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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP going on holiday??!!

46 replies

tinker316 · 01/08/2011 11:31

Earlier this year when DD was 8mo my DP went on a snowboarding trip with his friends.
I thought he was being super selfish as I was still on maternity leave & was suffering with PND :( I found that week very hard, but managed!!
But he is now planning 2 go away in January- leaving me again on my own :(
I am back at work part time & have got through the PND :)
I'm just hacked off that he is willing 2 spend alot of money 2 go away with his friends, instead of doing stuff as a family!!
He days that he can only do this sport that he loves, certain times of the year & that he is not asking much of going 1 week??!!
Sorry 4 ranting!!!!
He

OP posts:

MumblingRagDoll · 01/08/2011 12:00

I'm with Squeaky I can't take an OP seriously if there are numbers in it instead of letters.

It's more awkward to write 2 instead of to or whatever....and it is weird to read.

Original poster

tinker316 · 01/08/2011 12:03

Sorry squeaky am using app on my phone- so just a little easier!!
He does complain about money- he has a motorbike on finance plus 2 cars that he is fixing up
Money is a issue with him, he owes quite a bit of debt- so it does seem silly for him to go away, as the trips he goes on are expensive.
He has found looking after our DD hard work to look after just for 1 day whilst I have been at work
God knows how he would cope if he had to look after her for a whole week!!!! Lol!!
All I would like is a weekend spa break, just to relax & unwind!!
We are going Cornwall in September for 4 days, but I have paid for that- like everything else DD needs!!
I gladly go without as long as she has what she needs, but he wastes money & does f**k all at home
Why am I with him....???!!!!

OP posts:

Mitmoo · 01/08/2011 12:08

That's a good question tinker In debt for boys toys and booking expensive holidays. You're going to have to put your foot down, bills get paid first, then he saves so that anything he gets is matched by something for you.

It's a partnership allegedly.

PonceyMcPonce · 01/08/2011 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pootles2010 · 01/08/2011 12:13

Sorry OP sounds like there are a lot more issues here than just a holiday. He sounds like a prat to be honest.

Mitmoo · 01/08/2011 12:22

pootles seems like the holiday is just a symptom from a selfish git. I don't like him finding a day with the baby hard either. My ex was the same they give Dad's a bad name.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 01/08/2011 12:26

So it's ok for him to go away, but you should remain tied to the kitchen sink, like a good little woman?

Fuck that!

solidgoldbrass · 01/08/2011 12:30

It sounds like you need to consider, quite seriously, whether you want to continue this relationship. Because if he is spending all the family money on himself, you would be a lot better off without him, particularly as he is not contributing his time or effort, either.

Pootles2010 · 01/08/2011 12:34

He just doesn't sound very nice, or considerate. His first reaction to you wanting time away is that you'll just want to get drunk?!

He's in debt, you're paying for everything, not taking anything for yourself, whilst he's off on foreign holidays, and your child only gets four days in Cornwall? Time for a serious chat I think.

tulpe · 01/08/2011 12:35

OP, if you are intent on staying with him then I agree with others who have said he needs to grow up.

As for his comments that you would just want to "get hammered" on a week away........is he seriously telling you that a snowboarding holiday without children is a sober affair? . I ski every year and even with DCs on hols with us there is always plenty of wine flowing.

He sounds controlling and wants to have his own way. His debts are your debts and it doesn't sound as though there is much in the way of spare cash so YANBU to say he shouldn't go on this trip. He needs to address his financial situation in a mature manner first.

If you are able to get your relationship back on an even keel - including sorting out any money issues - would you want to go with DP on snow holiday?

tulpe · 01/08/2011 12:37

sorry, I meant to say that he is making his debts your debts by only using his money for his own entertainment - meaning you have to pay for everything else out of your income.

Original poster

tinker316 · 01/08/2011 12:56

Everything that has happened in the past year has made me think that I have to seriously consider our relationship.
All the childcare, food etc comes out of my wages & I have if hardly anything for myself.
I'm also fed up of doing all the cleaning & tidying up- even pisses me off when he complains about how the house is a mess, yet he won't lift a finger feels like I have 2 children at times
I don't feel like an equal partner at all- that has got to change!!

OP posts:

Pootles2010 · 01/08/2011 12:59

I think you need to sit down and have a serious chat. Try (and i know its really hard) not to get het up, just make it calm and considered.

Don't do it when you're frustrated or busy. Choose a quiet night when you're both calm, and get the the bottom of it. Sort your points out in your head, maybe present it as 'lets sort our finances out' if you say he's always moaning about it?

Mitmoo · 01/08/2011 12:59

I had one of those, personally I was far better off without him.

everlong · 01/08/2011 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loubielou31 · 01/08/2011 13:30

Good luck with your chat, it does sound as though you need discuss a lot of things.
Would it help if you wrote down the things that you most want to change and how you would like things to be. It might help you to keep your focus and not lose your temper in what in my house would quickly become a row with each of us blaming the other.

On a different note, if he finds DD difficult to look after he must need more practice, starting with a few days out and leading up to a weekend away for you.

HedleyLamarr · 01/08/2011 13:33

What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. I would book your spa weekend and leave your DD with him. He needs to experience how much hard work it is.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 01/08/2011 13:36

My ex got into loads of debt buying boys toys like mini motos and other shit things, plus went away with the blokes leaving me at home. He ended up with bailiffs chasing him. No idea what happened to this debt because he's now my EX - his selfishness and inability to manage money was not the only reason why, but a contributing factor. He's never even bothered to see DS, which just proves exactly how selfish he is imo.

mummytime · 01/08/2011 13:39

You need to really look at this. He can't afford to go snowboarding, the only reason it seems he can find the money is because you are funding most things. I would suggest you investigate the maintenance he would have to pay through the CSA, as a starting place.
More relationships break up over financial issues than anything else.
He should be sharing the child care, the cleaning, the cost of family holidays etc.

MerylStrop · 01/08/2011 13:41

yep, time for a Big Chat I reckon

mummymeister · 01/08/2011 13:49

Sometimes you need a catalyst to kick off the discussion as Meryl says above. my dh has a long weekend away every year without me and i do the same. any other way and it is just plain selfish imo. get a brochure on somewhere you want to go, sit him down and tell him that you are going to book x week away with your best friend and he needs to organise himself to look after HIS child whilst you are away. Then tell him firmly you are fed up that he thinks his money is his and yours is the familys and that you want to have a joint account in addition to your own bank accounts. remember if you are married his debt becomes yours so get it sorted now. Don't wait a couple of years by which time you will have a couple of kids, be struggling to make ends meet and have a "partner" who swans off when he wants and won't contribute. also show him some of these posts.

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