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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get annoyed about "Stag Weekends"?

40 replies

Purplegirlie · 16/08/2011 09:32

DH has got an invitation to yet another "Stag weekend"; travelling to a city 200 miles away on the Friday, and therefore taking a day's annual leave, then 2 nights of staying in a nice hotel, drinking and going out to eat, oh and a bit of go-karting thrown in, whilst I stay at home and look after the kids, on a budget!

It's DH's best friend and he feels he can't say "no", and I guess I don't mind him going away that much, it's all the costs involved and the fact that he's going to be away for 3 days that annoys me. In the past few years he's been on several others; Ibiza for 4 days, somewhere else in Spain for 4 days, Newcastle, Dublin, several to London, none of which are less than 2 days' duration. Each costs a minimum of about £300, the ones abroad involving flights etc have obviously cost more.

I just feel that stag do's are getting out of hand; whatever happened to a good old fashioned stag night? Grooms seem to be getting more and more competitive about where they're going and looking for better and better and more expensive locations. And lots of men seem to have a problem saying "no". Funnily enough many brides just have a hen night or maybe a spa day if they're pushing the boat out; probably because lots of women are conscious of the fact that they have children to look after and money isn't unlimited.

OP posts:

biddysmama · 16/08/2011 09:35

yanbu, my husbands best man wanted a weekend in blackpool but dh told him it would cost too much and he didnt want to leave me and kids for that long so they went into town on a bender instead... i didnt have a hen do because i havent left the babies yet and didnt want to

fedupofnamechanging · 16/08/2011 09:37

So basically your husband is going on lots of expensive little holidays while you stay home with the kids.

Damn right you can say no, best friend or not. Your problem here is with your dh, spending money you don't have and not ensuring that money is shared fairly between you, him and the dcs.

Original poster

Purplegirlie · 16/08/2011 09:38

That's exactly the problem, Karma.

I would absolutely love to go off on a little holiday to Ibiza with the girls, but when I get asked to do things like that I say no, because of the children and because I don't think it's fair on the rest of the family as it might mean we can't have a family holiday that year.

OP posts:

diddl · 16/08/2011 09:41

Well, what a shame he went on the others & that it´s his best friends that is the proverbial straw that broke the camel´s back.

If he wasn´t so friendly the the others, of course he could have said no-guess he didn´t want to!

itisnearlysummer · 16/08/2011 09:43

YANBU.

In theory, I don't think the going away for the weekend and leaving you at home with the children is the issue - it wouldn't be for me anyway.

We've had a similar thing recently with lots of people getting married, I told DH that I didn't mind him going (although not really sure why they all have to be expensive weekends and not just a night anymore!) but he chose not to because of the expense and the fact it will take money away from the whole family.

Tbh though, I turned down the hen night invitiations for similar reasons.

We worked out that if we'd gone on all the hen/stag dos we'd been invited to this year, (based on the breakdown of costs provided to us by the organisers) we'd have spent around £1k on those events alone. Then throw in presents and outfits....

Other people's weddings have become a very expensive business!

yousankmybattleship · 16/08/2011 09:45

YANBU. Before children I don't think there's any harm and it is nice for men to get away and have fun just as it is for women. Once you have children your priorities should change though and there are better things to spend the time and money on.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/08/2011 09:49

Well, I think you have to say to him that this situation is very unfair and as a husband and father he shouldn't be happy to see you go without things while he spends the money on himself. I do think he should have realised this himself without you needing to tell him.

Are you going to say no to this trip?

MintChocAddict · 16/08/2011 09:55

YANBU.

Does he play golf?

Now that all DH friends are married, it's moved onto golf weekends. - I could sense the panic rising among DH and his friends as they ran out of weddings.

Luckily golf weekends have filled the gap rather well.

KRIKRI · 16/08/2011 09:57

YANBU! I just don't "get" the rising popularity of ever more elaborate and expensive stag and hen parties in recent years. The idea seems to celebrate the "last night of freedom," which is a sham as most engaged couples have been co-habiting before marriage, aren't virgins at least and hopefully won't use it as an occasion to have a final fling. The rituals involved seem to involve the worst examples of sexist activities - i.e. men going to strip joints and women dressing as sex objects. Personally speaking, I'm not at all fond of single sex "parties" like this as they often result in people slagging off the opposite sex the whole time. Urgh.

And, don't get me started on the expense involved. It puts those invited in an awkward position if they can't really afford to take part and/or just don't want to be involved in the "activities." Do you go along and be miserable and skint for weeks after or do you decline and be thought of as a tightwad killjoy? And, so many people tell me of the rows between couples that result from these events - like your situation where one person literally gets left holding the baby while the other parties hard, where someone in the party does something they "regret later" which upsets their partner, or feeling pressured into keeping secret something "unpleasant" one of the party has done.

I can think of just one such situation - the bride begged the groom not to go to a strip club and I was there when he promised that he wouldn't. My DH "dropped in" on the evening meal part of the weekend just to make an appearance, but overheard others in the party boasting how they went to a strip club and the groom "went into the back room" with one of the dancers. It's put DH in an awkward position as he's friends with both the bride and groom. He's avoided seeing either since then, but the wedding is coming up and we're supposed to go, but he's dreading the situ.

I can understand having some sort of party for friends of both the bride and groom to celebrate the forthcoming wedding, that is if it doesn't involve expecting guests to fork out a fortune or engage in things they don't want to do. Stag and hen parties? Gah, I hate the whole idea.

Original poster

Purplegirlie · 16/08/2011 10:05

MintChoc, no he doesn't play golf but does play cricket (yawn!)

I guess I can't really say "no" and not allow him to go, he knows my feelings about the whole thing but is still planning on going. In theory we can afford for him to go, as we've been saving recently, but we're living on a budget as we're trying to save up so it's going to defeat the last month or two's work.

OP posts:

janelikesjam · 16/08/2011 10:06

Hen nights/stag nights - urghhhh!! People with more money than sense. I have never been to one and I never will. Sometimes I am glad I am not normal

BBQFrenzy · 16/08/2011 10:07

YABU. Only because in my experience Hen Dos are equally likely to be trips abroad etc - I think it depends on the ages of the people getting married and their circle of friends. If the bride to be has children already I do agree she is probably more likely to choose something low key/less time consuming/ expensive/ involving foreign travel.

Whatmeworry · 16/08/2011 10:07

In my day bit wascstag nights, not stag weekends.... Inflation eh :(

Original poster

Purplegirlie · 16/08/2011 10:09

I would love the opportunity to go off and have a 4-day mini break in Ibiza, with no children to look after, but because I have responsibilities I say no to that kind of thing. DH, however, has never been that good at saying "no" to people, especially when it means he can go off on a little jolly, assuming I'll be there to provide free 24/7 childcare for him whilst he's away...

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 16/08/2011 10:10

You can say no. It's not his money - it belongs to the two of you and appears to have been saved for a specific purpose, not to bankroll his social life at the expense of family life.

If you've said you are not happy with this incredibly unfair arrangement and he is going to ignore you and go anyway, then you are married to a selfish arse.

It might be time to start putting yourself and the dc first and stop doing without, so you can save.

I think I'd take the money put aside and put it in a non touchable savings account or blow it on stuff that makes me happy for a change.

Whatmeworry · 16/08/2011 10:10

*It was stag.... bluddy apple

fedupofnamechanging · 16/08/2011 10:10

He seems quite good at saying no to you though Purple

worraliberty · 16/08/2011 10:11

How does he know so many people getting married?

He's not a chimney sweep by any chance is he?

niceguy2 · 16/08/2011 10:11

I think YABU to say that only men have expensive stag do's whilst women all have cheap hen nights. That's certainly not been my experience. My friends who got married, the women have also had foreign jollies or expensive hotel spa days.

But cost-wise YANBU since the costs are getting out of hand nowadays. I had three weddings this year, two quite close friends and I had to turn all down because of the cost and I couldnt go to one then not another. So after some soul searching I decided to turn all three down.

KRIKRI · 16/08/2011 10:15

The bit I especially don't like is that it puts those invited in such an awkward position, as it has for the OP. I can't think of many events that are supposed to be "fun" that have caused so much conflict and grief for otherwise happy couples and good friends. There's something to me that is fundamentally selfish about setting up an "event" that you know some of the people you invite won't like, perhaps can't afford, could spark off a fight with their partner, but knowing that they'll feel "obliged" to accept the offer. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

Original poster

Purplegirlie · 16/08/2011 10:15

I laughed out loud at that Worraliberty!

Niceguy2, I said "many brides" have a hen night or a spa day at the most, not "all brides".

I've told him that I don't think we can afford for him to go; he responds that we can afford it and it's his best friend etc. What is annoying too is that the costs are going up and up. They're all going by minibus and the cost for that has gone up about 3 times, they were going to share hotel rooms now they're having one each so the costs have gone up for that. They need a fancy dress costume for one night, so that's another £30 or so to add to the amount.

I realise that he is probably going to go, I think like some of you have suggested though I will spend a similar amount on something for me!

OP posts:

HandMini · 16/08/2011 10:20

YANBU at all. If he goes, could you arrange for him to look after the children for a whole day/night or a weekend and either go and do something for yourself that you enjoy or perhaps you go and stay with a friend in another town. That way you have a break to look forward to and might not feel so resentful to him.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 16/08/2011 10:24

YANBU Your DH is being a selfish arse.

Inertia · 16/08/2011 10:28

Purple , perhaps you should start to accept invitations. Your DH will then need to take responsibility for the children while you are away, he will have to make allowances in the budget.

Perhaps the recent savings could be put into an ISA to make them less accessible? That way DH can budget for the stag weekend from whatever money is available as his usual spending money.

ensure · 16/08/2011 10:32

Yes they are getting out of hand, DH's school best friend wants to have a stag week, skiing.

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