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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP going on holiday??!!

46 replies

tinker316 · 01/08/2011 11:31

Earlier this year when DD was 8mo my DP went on a snowboarding trip with his friends.
I thought he was being super selfish as I was still on maternity leave & was suffering with PND :( I found that week very hard, but managed!!
But he is now planning 2 go away in January- leaving me again on my own :(
I am back at work part time & have got through the PND :)
I'm just hacked off that he is willing 2 spend alot of money 2 go away with his friends, instead of doing stuff as a family!!
He days that he can only do this sport that he loves, certain times of the year & that he is not asking much of going 1 week??!!
Sorry 4 ranting!!!!
He

OP posts:

Sarsaparilllla · 01/08/2011 11:32

Can you book a holiday away with friends as well and leave him to look after DD? I think you should do the same :)

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 01/08/2011 11:32

So when do you get your week's holiday?

Mitmoo · 01/08/2011 11:33

I think he's being selfish FWIW. These are hardly cheap holidays. So when are you having your girls holiday to leave him with the baby for a week?

Portofino · 01/08/2011 11:33

Agree - if he gets a week sans kids, so do you. That is the ONLY way it is fair.

Mitmoo · 01/08/2011 11:34

All thinking the same thing

MerylStrop · 01/08/2011 11:34

Nothing wrong, in principle with him going on holiday alone.

BUT he should

discuss it with you first
ensure you have support/childcare/company and money to do stuff whilst he's away
be prepared for you to bugger off whenever you want to (and maybe even if you think you don't want to)
ensure you get a family holiday too

Pootles2010 · 01/08/2011 11:39

It would only be fair for him to have his week if you get an equally lovely week off.

Could you look into a week away, doing whatever you love? Maybe something from before dd?

Then present him with the costs etc - either you both get your week away, or no one does.

Pootles2010 · 01/08/2011 11:39

Obviously we were all thinking alike!

miniwedge · 01/08/2011 11:41

If he already has the kit it won't be hugely expensive if he shops around. DB goes every year and it doesn't cost alot as he has the kit already and doesn't go to the bars etc every night.

has he always been into snowboarding?

Did you not have any family/friends nearby when he went earlier this year?

TBH, if he's going once a year I don't think it's a big deal as long as you get equal leisure time and funds.

ImperialBlether · 01/08/2011 11:42

But does the OP want a week away from her baby? I wouldn't have wanted that. It's always people's stock response, but for many working mums that's the last thing they want.

catsmother · 01/08/2011 11:43

Can you, as a family afford for him to indulge himself ?? .... and more importantly, could you also afford to indulge yourself to a similar degree ? Not necessarily a holiday, but something which isn't strictly necessary and which allows you to have a complete break from the responsibility and monotiny of every day life ?

If the answer to either of those questions is no, then he shouldn't be going. And even if you can afford it, and can also afford to treat you as well, something major like this shouldn't be presented to you as a fait accompli - it should be discussed, considering there's a young child to be cared for, otherwise he's taking you for granted.

I do also take your point about doing stuff as a family. Whilst you don't lose your individuality as a partner and/or parent, and it's nice to be able to do stuff entirely for yourself, comparatively few people actually manage to do that (e.g. due to financial constraints, or childcare responsibilities). If his holidays mean that family time is then disrupted that really isn't fair. Like it or not, he is a dad now and can't simply behave like a single man without thinking it through first, being realistic about cost, being considerate of the extra work these trips create for you and recognising the importance of quality family time.

LineRunner · 01/08/2011 11:44

He's probably thinking, I've had a baby, not had my legs cut off. Why can't I carry on with my hobby?

If he's working, then he probably doubly thinks that.

The danger for you is if he thinks that the baby is YOUR hobby.

You have to talk to him about your expectations and about family finances, I think.

ImperialBlether · 01/08/2011 11:44

I think he was very selfish going away that week.

He should discuss it with you before he goes. Is this two weeks out of his annual holidays that he's gone away on his own, or is it one week out of each year?

Do you go away as a family? Is he a good (and present) father to your daughter? Does he often go out on his own (ie does he think he's still single?)

Original poster

tinker316 · 01/08/2011 11:44

I had mentioned 2 him that if he goes away,that it's only fair that I have the same & can have a break away!
But he is not keen on that- he says my idea would be 2 go away & get hammered all week
I didn't have the easiest of pregnancies & DD was prem- so really I'm the 1 that should be buggering off & enjoy myself!!
What are men like??!!
He also did the same when I was pregnant asked me if I'd like 2 go- knowing I couldn't!!!

OP posts:

Mitmoo · 01/08/2011 11:45

Imperial He does need to be taught a lesson though, it seems he doesn't care how hard it is for mum on her own so long as he is on his snowboard. Even if she went for a pamper weekend he might get to see what it is like to be left literally holding the baby while the other parent is swanning off having their jollies.

squeakytoy · 01/08/2011 11:46

OP.. sorry to be a bit of a pedant here, but why are you typing numbers instead of words?

Mitmoo · 01/08/2011 11:47

Tinker somehow I guessed he wouldn't like it if the positions were reversed.

You are not dictating what he can do on his holiday, he can't dictate what you can do on yours.

He wants it all his own way.

MerylStrop · 01/08/2011 11:47

That was very rude of him
Tell him you want to go on a yoga retreat

emsyj · 01/08/2011 11:48

DH and I used to take separate holidays quite often before we had DD. We don't any more, because the time we have together and with DD is too precious. We only get a few weeks' holiday a year from work, so that time is too valuable whilst she is little.

But if he insists on going, and it really is his most beloved hobby, then that's fine - but you get to do the same. And no, he doesn't get to dictate where you go, who with or what you do when you get there.

Mitmoo · 01/08/2011 11:48

What does it matter squeaky?

There are so many abbreviations used on Mumsnet who cares if someone creates their own.

thenightsky · 01/08/2011 11:52

It matters because it makes it very difficult to read fluently I find.

moaningmurtle · 01/08/2011 11:52

I personally wouldn't have a problem with it, but...... We'd have to be able to afford it and I'd have to be happy I could cope etc (well out of order if you had PND last year), plus.......... he'd have to be happy that I spent 'our' money on a girls holiday without him or the kids (which would mean he'd have to look after them).

If that wasn't the case then I'd tell him to stick his snowboard where the snow won't stick!

lastonetoleaveturnoutthelights · 01/08/2011 11:53

It's fine as long as you can all afford it, and you and him get equal amounts of leisure time.

Make sure you have a week away, or two weekends, over the next few months. What you do with the time is your business.

In an way, you going away and letting Dad be in charge for a period could be one of the best things to happen to him in terms of parenting experience. It will hopefully transform his perspective, attitude and empathetic skills.

Book your weekend pronto!

Mitmoo · 01/08/2011 11:57

thenight This place is flooded with acronyms, you can't move for them. The whole site is difficult to read at first, I doubt anyone can remember the entire list of acronyms.

starfishmummy · 01/08/2011 11:58

YANBU at all. Separate holidays are fine as long as you are both happy about them (and can afford them) and it sounds like you are not happy about this so he is being selfish, especially if he doesnt want you to go away alone too.

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