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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Smiling through a quiet war

26 replies

Angel786 · 12/08/2011 17:51

MiL has been 'accidentally' q nasty with back handed comments about my baby weight (am 8 stone and 5'7!) and grabs things like Muslins and toys from me when I'm looking after dd. Saw her yest for first gime after a month. Now she keeps bringing food over even tho I always cook every time they come, I have a while freezer full of her food which I don't even like and often has hair in it. Last batch is prawns which are really chewy. She got v defensive when dh praised my cooking yesterday and said she could never make that dish properly to which she said she could she just preferred it overcooked. Looking forward to the next fam get together when I bet she makes that dish to prove a point.

Im fairly sure she doesnt really like me, i don't like her much but pretending to get along to keep the peace. Seething inside.

AIBU to feel like it's my job to cook for my husband?

OP posts:
worraliberty · 12/08/2011 17:55

YABU it's no-one's 'job' is it?

You sound like a fairly stereotypical DIL and MIL 'fighting' over your DH.

Your MIL was rude about your weight, but your DH was rude to tell her 'she could never make that dish properly'

If he thinks he can do a better job, why doesn't he cook it?

Tanif · 12/08/2011 17:57

"A daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life, a son is a son until he takes a wife"...

But seriously, your job to cook for your husband? Where do you live, 1952?

AgentZigzag · 12/08/2011 17:57

It's nice she brings you food over when visiting, is it necessarily a dig at you?

I wouldn't appreciate more than one accidental hair, but you don't have to keep the food do you? If she's not over that much, just bin it if you don't like it?

Smile and nod...smile and nod Grin

usualsuspect · 12/08/2011 18:00

Have MIL threads taken over from riot threads today?

worraliberty · 12/08/2011 18:00

I have a hairy MIL and a very fat dog as a result Grin

AgentZigzag · 12/08/2011 18:01

'Have MIL threads taken over from riot threads today?'

One and the same surely?

usualsuspect · 12/08/2011 18:03

Possibly Grin

Original poster
Angel786 · 12/08/2011 19:40

Ok, maybe job was the wrong word, I enjoy cooking. Can't bin the food as dh puts it all in the freezer, guess he can eat it later.

Maybe it pisses me off more than it should because of all the history Confused

OP posts:
worraliberty · 12/08/2011 19:47

You didn't mention any history

LolaRennt · 12/08/2011 19:53

THink the OP just means it isn't her MIL's place and she needs to back off. YANBU OP, and mil is being rude about your weight which isnt on. DH shoudlnt have said what he said, but maybe he was hoping mil would stop bringing over food!

Original poster
Angel786 · 12/08/2011 19:54

No, have moaned about it before, I should let it go.

All was fine till dd was born, since then everything has changed. Several comments about my weight, how I should raise dd, woke dd up when I finally got her to nap (dd has had serious issues with sleep and is often overtired) because she wanted to play with dd... When dd starts screaming as was five months old and overtired she hands her back to me Angry, pushes the pram and leaves the pram in the road while she's holding it from the pavement so cars have to drive around it, has made snobby comments about my ethnic background...altho not intentionally apparently (said of someone else he is xxxx but he's ok, when I am also xxxx)...

OP posts:
worraliberty · 12/08/2011 19:57

It's plain you two don't like each other and it may or may not be 6 of one and half a dozen of the other...who knows apart from you?

Either way, I think her bringing food is a kind thing to do and if you don't want to eat it, you don't have to.

Families...you can't pick them can you?

Original poster
Angel786 · 12/08/2011 20:46

You're right, think I'm hormonal... Just cried because my food spilt.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 12/08/2011 20:55

Awww, don't get upset Angel.

Your DH is only saying he doesn't want you to chuck it because he doesn't want to hurt you MILs feelings, I'm sure he'd much prefer your tasty meals than constantly on tenterhooks waiting for a hair to put in an apperance Grin

Refuse to let her barbed comments get to you, maybe she's missing being needed and looking after your DH, if she was OK with you before this could just be a phase.

evenlessnarkypuffin · 12/08/2011 20:56

She sounds like she's being a pain, but your DH saying she could never cook something you had made is less praising you than slagging off her cooking!

As for comments about your weight and ethnicity I think you need to say something. At 5' 7 and 8 stone you must be almost on the underweight bit of the BMI chart.

ChitChattingaway · 12/08/2011 21:03

I get a bit Hmm when my FIL praises something I've made which my MIL taught me how to make. Wouldn't be so bad if he just said it was great, but he then adds, 'it's even better than yours, X'. Shock

Don't know how MIL didn't biff him Grin!!!!!

If your MIL is a bit of a pain and often putting you down, your DH's comments about your cooking might be his way of saying 'pull your head in mum, she's my wife and she's great so stop criticising her'.

Original poster
Angel786 · 12/08/2011 21:30

Feel much better thanks all, Smile x

OP posts:
skinnymuffin · 12/08/2011 21:31

Do you feel like your mil is trying to undermine you op? By criticising you, your cooking and your parenting skills?

What does your dh think about?

Perhaps you should tell her how you feel, after all she is going to be a part of your life for some time in all likelihood.

If you can't talk to her then nod and smile I guess but that can be very hard over a lifetime.

Or you could always make her some 'angelhair' pasta by way of a thank you for all the lovely meals she has made for you :o

Sorry, this it what happens when I try and be mature. I run out of steam...

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/08/2011 21:38

"I have a while freezer full of her food which I don't even like and often has hair in it."

And what on earth can she say about your weight? 5'7" and 8st - she can't possibly be saying you have baby weight to shift, that's positively thin!

BBQFrenzy · 12/08/2011 22:34

If she comments on your weight again I'd be tempted to give DH a wink and say well DH likes something to hold onto (insert whatever bleugh innuendo you want here) (echo other posters who are saying you must definitely do not have a weight problem but I think you have to show her she is having NO effect whatsoever, in fact, quite the opposite). Tacky, absolutely, but more importantly just the kind of comment she won't want to encourage again.

Next family get together take a dish over or dessert or something just because you wouldn't want to turn up empty-handed when she's been so kind to invite you . I vote to kill her with kindness and jovial flippancy. Sounds like it would drive her insania.

Original poster
Angel786 · 13/08/2011 09:00

Love skinny's idea but will try not to stoop to her levels, altho I don't think she leaves the hair on purpose! Yes, I think it's a little bit undermining but also pushing me out / marking my home with her presence everywhere, photos she's given (of her, fil, sil and dh before my time), cushions in the lounge, freezer full of food of hers. Maybe it is her kindness which I'm misconstruing but in light of her showing her true colours more recently I'm dubious. Her latest thing is buying lots of mugs with not do flattering pics of dd on, or pictures that arent clear Confused. Think I'm bring too picky!

I feel like she's quite sly in pretending to be all nicey nicey but really doesn't like me which slips out through the odd comment.

If I confront her she will deny she ever meant any harm and smile and laugh. I did try to sort things out and get it all put in the open by email and fil replied attacking my behaviour (I told them I'd rather he pushes the pram as mil left the pram in the road before see op and also drops it down big curbs etc.) she said nothing. No reply to my comments that even if not intended her comments about ethnicity and weight are hurtful.

BBQ has a good idea, kill her with kindness. Just got to keep my tongue under contol [sceptical]

OP posts:
skinnymuffin · 13/08/2011 14:44

Good for you Angel, rise above it. Never hurts to be the bigger person does it?

Maybe you are reading a bit much into some things she has done, but I sympathise there, once you realise someone doesn't like you much it's very hard not to go looking for further evidence.

Are they framed pics by the way? Take the photos out and put new ones in. Nothing wrong with fancying a change is there? :)

skinnymuffin · 13/08/2011 14:45

Oh and mugs get dropped and broken it happens all the time. Shame :o

evenlessnarkypuffin · 13/08/2011 15:01

I have the a solution for the photos. Keep the frame, change the picture to one you want up eg a family snap that includes you and your children. Put it back in the same place. If asked, say the photos have gone into the album and you like to keep updating pictures because children grow up so fast. You could even put up a lovely picture of your DD and offer her a copy. And cushions often need recovering when small children are around.

Mishy1234 · 13/08/2011 15:03

It was very wrong of your MIL to make comments about your weight. In any case, you sound extremely slim to me even if you hadn't recently had a baby!

I would choose to ignore the other stuff. If your own mother was doing the same things would you have the same attitude towards her? She is still entitled to care about her son, whether he has 'taken a wife' or not! You don't trump her and vice versa. You both have different roles and need to learn to live and let live.

Also, your DH isn't helping the situation by making digs about her cooking. Adding fuel to the fire at this stage is only going to backfire and make life very difficult for him in the future.

Take the high road on this one. There will be times when you will have to defer to her and her to you. It's not a competition.