To NOT take my ds to buy a tent

[Claw3]

I have 3 ds's one almost 18 years old, 15 year old and a 7 year old who has ASD.

My almost 18 year old is going to Reading festival on Saturday and has asked me to go with him tomorrow to buy his tent.

Anyway the back story is ds is lazy and i think the only reason he has asked me to go with him, is so that he doesnt have to get the bus. He says that all i do is moan at him, which is true, lately i dont seem to do anything but moan at him.

For example i went to visit my parents at the weekend and took my other 2 ds's with me (my two older ds's had literally just got back from a 2 week holiday with their father). Ds 18, stayed at home to look after the pets, 2 of which are kittens. I left him a list of when to feed the pets, empty the litter tray once a day etc and also told him before i went.

When i got home the house stunk of cat wee and shit. The kittens had shat on his bed and on a pile of clothes he had left on the floor in his bedroom. He had not emptied their litter tray for the 3 days i was gone because he "didnt realise he had to". Obviously i moaned at him.

Another example, he dropped out of his A levels because he couldnt get up in the morning (he has now enrolled on another course)

Admittedly i do seem to be constantly moaning at him about tidying up after himself etc if i didnt he wouldnt bother.

So should i see this taking him to buy a tent, as a bit of mother - son time, as we dont do much together anymore because of his age or this is just another example of him being lazy?

Take him on the bus - as long of course as you don't end up paying for it.......

He could probably buy you a nice coffee while you're out to make up for not looking after the cats....

Yes, take him on the bus. Ha

I bought Gothson a tent once (he sounds much like your DS) and he never brought it home again, just abandoned it, and all his other gear - sleeping bag, blanket etc etc because he was too lazy to break camp... he is my failure in the parenting stakes though - I still wonder where I went wrong with him sometimes (long long long story). Luckily my other offspring seem to be making up for him so far!

I wouldnt be able to take him on the bus because ds 7 with ASD would have to come with us, although i love the idea!

Going to buy the tent with him, seems like an opportunity to break the moaning cycle, but i dont want to pander to his laziness.

Honestly, he really does bring a whole new level to the word lazy!

Rowena, i wont be paying for the tent, he will out of his own money (early 18th birthday present from his nan) although him just leaving it there, rather than being bothered to pack it up, wouldnt surprise me!

My ds 7 with ASD can grasp concepts which my 18 year old needs to be reminded off, such as flushing the toilet after yourself, putting a plate in the dishwasher after you use it etc, etc.

Im moaning again arent I

Take him!!
He's 18!!!
He's just starting out properly in life isn't completely sure what he wants to do (who ever does?)

I think you should go and spend some good attention talk about who he's looking forward to watching at reading etc.

Every child is different, no child is perfect and if he's not breaking the law what is the problem.

He has to clear up the mess the kittens made in his bedroom though (thats disgusting)

AandK, he is a good kid apart from the laziness and i suppose a bit of selfishness too.

On one hand, i dont want to encourage this, he needs to learn to be independent and that i am not here for his convenience.

the other hand i dont want our relationship to break down because he 'feels' that i do nothing but moan at him (whether my moaning is warranted or not is another thing)

I don't think boys ever become independant going off my uncle and my brother.

I just think the laziness is down to his age.
When I was in my late teens early 20's I lived in a shared house with 4 other friends some were students some worked some were neurotic cleaners, others never washed a dish!!

Everyone is different and there's nothing wrong with being lazy at such a young age if he was 25 then it might be different.

He probably just wants your advice on the best tent to buy for him. If its likely he'll leave it convince him to get a cheap one :)

My DS is almost 17 and going to Reading, too. I sometimes feel like this as he keeps his own room very tidy, but doesn't want to tidy up after himself after he has a snack, etc.

Then I have to remind myself that he probably won't be staying with me for very many more years so I should take all the hugs and mother-son time as much as I can.

I would say go with him, especially if you're not paying for the tent.

DS has also said he's probably going to leave everything there so won't take the little stove I have as he says, quite rightly, that I would be upset if he didn't bring it back. He says he won't enjoy himself if he has to think about the things he has to bring back with him. He's also saying that he doesn't have much money. I said buy a tin of something every day and cook it on the little stove. No, says he, that's too much bother.

His friends went to V with £100 and came back with 50p. Plain burgers were £5.00!

Tell him you'll take him if he's ready to go by 9am. Otherwise he'll have to go on his own.

AandK, this morning is another exampe of what ds classes as my 'moaning' at him.

He woke up early and is in his bedroom, with his headphones on singing. I was awake, but other two ds's were still sleeping. So i say to him that his brothers are still sleeping, so could he stop. By the time i get downstairs he has started again, which results in me going back upstairs and repeating myself, to which he says 'all i do is moan'

He doesnt flush the toilet after himself, which results in me telling him to.

He doesnt wash the bath out after himself, which results in me telling him to.

He doesnt put the towels he has used back in the bathroom, which results in me telling him to.

He doesnt clear up after himself, which results in me telling him to.

I dont care what he does in his bedroom, if he doesnt want to make his bed or has a pile of clothes on the floor, cups, plates etc, etc.

I do care when he does it around the rest of the house, as it means if he doesnt do it, someone else has to do it for him ie me!

So i suppose what i am asking is when do i say, enough is enough. He wants the convenience of a lift to buy a tent.

I am still a bit pissed off at the not bothering to change the cat litter! so wasnt so sure of my logic. I suppose i am the adult and should use the buying of the tent to my advantage and spend some time with him.

Ilovejudge, yes surprising enough, his room is the only room that i dont mind if he makes a mess, but he keeps it tidy too!

Your ds is going to Reading too, 2 teenagers who will starve because they 'cant be bothered' then They probably wont even bother putting their tents up!

Well, my DS has a bit of a problem as he doesn't have very much cash atm. We will lend him £50, but not £100 which seems what most are taking. If he's only got £50 he won't be able to afford to buy burgers all the time.

I've said that he will feel better if he has one hot "meal" a day - either chips or a McD/Burger King, etc. There is a Tesco just outside the gate, I gather and that's where he and friends are going to buy stuff, I think, as you can come and go as you please.

He's going Thursday afternoon. I don't know what bags he's thinking of taking, or anything, in fact. I have said he can take an old picnic rug which will double up as something extra in case it's cold when he's sleeping, something to sleep on and something to sit on if he folds it up.

He's buying some v cheap T-shirts today. I saw online that Asda were selling V-neck ones for £1, so I hope that some are still in stock. He's a bit of a designer tart, so is finding this hard. He's also getting some wellingtons as he knows that all his friends are taking them and some v cheap shorts. I've got a couple of poundshop plastic bag cagoule-type things that he's also taking and one fleece/hoodie. It's all going to be stuff that it doesn't matter what happens to it, but I will still be cross if he just leaves it there.

It now turns out that someone else will be taking a tent so that's a weight off my mind. I really don't get the mindset of just leaving everything there as you can't be bothered to pack it back up!

He was meant to be emptying the dishwasher this morning. I went to put something in there and he's only emptied the bottom part. There is also meant to be a rota for chores - washing-up, laying the table, sorting out the guinea pigs, etc, but this holiday he's only done about 10% of his allocated days. I am getting a bit fed up with this, actually.

But despite all this, I will still do things for him and bite my tongue as on the whole I have a good relationship with him - he tells me lots of what is going on in his life and I don't want that to stop. I think that's what you've got to hold on to and kid yourself it outweighs all the other stuff!

DD (who is 6!!!) forgets to flush the toilet, she gets fined a penny a time (Her pocket money which she earns is £1)She wasn't listening to the moans so we gave her a consequence instead. Now we don't debate it's just x there is poo in the toilet" " oops i forgot" " "1p please".

I realise there is a MASSIVE age difference but rather than the moan which goes in one ear and out the other maybe some consequences for his behaviour would be more appropriate.

its not just boys my 20 year old stepdaughter lives with us, her bedroom should be condemmed its that much of a mess, goes to sleep with the bloody telly on and i have to go in and switch it off she dumps any dishes, plates, cups, glasses she has used in the sink for the washing up fairy to sort out, wouldnt know what to do with the hoover if you gave her step by step instructions, has actually broken the washing machine jamming it with washing up to the hilts, and guess who had to pay for a new one yep us, and her dad treats her like his little princess and dosent say anything (he has got aspergers though so confrontation is not on his agenda) i have given up going on and on about her slovenly ways her only saving grace is she does go to work full time so is not under my feet

Ilovejudge, ds has £100 (again early advance from Nan on birthday money) but apparently one of his friends is only taking £30, im sure they will survive. Ds was telling me about the Tesco and apparently there are no showers or washing facilities there, they have to use the local swimming pool facilities about 30 minutes away!

Wellingtons is something that he hasnt got yet and a cheap raincoat, he has added these to his list, for when we go out take him tomorrow. He has reserved a tent from Argos, there are 4 of them going and they are all having their own tents. Should be fun trying to put them up!

Ds is a designer tart too, im surprised he even wants to camp and all the things that go with it! I have warned him that if he takes designer clothes they will probably be stolen from his tent or knowing him, once he leaves the tent he will never be able to find it again!

We dont have rota's, i try to keep it simple the rule is everyone tidies up after themselves. Everyone does their own ironing etc, perhaps i need a rota!

We do have a good relationship, well as good as it gets at age 18 i suppose! We can talk about everything, even his friends ask me for advice from fake tans to what do girls like in boys, apparently 'im a bit like a counsellor, so they can talk to me about anything' they do make me laugh!

Hope your ds has a great time and you and I can do all the worrying

Doris, he is a bit too old for consequences, other than natural ones of course, he is almost a man, he will soon be able to vote, drink, get married etc, etc.

I prefer to wait until he is half way through a game on his playstation before i 'remind' him to go and flush the toilet NOW, im hoping it causes him inconvenience, so it has to be easier for him just to flush while he is there

Issey Despite being lazy and a bit selfish at times, ds does have lots of good qualities, he is kind and affectionate, has a great sense of humour, he will babysit for a few hours if needed and his brother has ASD. He will even look after the pets, so i can visit my parents, albeit very badly!! Im sure your SD has some good qualities too, even if it doesnt feel like it sometimes

yes claw3 your right she can be nice and her younger brother has aspergers too and most of the time she does treat him right, just stressed at the moment with dad and him being as bad as each other, she wasnt brought up in a tidy clean house so dosent know any better, but keep repeating dont do this do that makes me sound like a right nag, all i want to do is live in a clean house and i get fed up of constantly picking up the dropped stuff and them taking the piss out of thier dad hes too soft on her especially

i would take him.

i keep reminding myself that i should model the behaviour i want my kids to copy.
so, doing a kind turn to someone even when they've been a bit of an idiot is a good thing to model.

Tricky one, I'd be tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt I think.

Although if you leave it all up to him he may well learn how to look after himself if he's not bothered packing the right stuff!

Issey, it is stressful when you have children with ASD and even adults with ASD too i suppose. Must be very frustrating for you, i know it is for me sometimes! It is hard to think positive all the time and a good old moan about the kids, dp/dh is sometimes needed, it does help

Why on earth are you giving young people money to go to festivals?? If they can't afford to eat, too fucking bad. They afforded the extortionate ticket, didn't they?

As far as the general laziness goes, stop being such wusses. Pick up all the rest of the shit that would otherwise go not-picked-up and keep putting it in their rooms. This includes: washing up, cat litter trays, unwashed parents' pants, anything with infant poo/sick/snot on.... I give it a week, tops.

I'm not saying this because we are parents and our word is law; this is a stance friends and I took (many, many years ago) with college house-mates who didn't pull their weight. It didn't take many episodes of them coming home to find the entire (dirty) contents of the kitchen in their bedroom for them to get the message.

STEP UP LADIES!! You are doing them no favours.

Why dont you say - you will go with him to help him get his tent, but after that you want him to help you in a different shop, or go get some lunch together. That way you will know it is about spending time with you not just for a lift there and back.

Shouty Im not giving ds money to go, as i said its an advance on his birthday money from his Nan. So Reading is a 18th birthday present from his Nan, otherwise he/I wouldnt have been able to afford it. I also try to remember that i was young once and would rather have starved and spent what money i did have on clothes or something similarly unappropriate, i would never do that now.

There was no need to put the cat litter tray in his room, the kittens shat all over his quilt and his clothes, natural consequences are often so much better than enforced ones.

Ds has to clear up after himself, not doing it isnt an option although admittedly putting it in his room, rather than nagging at him until he does it, is probably a better idea. Although if i take that stance, there is nothing to stop him refusing to babysit etc.

Smug unfortunately i will have ds 7 who has ASD with me, so lunch is out of the question, so is leisurely shopping. We might be able to grab a quick cup of something though, depending on how well behaved ds 7 is.

Ahh sorry Claw, I didnt read that bit. Yes I wouldnt want to go anywhere near any shops with my DS (also ASD). very brave to be considering it at all, although you have a lot more practice than me as DS is younger.

Hope you come to a mutually acceptable agreement!