. I would hate it to sound like that. Things do happen, and they work out in the end if you want them to.

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dreamingbohemian · 24/08/2011 21:49

Do you have to go on the holiday?

If you're pretty sure you'll be annoyed by his behaviour, and the relationship is not looking good overall anyway, why torture yourself?

Go take a spa holiday on your own instead

squeakytoy · 24/08/2011 21:49

I would say you are a completely different person now to the one who found him attractive in the first place. You have turned your life around, but he is still the same.

I hate to say it, but I dont think this is the right relationship for you.

If you still live 80miles apart, I think it would be wise to keep that distance between you.

Will this be the first holiday you have gone on together? If so, then I expect it will become make or break time as he is likely to drink even more while in "holiday mode", and possibly try to cajole you into having a drink too if he is not aware of the full extent of your previous addiction.

LobsterQuadrille · 24/08/2011 21:43

Oh, I will.

And I also know that when I am calm and rational, it all seems so easy. When he is talking me into things, I am invariably in the wrong (in my mind)and the poised professional woman becomes a completely insecure wreck.

And I still have the holiday to get through.

I have been lurking though. Some of these subjects (and the posters) are brilliant.

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dreamingbohemian · 24/08/2011 21:42

Good luck Lobster. Try not to doubt yourself. It doesn't really matter if you are being unreasonable, if you are not happy you have no obligation to stay in any situation you don't like.

You're not being unreasonable though!

Theala · 24/08/2011 21:35

Come back and tell us how you're going, eh?

LobsterQuadrille · 24/08/2011 21:12

Thank you all very much.

I think I knew this. I needed some affirmation.

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Theala · 24/08/2011 21:09

You're really, really not. I don't even know you, but I would still wager my first born son on the fact that you're not really unreasonable, and that he's an arsehole.

I don't know how more clearly I can say this... it's not you, it's him. Pick yourself up and get on with your life.

:whisperedsecret: it's going to be much better with him not in it.

LobsterQuadrille · 24/08/2011 21:02

But .... what if I really am hideously unreasonable?!

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Theala · 24/08/2011 20:58

"He looks after me ..... when he is speaking to me. He is given to grand declarations of passion followed by massive fits of temper and then silences, but then he explains these by saying it was my fault."

LQ, please please please don't take this wrong, but... he's being a fucking asshole. He's not lovely, he's a twat. You are being so brave and so strong and so calm about all this; he really doesn't deserve you.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 24/08/2011 20:53

Welcome to MN

I think you are answering all your own questions

LobsterQuadrille · 24/08/2011 20:50

I feel like I am being unfair now. He has done a lot for me and been really lovely. Maybe I feel guilty because now I am different, but it's not fair to him for me to be different, because he didn't know how badly I needed to change.

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LobsterQuadrille · 24/08/2011 20:49

He looks after me ..... when he is speaking to me. He is given to grand declarations of passion followed by massive fits of temper and then silences, but then he explains these by saying it was my fault. And I tend to believe him, I suppose. It's a bit like my father all over again - comfort level I suppose.

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Theala · 24/08/2011 20:46

So what do you actually like about him? About him as a person?

LobsterQuadrille · 24/08/2011 20:46

Theala ...... you're not out of line at all. I have no idea. It is really pathetic to say low self esteem on a personal level, and no relationship of any sort really with my own father (my partner is 20 years older than I am)?

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LobsterQuadrille · 24/08/2011 20:44

Well - he says I am generally an intolerant person and that this is just one example. It's very hard to be objective. No-one else has really ever said I am intolerant aside from specific things.

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