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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to walk away and cut her off

33 replies

Blossomgirl · 14/08/2011 09:49

My friend lives in the city I lived in until 4 years ago. Our sons have been soooo close since 9months and 1year. I'm her dd2 mentor.

She calls herself unorganised but has a big, close family who pull round and imo make up for it.

Last year few weeks before ds birhtday she said whatever they did we were invited, on the day I rang in the morning thinking 'oh must be an aftenoon party at hers' because I had not heard since the weeks before. Her ds tells mine, 'we are going to the cinema and you are not invited'. my ds bursts into tears and hangs up. After placating him, and much apologies from her over the phone we gallop off to the city and catch the 10am show with all the other children.

Fogive , forget, put down to being dizzy etc.

This time, we are invited to dd2 party. Arrive at friends house and husband says 'did'nt she tell you it wasn't here?' Get directions, go there and realise that the party is in full swing, marquee, games etc in a little field down the road.

By this time I feel so let down, rejected and unsure that I leave with my 2ds a go for a long walk with them on the fields near by and pick blackberries. They were upset ofcourse and I know I was being imature by not going in.

Since then I have not answered the phone to her.

Am I wrong? MN windom needed to level me out x

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 14/08/2011 09:52

If you have known her for years, surely she's always been like this and you are used to it. why is it suddenly becoming so much of a problem for you?
TBH I think it was silly of you to take your DS away from the party - that just upset them and makes you look a bit petty.

Geordieminx · 14/08/2011 09:57

Life is too short to waste on people that make you feel sad.

I would confront her, ask her why she did this, but then that's me. Also, if someone hurts me then I can kinda forgive and get over it,but if someone hurts or lets ds down then blood is not enough Wink

I guess deep down only you know whether your friendship is worth more than these two incidents?

Original poster
Blossomgirl · 14/08/2011 09:58

good question solidgoldbrass. Beacuse so much had been organised, and yet thinking of us seemed to be too much to ask. Thank you for your opinion on my actions; the emotions are so string for me that they definitely ruled my actions there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomgirl · 14/08/2011 09:59

minx, you are right too. I feel things are coming to a close with her, but i do need to come out with it now ( hence being on mnet for levelling x) thank you

OP posts:
MorelliOrRanger · 14/08/2011 10:01

Well she managed to invite everyone else and give them directions.

Dump and move on is my suggestion.

Original poster
Blossomgirl · 14/08/2011 10:03

morelli, eaxctly my dilema at the party side. only trouble is ds wants to invite her ds to his upcomming birthday.

OP posts:
pickgo · 14/08/2011 10:04

TBH I wouldn't dream of 'assuming' I was invited to anything, let alone just turn up and be put out that the party was started without me.

I think your 'friend' wants to back off and you are not taking the hint.

pigletmania · 14/08/2011 10:07

blossom mabey it is time to back off really. Does not sound like much of a friend, she managed to invite everybody else! Sometimes you have to ackowledge that mabey the friendship has run the course

Original poster
Blossomgirl · 14/08/2011 10:07

pickgo i wondered this, but why invite us only to muck us about.
I was thinking of soothing the waters but saying to her it's time for a break. bit lame but less dramatic than me ignoring her calls.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 14/08/2011 10:09

pickgo so was invited but her friend failed to give her adequate information about the venue. I would invite the ds to your ds party, he wants to invite him, don't let your feelings come in the way.

Original poster
Blossomgirl · 14/08/2011 10:13

thanks piglet, as you can tell i am emotionally driven on occassions. Trouble is for me is this stirs up awful deep feelings from when I was little. You are right I will not punish the boys for this. x

OP posts:
Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 14/08/2011 10:15

sorry OP - what do you mean by her DD2 "mentor" ?

Original poster
Blossomgirl · 14/08/2011 10:16

their name for a god parent, without the god

OP posts:
pigletmania · 14/08/2011 10:16

then cool your friendship,

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 14/08/2011 10:20

thanks Blossomgirl

it does seem strange that you are her DDs mentor which would imply that she regards you as a close friend - otherwise why would she make you a mentor?

I think I would bide my time warily and see how things pan out - agree with Piglet let your DS invite her DS to the party

Original poster
Blossomgirl · 14/08/2011 10:21

yes piglet. That is my over-riding feeling.Perhaps it will be better when I call her and make clear why I walked away, (oh look I already did it) and a break may do us good. Thank you

OP posts:
janelikesjam · 14/08/2011 10:21

If a friend is withdrawing, sometimes withdrawing in return is the best option.

Original poster
Blossomgirl · 14/08/2011 10:22

she's on the phone so i'll let you know..... x

OP posts:
pickgo · 14/08/2011 10:24

Oh sorry re-read and see your DS were actually invited - just messed around.
Well, in that case I think I'd take her to task for upsetting your DS. Have a talk and see what's occuring. If it's just a case of her 'dizziness'' she needs to grow up and show a bit more consideration towards the children she is thoughtlessly hurting (never mind their mother!)
Not sure I'd invite her DCs to anything until you've had the talk because you don't want to encourage a continuation of the Dcs friendship if it leaves them open to being rejected again.
Lastly - do your DCs really all get on still? The DS who said 'we're all going to the cinema and you're not invited' sounds like he was rubbing it in and may be not a real friend to your DS?

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2011 10:28

Don't you ever talk on the phone?

Tortington · 14/08/2011 10:29

as someone else said, she managed to invite other people without a problem.

i would at this point not consider this person a 'good' friend anymore.

i would not ignore her calls, but i am however shit at confrontation, so i would be very polite and Cool with her.

ive actually done this with one of my oldest friends recently

girlywhirly · 14/08/2011 10:41

pickgo makes a good point, just because the parents are friends doesn't mean their DC will be as they get older. I would be annoyed at the being messed around, especially as it hurt your DS feelings.

People who can't make proper arrangements to do with the parties they host are as bad as those invitees who wait in case a better offer comes along before accepting.

It's up to you how you sort this, but for future invitations or even casual social arrangements I would make it clear that unless you get proper information and directions, and she confirms the day before, you will assume it isn't happening and will be doing something else instead. If people keep on making allowances and sorting out her mess she will never learn to be organised. You said yourself, her family do this all the time.

StealthPolarBear · 14/08/2011 10:46

yes, she is managing with others so it seems this is deliberate in some way
Life's too short

donttrythisathome · 14/08/2011 10:57

I had a friend a bit like that (we were neighbours growing up). I realised that actually we were only remaining in touch for the sake of history and that she obviously didn't value me. I stopped getting in touch 5 years ago and it's a relief to be honest. Ignoring the calls will only upset you. Either explain the reason to her if this is your personality type or else just withdraw from the friendship like she is doing.

The kids are not friends if they don't see each other and your DS is not invited to the parties.

TidyDancer · 14/08/2011 10:58

I would walk away. I've got little time for friends who mess you around. I have enough family who do it, I don't need crappy friends as well!