to walk away and cut her off

[Blossomgirl]

My friend lives in the city I lived in until 4 years ago. Our sons have been soooo close since 9months and 1year. I'm her dd2 mentor.

She calls herself unorganised but has a big, close family who pull round and imo make up for it.

Last year few weeks before ds birhtday she said whatever they did we were invited, on the day I rang in the morning thinking 'oh must be an aftenoon party at hers' because I had not heard since the weeks before. Her ds tells mine, 'we are going to the cinema and you are not invited'. my ds bursts into tears and hangs up. After placating him, and much apologies from her over the phone we gallop off to the city and catch the 10am show with all the other children.

Fogive , forget, put down to being dizzy etc.

This time, we are invited to dd2 party. Arrive at friends house and husband says 'did'nt she tell you it wasn't here?' Get directions, go there and realise that the party is in full swing, marquee, games etc in a little field down the road.

By this time I feel so let down, rejected and unsure that I leave with my 2ds a go for a long walk with them on the fields near by and pick blackberries. They were upset ofcourse and I know I was being imature by not going in.

Since then I have not answered the phone to her.

Am I wrong? MN windom needed to level me out x

How did the phone call this morning go, Blossomgirl?

Thankyou everyone for thinking this through with me. We spoke for an hour and straight after my mum rang, which is why i've been so long...

But first my replies.. fuzzy this is exactly the glue between my freind and I that helped do my head in, (the fact i'm dd. mentor), and you are right this is not between the boys.

Pickgo, yeah i never really trusted her ds after that, but he can be a bit insensitive. Me and my boys are really really sensitive, so thanks for picking up on that.

Imperial, it happened for the first time since i walked away this morning..

Custardo, i'm honoured to hear from you, me lovely old mnetter (i was ere in the early 2000s too). Sorry this has happened to you too. it does doesnt it.

Girly you are right this is not something my freind encounters ie resistance to her disorganisation, it's enabled by those closest to her.

Stealth, its just how it seemed to me

Donttryit, I feel really sorry you've experienced this too. You are right about ignoring the calls, i was punishing her at first then it turned inwards (until today)

Tidy sorry to hear that about family. This happened when dp and I were really low, so the blow was harder. Hope your ok.

2nd comming, yup it felt deliberate

Soft kitty and everyone who has been here this sunday for me, my friend rang just like that in the middle of this thread. My dp pretened i wasnt here but I called no its ok im here...

it was hard at first, a bit lost and a bit searching in each others voices and thank you thank you for the moral support. I was able to say that although i know she's disorganised and that i will always like her, that I was willing to accept that this part of her had caused us damaged. We spoke about the big family thing, about how those of us without ANYone to help have to survive by wit, and how the two natures don't work in a distance reltionship.

I said it was ok for her to be like this, and I could accept the end to our time together if it is how it is.

Then a very good thing happened. She said that this is what might make our friendship stronger if we work it through. This might happen. i don't think she has encountered hurting another by beind ditzy before.

We spoke for 40mins or so. I declined an invite to hers next week because of other commitments, and we left it that I will pass on my DS invite for a birthday party in September.

So there we are. Thank you :) :) all again. We are off to pick blackberries and enjoy some out doors xx blossom

I don't think this can be explained away by her being unorganized as some people are suggesting. It sounds to me like her dcs have decided for whatever reason that they don't want to be friends with yours and she doesn't have the bottle to tell you herself. I imagine she's probably feeling a bit embarrassed and crap about it and hoping that you will take a hint rather than dealing with it like an adult. Its not clear from your post whether you and she remain close independent of the children or not but if you do and you want the friendship (with her, not among the dcs) to continue, you should sit her down and tell her you felt upset about the way it was handled etc. If you feel you're only remaining in touch for the sake of the dcs then maybe just call it quits and let it drift. She doesn't sound very grown-up. I think using being disorganized as an excuse for crap behaviour is particularly reprehensible. Men do it all the time in relationships which is often par for the course, but I think for women to do it to one another is particularly cowardly.

Well, at least the call was civil and didn't become acrimonious.

I wouldn't rely on this friends' word that this might strengthen your friendship, I don't think you trust her enough now. Letting it drift might be best and see whether she shapes up, my guess is she will have lots of good intentions that come to nothing. Also if others feelings about her DS not being bothered about your son are right, I think he might not want to come to the party.

TBH you sound apocalyptically hard work. Anyone who feels the need to mention repeatedly how emotional and sensitive they are with the implication that this makes them SPESHUL is someone I would be rapidly trying to disengage from.

You need to tell her exactly why she has hurt you - the fact she manages to invite everyone else but takes you for granted. Talk to her and tell her how you feel. She has been out of order but you need to tell her and clear up why you are upset.

Well done on talking about it with her. Too many people just walk away and the other person has no idea what they've done wrong, which doesn't solve anything.

I hope things improve but either way you have now said your piece.