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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disgusted and kick H out for this?

45 replies

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 21/08/2011 02:19

H has been drinking what I consider to be a lot lately, he won't acknowledge it's a problem. He goes through over a bottle of vodka per week over 3 or 4 nights.
A couple of weeks ago a caught him "trying to climb out the window" in the middle of the night when questioned he said he wasn't trying to climb out but to pee out of it, and going to the toilet would have woken me we live in a townhouse and window in question takes him to the roof, v dangerous!
Tonight I awoke again to see H standing by the radiator in our room pissing when I asked what the fuck he was doing he told me he was peeing, so he wasn't sleep walking! When I complained he said it was just a little and doesn't count as urine as was barely in his system 15 mins!
He then proceeded to go to bed leaving me to scrub/soak the pee up with a towel.

AIBU to tell him in the morning that he stops drinking in the morning or finds somewhere else to live?

I now can't sleep and my blood is boiling!

OP posts:

joric · 21/08/2011 09:19

A few people have said that the amount of vodka is not excessive...
I disagree...for a depressed man, on medication, possibly smoking weed?
Vodka (any spirits) don't mix with medication for depression.

OP- this situation and sense of entitlement riles me..
I hate the fact that depression can be used bu some people as their excuse for treating people like shit, doing what they want, saying what they want. So BLOODY selfish. He hasn't got a right to wallow and drink because he has responsibilities. (no doubt I will get flamed for that but I have watched it, experienced it and live with it so it's my opinion)

You have two little DC to think about - then yourself... He is number 4 in the queue.

Thumbwitch · 21/08/2011 09:19

Well for starters I wouldn't have let him just go to bed while I scrubbed up after him, especially not at 32w pg!!

I'd certainly be thinking about having a long hard chat with him, culminating in a "change or else" comment.

As for the "I'll do it cos I like it" shit - how old does he think he is, 3?? tell him to grow the fuck up - depression does not entitle you to do what the hell you please with no consideration for anyone else.

Plus I doubt his ADs will be reacting well to the alcohol (if he's on them!)

Thumbwitch · 21/08/2011 09:21

Oh an another thing - what if you go into labour early and he's had a vodka night? How's he going to cope with getting you to the hospital/getting through labour? Because quite frankly, if I were you and he let me down over that, it would be the end and he would be out on his ear.

sunshineandbooks · 21/08/2011 09:23

Anytime I challenge him about drinking/smoking/gambling etc I'm told "that's what I enjoy doing so I'll do it!"

I don't think pregnancy has anything to do with it, though I'm sure if the OP brings it up as a possible reason with her H he will conveniently latch onto it as a means of excusing his behaviour, all the while making her feel like she's the one being unreasonable for even questioning his right to bring cannabis into the house and to piss all over the carpet.

The baby's not going anywhere. OP H has to face up to it and be responsible. How is drinking himself into a stupor and spending money on cannabis and gambling going to help? Many people have been faced with pregnancies that lead to financial/personal strain. Most people get on with it, like the OP. They don't resort to pissing all over the floor and expecting their heavily pregnant wife to clean it up.

joric · 21/08/2011 09:28

Sunshine Unless a substance abuse problem is massive, or depression leads to a full-on breakdown/psychiatric condition, these problems do not substantially change personalities. They simply exaggerate personality traits that are already there. I bet the H would continue to be a selfish, over-entitled idiot if he never touched another drop of alcohol/smoked another joint/made another bet again.

Very true... when pulled up for rubbish behaviour, depression can be used as an excuse....

MarshaBrady · 21/08/2011 09:30

Yes you should get him to leave. Must be so stressful for you. It's not even the amount of vodka, it's all the rest. Urinating, gambling etc Horrible, degrading and depressing for you.

sunshineandbooks · 21/08/2011 09:37

Thanks joric. Depression is a big problem in this country. Huge numbers of people diagnosed with it. Despite this, the vast majority manage to continue normal, everyday life, hold down jobs, not alienate their loved ones... etc. They feel like they're in a black pit but they manage to go through the motions. They are rarely given to angry outbursts because often their emotions are so numbed they fail to feel anything, let alone anger.

In more severe cases depression is normally directed inward, so that the person fails to take adequate care of themselves (which can lead to neglect if they are responsible for DC admittedly) and such sufferers can remove themselves from full participation in family life, which can obviously cause problems. However, depression rarely manifests as active emotional or physical aggression towards loved ones, except in serious, complex cases.

What the OP is describing about her H sounds less like depression to me and more like someone who has a whole load of other problems that were around long before he got the depression label placed on him. Possibly these too are psychological/psychiatric in nature, but they are not the OPs responsibility and she cannot make them better - only he can do that. Meanwhile, a 32-week pregnant woman should not be worrying about any of this, let alone having to clear up the piss of a grown man.

mummymeister · 21/08/2011 10:10

OP i think you already know the answer to this one. you have to decide either that you can stay with someone who clearly has a lot of problems and is going to take up a lot of your time and emotional effort or that you can't. He is an alcoholic - over 4 times the weekly recommended amount of units. He is on AD's which do work really effectively but not when you smoke cannabis at the same time. You need to take a couple of days to really decide what you want. Have you got the strength to try and sort him out. if not then you need to start organising your life ahead without him. only you know whether you love him or not and whether that is enough to get you through what will be a tough couple of years to sort this out. If it helps go and speak to your GP, health visitor or someone else like this that you trust. Unless he decides that this is a problem and he wants to do something about it then this will go on for years and years.

itisnotacompetitionyouknow · 21/08/2011 10:23

OP, your H sounds very much like my dad...

Please don't end up like my mother. She is still with my dad after putting up with 30 plus years of excessive drinking. As a family we put up with so much over the years, which resulted in my father's sense of entitlement getting worse and worse. His psychological state is awful now, he has been prescribed anti-psychotics for 5 years (we are unsure as to whether it's the drinking that caused this, or if he's always been ill and self-medicating). But my mum now feels stuck and feels like she should be looking after him. My mum should be looking forward to disposable income, a life of freedom after bringing up children, and now she's sole beradwinnner, and living on the breadline, with no hope for the future... And now she's depressed... Be careful you don't get dragged down too.

From my point of view, I think I'd have been better off without my dad in the picture. It's not the drinking that is the problem, it's the behaviour that follows, and that will impact on your children. What is starting off as weeing on a radiator will end up getting worse, trust me.

Original poster

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 21/08/2011 11:43

Thanks every1 for your answers.
Spoke to H this morning he woke early and apologised has admitted there is a problem, I've told him that he's to have no more alcohol at home, and if on a night out it's limited to 3 drinks, we're also going back to GP together. The gambling I don't think is too much of a problem AFAIK it's 1 bet of £5 per week on football, and he has a poker night however I know how the poker works and is a tournament he plays it's never more than £8 pw.

The cannabis is also not a problem now he came clean 2 or 3 weeks ago about this that he had been having a few joints a week for 6 months in secret and hated lying to me about it. It has now stopped he knows that he would be out like a shot if he goes near it again as I hate it and is a real deal breaker for me.

He also knows I won't hesitate in being honest with his family about why we split if we did, and he knows they would support me.

He is now using one of these E-cigarettes instead of smoking as the smell was making me feel sick (I'd like him to get rid of this too) but I can put up with it for now.

He didn't have a hangover so got up with DS this morning and let me sleep
:-)

So I am hoping that last night was his rock bottom and he'll deal with it now.
He was told this morning that he's lucky DS woke so early as if it had been later he'd have woken to an empty house!

Just want to thank everyone for their support, I couldn't be arsed to namechange this morning so I will ask MNHQ to delete the thread as H knows my name and I don't think it'll help putting things right if he comes across the thread.

Sorry for mammoth post.

OP posts:

Original poster

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 21/08/2011 11:45

Oh and to answer earlier questions the trigger in Dec was the weather he has a driving job and had no work/income for 4weeks.
I found out I was pg beginning of feb and was planned.

OP posts:

Curiousmama · 21/08/2011 11:49

Phew so glad it's improving for you all. Good luck

joric · 21/08/2011 11:56

In my experience this pattern of selfish behaviour/ rejection of responsibility is difficult to crack and the only person who can change the situation is the person with the problem.
A person who absolutely refuses to see that their behaviour is having a negative effect on others and do something about it needs to be left IMO.
I don't care if it is through alcoholism or depression or both.
If you have a depressive father or a depressive/alcoholic husband your life is in their hands- your mood is their mood.
It's miserable.

joric · 21/08/2011 11:58

Xpost with OP- I am so pleased your H is going to get help! :)
Ignore my last post!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 21/08/2011 17:10

I don't think it'll help putting things right if he comes across the thread

I disagree - I think it would do him the world of good to see how desperate he has made his pregnant wife that she has to reach out on the internet in the middle of the night while he slumbers on after having pissed on the floor of their bedroom - and not for the first time.

I also think he would be benefit from seeing that his behaviour is roundly condemned by all and that, if you come clean to your dps and ILs, he can expect more of the same.

He's behaved like a twunt; he owes you a massive apology and should do his utmost to ensure that he makes good on his promises.

Jodianna · 21/08/2011 17:23

You say the cannabis is not a problem, sorry but it is, and you need to bring that up with the gp too. It exacerbates depression, among other things.
However, it's good that he's admitted there is a problem there. Good luck, I hope it works out for you all.

Original poster

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 21/08/2011 17:36

When I say the cannabis isn't a problem I mean he stopped that around 3 weeks ago and has admitted it to me and said he won't be doing it any more.
He has now apologised and asked that I don't tell any1, I've said I won't for now provided he sticks to his word and changes his behaviour.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 21/08/2011 20:49

Well, I hope it works out for you... but you know where we are if it doesn't
x

(and Edward NOT Eric ;) )

OhdearNigel · 22/08/2011 10:56

I would have an absolute fucking fit if I woke up to find DH pissing on the floor and he would regret doing it. He would be clearing it up himself before he came back to bed, I cannot believe you cleared his filth up for him.
He's acting like a child and I would be treating him like one until he grew a pair and acted like a grown up.

Crazybit · 22/08/2011 11:11

Ex used to piss all over when drunk, then got annoyed if I dared to get mad or upset. I left him for it plied other things. Sincerly hope things work out and DH sticks to what he's promised.

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