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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for help - timeout chaos! Is Supernanny out there?

29 replies

LifeIsButtercream · 29/07/2011 17:06

WWYD?
My DD is 2, she has been in time out for 2 hours (yep thats hours). She was put in time out for hitting and I've been going to her every 2 minutes (according to egg timer) and explaining to her why she is there and asking her to say sorry. She knows what sorry means and usually says it happily then its back to normal.

Today my requests for a sorry are met with a point-blank "no". Or I'm laughed at...........

I feel like I can't back down and let her off the step because she will only learn that I eventually give up and she doesnt have to apologise for her actions. She isn't distressed, just sitting there humming to herself.

WWYD? I mean, I know she is stubborn, but this is riduculous! Her tea is sitting her getting cold.

FWIW, I do know that I'm a rubbish mum!

OP posts:
2shoes · 29/07/2011 17:07

2 hours. will she even remember what she did by now

Original poster
LifeIsButtercream · 29/07/2011 17:10

I hope so 2shoes as I've been reminding her every 2 minutes (the old "Mummy put you on the naughty step because you X,Y,Z and I would like you to say sorry"

OP posts:
2shoes · 29/07/2011 17:11

sorry am shocked, as you might have guessed I know nothing about naughty steps, but surely 2 hours is too long.

Original poster
LifeIsButtercream · 29/07/2011 17:13

I know, me too 2shoes I might have to try a different tactic in future, I'm stuck as I don't know what to do next, she seems quite happy to sit on there for the rest of her life rather than apologise.....

OP posts:
lenak · 29/07/2011 17:13

The punishment is the time out - saying sorry is nice but not part of the punishment.

All you are doing now is punishing her for not saying sorry - not for what she originally did.

It also sounds like she thinks it is a great attention seeking game.

Give her a hug, get her to eat her tea and then get her PJ's on ready for bed and have a nice cuddle.

wineandroses · 29/07/2011 17:15

2 hours is much too long and clearly it's not working. You need to try a different tactic - personally I don't like naughty steps and time-outs, I prefer using reward charts etc, they certainly work in our house.

TotalChaos · 29/07/2011 17:15

don't get locked into power battles with a 2 year old. being unreasonable is pretty inherent in being a toddler. as I understand (never did time out as my child was developmentally delayed at that age so wouldn't have got the concept) you are meant to do it for at most a minute for each year of a child's age.

TotalChaos · 29/07/2011 17:16

I think 2 is too young to get hung up on saying "sorry" btw. Encourage it by all means, but no point getting at daggers drawn about it.

MamaChocoholic · 29/07/2011 17:16

I especially hate the sorry bit at the end of timeouts. at 2, my ds was so stubborn he would have sat there for hours too. I would let her off the step.

FreudianSlipper · 29/07/2011 17:21

she is 2 she does not understand the concept of timeout, naughty step, saying sorry or long explanations. most children hit out at that age, you ignore them and take them out of a situation if they are harming other children adn once they have calmed down explain what they did was wrong very briefly, but do not expect them to never do it again

and really make your life easier pick your battles, sometimes it is not worth standing your ground especially when they are at an age when they can not communicate what they are really feeling. jsut because you do not stand you ground does not mean you will end up with an unruly child

Tchootnika · 29/07/2011 17:22

FWIW, I do know that I'm a rubbish mum!

No, you are not!!

But as has been said, 2 hours is an eternity for a 2yo.
For your DD, the past is a different country, etc...
By now, she won't remember (or care about) the original reason for TO. She will know that she's in an 'oh yes it is'/'no it isn't' game, and she's completely at the age where she's got a lot more stamina and interest in those games than you have...

Maybe a sterner approach to TO for first 10 mins or so (i.e. no requests for 'sorry', so that you're not asking for anything, just letting her know she's done wrong), then back to normal more quickly?

noblegiraffe · 29/07/2011 17:22

Just read the wikipedia page on time out and no where does it say that a sorry is required for release from time out.

What, for you is the purpose of the time out? To get her to calm down? To remove her from the situation? Because if you are attempting to get a two year old to reflect on her actions, be genuinely repentant and offer an honest 'sorry' after two minutes, I think your expectations are a bit high.

When you say she knows what sorry means, she probably think it means 'what I have to say to finish a time-out', or what you say when you do something bad. She's not actually sorry, so why force her to say it?

FreudianSlipper · 29/07/2011 17:23

and no you are not a rubbish mum, look up on other parenting advice other than supernanny you may find something that you are happier with and suits you needs. and many child behavioural psychologists do not agree with her tactics

loiner45 · 29/07/2011 17:26

Time out is supposed to be one minute for each year of their age... at that point I would let them off the step - but I never found time outs very useful, I tried to use star charts.
I was a rubbish mother too - but mine seem to have survived to adulthood OK and are all very nice people now :-)

BertieBotts · 29/07/2011 17:28

Don't let the "method" override common sense.

MamaChocoholic · 29/07/2011 17:32

noble that is how supernanny implements it, with a compulsory "sorry" - see here

noblegiraffe · 29/07/2011 17:37

I also note that that supernanny site says that you should start using the naughty step when your child is 3.

Good to know that even supernanny doesn't attempt to get a 'genuine apology' from a two year old.

Maryz · 29/07/2011 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrangeHat · 29/07/2011 18:06

Oh dear it's turned into a fun game for her! Attention every two minutes with you going to and fro and to and fro...

Let her off and call it a day IMO. You may want to rethink your punishment!

Is she just 2 or nearly 3? Our just 2yo wouldn't really know what was going on, although I have put her behind the stairgate in her room a couple of times (for biting, yikes) and although she did say "orree" when prompted afterwards I don't think she really knew what it was all about. If she is only just 2 I think your aims may be a bit high.

hellospoon · 29/07/2011 18:40

ok, this is what i would do.

2 minutes on the step for bad behaviour. If she doesn't complete a FULL 2 minutes within 30 minutes you explain that as she hasn't done a full 2 minutes you are confiscating favorite toy or no time watching TV, whatever is a luxury for her for the rest of the day.

she will soon learn 2 minutes is alot less than a whole day of no favorite item

hellospoon · 29/07/2011 18:40

meant to put on the end - 2 hours is far to long it is just a battle of wills now and you need to ensure she knows you are boss

MamaChocoholic · 29/07/2011 18:56

I think the supernanny program makes a big thing out of not giving in. you get the voiceover "after returning Dennis to the step an amazing gazillion times over an exhausting twelvety-ten hours, he finally sits quietly and apologises" as if this is the way a successful parent is supposed to treat their child. this may be what is needed to make tv break a child whose behaviour is unmanageable within the timeframe allowed by the schedule, but imho (and I'm still working out this parenting business) something like hellospoon says is going to work better in the long run. after all, I don't actually want to break my child's will, I want to (help him to) control it a little.

LaWeasel · 29/07/2011 19:01

Please don't feel like you are rubbish.

Lots of people do naughty stepping with 2yos, and yes the whole "you must say sorry" thing that supernanny does really doesn't seem to work very well at this age. They are just too stubborn for it.

I have a 2yo DD and have two approaches to time outs. One is to do it, then go back to her, explain reasoning and say "are you sorry?" - you are way more likely to get a yes than a sorry if they are being silly.

The other is to judge that the reason she is being so badly behaved is that she is over-tired and put her straight to bed, regardless of the time.

2shoes · 29/07/2011 19:04

op your not rubbish, sound like your dd wasn't upset, have a cuddle with her and open the wine.

LynetteScavo · 29/07/2011 19:09

You are not rubbish.

You are searching for ways to raise/discipline your DD, and are finding them on the TV, rather than freinds/family....supersnanny methods don't always work...the producers only show you the bits that do.

Time out would not have worked with my boys. It worked with DD.....she could have appeared on TV!

Get her off the step.

Give her tea, bath and bed.

Start again tomorrow.

And don't bother with the "I'm sorry" bit at the end of time out. DD was happy to oblige, but really with hidsight it's a bit stomach churning.

Oh, and someone very wise once said...children who are happy to sit for a time out, aren't naughty enough to need a time out.