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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disgusted and kick H out for this?

45 replies

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 21/08/2011 02:19

H has been drinking what I consider to be a lot lately, he won't acknowledge it's a problem. He goes through over a bottle of vodka per week over 3 or 4 nights.
A couple of weeks ago a caught him "trying to climb out the window" in the middle of the night when questioned he said he wasn't trying to climb out but to pee out of it, and going to the toilet would have woken me Confused we live in a townhouse and window in question takes him to the roof, v dangerous!
Tonight I awoke again to see H standing by the radiator in our room pissing when I asked what the fuck he was doing he told me he was peeing, so he wasn't sleep walking! When I complained he said it was just a little and doesn't count as urine as was barely in his system 15 mins!
He then proceeded to go to bed leaving me to scrub/soak the pee up with a towel.

AIBU to tell him in the morning that he stops drinking in the morning or finds somewhere else to live?

I now can't sleep and my blood is boiling!

OP posts:
Original poster
EdwardorEricCantDecide · 21/08/2011 02:19

Sorry about such a long OP Blush

OP posts:
MoominsAreScary · 21/08/2011 02:23

I used to go out with someone like this, drove me mad! Have serious words with him in the morning

DecapitatedLegoman · 21/08/2011 02:24

YANBU. Not even a teeny bit. He needs to get help but until then it is not ok to piss on your carpets. a teeny bit. He needs to get help but until then it is not ok to piss on your carpets.

snippywoo2 · 21/08/2011 02:42

A bottle of vodka contains on average 26 units of alcohol, the recommended amount for a man is 21 units a week so hes not exactly over indulging unless the over a bottle means quite a lot more. Seems like its not the quantity 'as in excessive like he's on the verve of being an alcoholic' its what the amount he drinks does to him. I would have words, tell him its not acceptable.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 21/08/2011 02:45

You have every right to be angry, but now is not the time for you to make a binding decision about kicking your h out of the house.

If you exchange a few bitter words in the morning I would suggest you avoid issuing any ultimatum and, when you are feeling calm, sit down with your h and discuss why he is drinking so much.

Does he feel under pressure at work? Is there something or some event that has upset him?

Is he willing to seek help to explore the underlying reasons why he's hitting the bottle regularly, and is he willing to confine his drinking to social occasions in the meantime?

It seems that he is fully capable of controlling his bladder and is performing this act while he is conscious of what he his doing. Does he recognise that, given the circumstances, pissing anywhere other than in a toilet is disgusting behaviour and that you are entirely in the right to be angered and repelled by his actions?

Once you have the answers to these questions, you'll be better placed to make an informed decision about the future of your marriage.

Original poster
EdwardorEricCantDecide · 21/08/2011 02:45

He drinks a bottle and a quarter bottle over 2 or 3 nights so he'll have about half a bottle every Friday or Saturday night plus the Q bottle whenever the weekday football game is on.
He sees it as he is entitled to drink when he wants, and generally refuses to go without drink at the weekend no matter wether it coincides with plans or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
EdwardorEricCantDecide · 21/08/2011 02:54

He has depression.
He was diagnosed in February and is on meds for this.
He is self employed but not anything "high pressure" he's not the sole earner and I brig in as much money as he does tbh.
He developed an "entitled" attitude in December he always had this but not quite as bad, he was smoking cannabis in December and I recently found out he's been doing this in secret for past 6months (I told him to stop in Dec) he started smoking cigarettes around the same time again something I despise!

He also did the pissing on the floor thing whilst on holiday although that time he claimed he thought he was in the loo and couldn't remember it by morning.

Anytime I challenge him about drinking/smoking/gambling etc I'm told "that's what I enjoy doing so I'll do it!"

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 21/08/2011 03:37

As you've already got the answers it seems that your choice is to either let him continue to 'enjoy doing' what he's doing in your shared home, or tell him to 'enjoy' his pursuits elsewhere.

Do you have any dc?

Original poster
EdwardorEricCantDecide · 21/08/2011 03:43

Yes DS is 2.5 and DD will be born in 8 weeks approx.

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 21/08/2011 03:50

"He developed an "entitled" attitude in December he always had this but not quite as bad" It's shame that you didn't act earlier to check his sense of entitlement.

He's taking the piss in more ways than one; do you think that telling him to leave may give him the wake-up call he needs to get his act together and be a proper partner to you and father to your dc?

If he leaves, do you have sufficient support around to help you cope with life as a single parent?

Original poster
EdwardorEricCantDecide · 21/08/2011 04:02

Yes both sets of GPs are great, financially I would be worried but I think H would pay maintenance etc
Tbh I'm really hoping that he can see I'm at the end of my tether and do something about it, I really don't want to break up the family and DS would be heartbroken not to see his dad every day.

There have been other probs in the marriage, and I used to actually think my life would be better single, as I currently have no social life at all. But I'm now worried that if we were to split I dont trust him on his own with dc as I dont think having dc overnight would stop him drinking etc.

I really don't know what to do.
I can't sleep as my head is spinning and I know I'm going to be exhausted in the morning. Sad

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 21/08/2011 04:09

I know how hard it is when your brain's going overtime but, if possible, replace your current throughts with something lovely and soothing - take yourself off to palm-fringed tropical beach and feel the sunshine on your body before you drift off to sleep on the white sand.

Come back later today, or whenever you have time, as there'll be more m/netters around who will have experienced what you're going through and may be able to impart some valuable advice.

Your mantra until you wake up is 'there's nothing I can do about it now'.

I hope you'll at least be able to get a lie in and I wish you sweet dreams.

Original poster
EdwardorEricCantDecide · 21/08/2011 04:19

Tbh with the hangover he's bound to have I don't want the lie in, that would be punishing DS.
Thanks for listening tonight.

OP posts:
iscream · 21/08/2011 05:07

Don't know how it works, as I am not in the UK, but my ex sil (alcoholic) was not allowed visitation if there was any alcohol in the house. (My brother had sole custody) check into that?

JoyceBarnaby · 21/08/2011 05:36

With two children, one of whom is only 8 weeks, he should be looking after you and I'm so sorry he's not. It must be very hard on you dealing with his behaviour at this time.

However, if he's been diagnosed with depression and you genuinely think he has a problem with drugs of any sort and alcohol, then it sounds to me like he needs help, too. Obviously, your priority is you and the children (especially with concerns over safety) but it sounds to me like he needs someone to care for his welfare.

Melly20MummyToPoppy · 21/08/2011 06:19

joyce, the baby isn't born yet. OP said that DD will be born in 8 weeks.

I don't think yabu. He needs to sort himself out big time! Surely it's not good for him to consume this much alcohol while on meds for depression!?

ZonkedOut · 21/08/2011 06:27

Did anything happen in December to trigger this?

It sounds as if he is very selfish, and doesn't realise that being a parent (and a good partner) is largely about putting someone else's needs first. Or at the least being considerate.

Being so drunk that thinking peeing on the floor or out the window is a good idea is not healthy, regardless of the actual amount of alcohol consumed!

Don't do anything immediately though, you're tired and probably hormonal and u e might be hungover too. I'd suggest saving it until you're both in a better position to be calm and rational about it. But he needs to learn his behaviour is unacceptable.

Sofabitch · 21/08/2011 07:06

A sharp shock might be what he needs tbh. I'd be packing mine and ds's bag and going to stay at my parents. Even if you don't intend to leave permanently it might give him the wake up call he needs.

Is he taking anti depressants ? You can't drink with many of these. Smoking pot causes mental health problems. And IMO a selfish attitude. Binge drinking is dangerous. He needs to grow up.

AfternoonDelight · 21/08/2011 07:18

Not justifying anything he is doing. But have you asked him if he remembers talking to you on the nights you are talking about because it does sound like he was sleep walking/talking.

People can act completely awake when sleep walking. including talking and the answers he gave you just do not sound like he was awake.

FellatioNelson · 21/08/2011 07:37

I don't think the amount of alcohol is particularly excessive, and on its own is probably not enough to trigger the ridiculous behaviour you are describing, but I think it is an unhealthy combination of all of the the factors you mention - the meds, the cannabis, the booze and the depression itself. As AfternoonDelight said, he not not be fully aware of how bad it is - no excuse, but it's likely he just doesn't realise. Is he taking more ADs than he should be? It sounds like he might be.

I think you need to sit him down when you are both calm and he is completely sober, and tell him straight, in as calm, determined, non-cpnfrontational way that you can, that he is on a slippery slope to bringing about the end of the marriage. Tell him he is behaving like an obnoxious unruly child and if he doesn't sort himself out immediately you do not intend to have him in the house by the time the baby is born as he is currently behaving in a way that is hugely detrimental to you and the DCs.

Also tell him that if he doesn't make an effort to stop this behaviour and get more help you have no intention of hiding it from his parents ands you will be telling them everything. For his own good and the good of his children.

Then go back to the GP with him.

Mitmoo · 21/08/2011 08:24

It sounds as if you have been on the verge of leaving for a while now and this is one of the final straws. Only you will know when you've reached your limit if you can't get through to him. OK the drink doesn't sound OTT but it IS OTT when it pushes him to piddling all over the house.

Gambling itself is an extremely bad addicition, if it is problem gambling rather than a fiver on the gee gees then you need to monitor everything even if that means snooping. The family section of GA would tell you to do that for your own protection as some have lost homes before they've realised how much their partners had borrowed against it.

Keep an eye on him re the gambling, watch out for excuses to leave the house, if it's horses the papers he's bringing into the house, they also play games by starting arguments so they can storm off and feel justified then blame you. GA call that "The Blame Game".

It's all been said above just take care of yourself and try to talk to him when he's sober.

sunshineandbooks · 21/08/2011 08:37

The biggest problem here is not the drinking, cannabis, depression or gambling. It's the fact that the OP's H thinks it's acceptable to urinate all over the carpet and leave it to his heavily pregnant wife to clean it up. And that he's obviously got her so used to his over-entitlement that she's doing it.

Unless a substance abuse problem is massive, or depression leads to a full-on breakdown/psychiatric condition, these problems do not substantially change personalities. They simply exaggerate personality traits that are already there. I bet the H would continue to be a selfish, over-entitled idiot if he never touched another drop of alcohol/smoked another joint/made another bet again.

OP, i understand this is your marriage we're talking about, and combined with your being heavily pregnant I could understand if you don't want to deal with this. Nor should you have to. This is a problem your H had made and he is the one who should be sorting it out. Unfortunately, however, in a few weeks time, when your new baby arrives, you could be under so much strain with this sort of behaviour going on that you become unable to fulfil your own responsibilities to yourself and your DC. Sad

His behaviour is completely unacceptable. I think all you can do is give him an ultimatum that it stops and he takes responsibility for his behaviour generally. As someone who left her own P with 4-month-old twins I know how hard it can be to walk out of a relationship at a point in your life when you've never been more vulnerable. I also know that it was worth it. Less than 24 hours later I felt more at peace and hopeful about the future than at any time in our relationship.

I hope he rises to the challenge and life becomes easier. Good luck with the birth and whatever else happens, enjoy your wonderful new baby.

ChippingIn · 21/08/2011 08:43

I would be giving him an ultimatum. Either he stops drinking & smoking weed or he moves out. End of. You have one child already, one on the way - you do not need this crap - you need support not a selfish prick who says 'Fuck you, I'll do what I want'. Talk to him when he's sobered up.

I am sure DS will be upset if his Dad has to move out - but this will be far less damaging than living with his Dad behaving like this and treating you like this. He may not be too aware of his Dad's behaviour yet - but he will do in time and it will do him no good to see you putting up with it.

LadyFlumpalot · 21/08/2011 08:51

This maybe completely not the case but you say you have a baby due in 8 weeks - and that your H started this attitude in December and was diagnosed with depression in February. Around the same time as you found out you were expecting DC2 then? Could he be worried about finances (what with you being off work and him being self-employed)/being able to cope etc?

I was just wondering if he is drinking to forget his worries maybe? I am not excusing him at all BTW. Could it be worth having a chat about finances once DC2 is here, drawing up a budget etc?

Apologies if I am totally off the mark here!

FellatioNelson · 21/08/2011 08:53

I thought the same actually. How did he react to the news that you were PG and was it planned/agreed?

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