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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to think this isnt right?

39 replies

AlishasAttic · 25/07/2011 15:23

hi all
Me and my friend have daughters the same age ,9 and are good friends.
My friend has 6 dc i have 1.
Any hoo we often have said daughters friend round to play and to tea etc ,and sometimes we go out aswell ,well the first couple of times we payed for daughters friend to go play centres swimming etc ,the thing is her mother never offers any thing spends wise etc and i have asked in a round about way if the child wants to come can she pay for herself, the most recent time was last week we went out to a theme park which i said would cost £15.the night before we went i recieved a last minute text saying no she cant come i cant afford it.

Anyway the friday after said friend was at school gates she had just been for a spray tan false nails etc i asked casually as it was last day of term did u get anything for teacher?she replied no its money isnt it wtf?

There is so much more to this story and in case you were wondering yes she and husband are on benefits the higher rate due to carers allowance etc

opinions please!

OP posts:
manicbmc · 25/07/2011 15:25

Really it's their money and if they choose to fritter it on fakery it's up to them. Try planning some free or inexpensive days out so you don't have to ask for money.

It is sad that they'd rather spend on crap than on their kids but some people are just like that.

stillstanding · 25/07/2011 15:26

Honestly, this would bother me. But really it isn't any of our business what she spends her money on.

LaurieFairyCake · 25/07/2011 15:27

Opinions on what?

It's her money, if she doesn't want to spend it on sending her child to a theme park and instead a fake tan for her then it's up to her - for all you know the child may have had plenty spent on her and it could be the only money the mum's spent on herself for ages.

If you can't afford to pay for another childs activities then don't - it's that simple.

sleepindogz · 25/07/2011 15:29

like the parents i know who wouldnt send their kid on the school trip cos they couldnt afford it - yet both smoke like troopers!

but its nowt to do with you, same as that was nowt to do with me :)

Original poster
AlishasAttic · 25/07/2011 15:29

ive tried that manic.
Trips to the park etc and local youth club at £1.50 each ,
daughters friend says she doesnt like the atmosphere at youth club and they get chased by older kids at the parks ,my little one is sen so an easy target for bullies.

OP posts:
bubblesincoffee · 25/07/2011 15:30

My opinion is that if you are on benefits you shouldn't be able to afford spray tans, false nails or a theme park trip cosing £15 for one dc when you have 6 of them. But, it's really none of my business, or yours, what other people choose to spend their money on, they are obviously entiltled to what they get, it's just that imo they must be getting too much.

Callisto · 25/07/2011 15:30

I didn't get anything for DD's teachers and it isn't anything that I can ever see myself doing. DH and I both work if that has anything to do with it. How someone spends their money is up to them, especially if buying unwanted and unnecessary presents for random people. It is sad that she would rather spend money on herself than her children though.

IAmTheCookieMonster · 25/07/2011 15:31

I think that her finances are her concern. If you choose to take her daughter out and pay for her you should do so graciously and its a bonus if she offers you money for it. She is not a scrounger for being on carers benefit, she is caring for someone which is physically and emotionally draining and you are criticising her for having a spray tan and nails to cheer herself up. For all you know she could have been treated with that.

I'd keep your nose out, or if you are so concerned about her offer her some respite and support!

HappyMummyOfOne · 25/07/2011 15:33

Its sad when people would rather spend money on themselves than their children but theres nothing you can do about it.

Its nice that you try and include the child though where possible as it may be the only treat she gets.

Original poster
AlishasAttic · 25/07/2011 15:34

Erm no its a regular thing ,the mum has these treats every fortnight or so ,said child has ill fitting shoes holes in them etc and when isnt at school doesnt have lunch and when comes to ours is often starving!!!

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 25/07/2011 15:34

Don't forget you live week to week on benefits. You could be skint one day, and have full benefits the next. It really is a case of being good at budgeting if you want to be able to afford treats

Also, maybe she had been bought vouchers?

sleepindogz · 25/07/2011 15:35

well if the kids arent being fed, thats another matter and the social services need to be alerted

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 25/07/2011 15:39

It's not unusual for people to be selfish, although it's always sad when it's a parent being selfish at the expense of their children.

What are you after in terms of a response? A witch hunt? Do you want to know whether or not you should continue allowing your DD to consort with her friend? Not sure what you want from this really.Confused

YANBU to expect that the other child should be paid for by her own parent once in a while though, if that was the main thrust of your post.

Original poster
AlishasAttic · 25/07/2011 15:45

yes that was the point thumbs.
for her to offer some contribution once in a while.

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 25/07/2011 15:48

oh so you're just having a bitch. you dont want advice?

AbbyAbsinthe · 25/07/2011 15:56

It's pretty simple really - they're not going to stump up any money, so if you want to take the child with you, you will need to pay. If you don't want to, you'll have to stop taking her.

There is an underlying... something I don't like on this thread. Parents are entitled to spend money on themselves occasionally!

Birdsgottafly · 25/07/2011 16:07

If she spends on one then she has to do the same for the others, so £15 turns into £90.

Her spending is nothing to do with you, if you feel that severe neglect is happening then inform the right people.

You will just have to take your child out without her or pay once in a while. I don't understand how they are getting chased in the park if you are with them.

FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 25/07/2011 16:12

Meh. Sounds like poor prioritising but you should MYOB really!

BabyDubsEverywhere · 25/07/2011 16:19

hmm, I know lots of parents like this round my way. I wouldnt keep paying for someone elses child either, my money goes on my kids. Just tell your DD to choose another friend to be taken out with, one whos parents are willin to put their hands in their pockets. ''DD ask X (she looks well cared for and her parents might have the self respect to pay for her) if she wants to join you at Alton Towers (or whatever), She'll need X for entrance and some money for food/treats'' - Done :)

Journey · 25/07/2011 16:22

I think if you invite a child you should expect to pay for them unless you're upfront and say otherwise.

I don't get the bit about "what did you get the teacher" What's the relevance in that.

It's none of your business what she spends her money on.

TheSecondComing · 25/07/2011 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealTillyMinto · 25/07/2011 16:39

it depends...she might be working hard looking after someone really well, in which case the spending money on herself might just be a way of keeping sane....or she might be a free loader generally & you are just another potential source of free stuff.

Scholes34 · 25/07/2011 16:42

If you have just the one DC, what you're effectively paying for is company for your child for the day, and if this friends seldom has treats, you're being very kind to the child (not the parents).

saladsandwich · 25/07/2011 16:43

a spray tan once a fortnight might be the only thing she gets for herself looking after 6 children and one with higher rate care needs. i use to work in schools and usually i use to get about 4 or 5 gifts and then we would get a few tins of chocolates to share amongst the staff, not everyone buys gifts and tbh i think they are totally unecessary and if she has 6 children in school thats 6 presents! i think you need to just take your dd to trips and just invite her friend round for tea? xx

gramercy · 25/07/2011 16:47

dh's parents were like this - and they were both in full-time jobs.

mil used to go to the hairdresser's every week, dress in Jaeger and Country Casuals but dh couldn't have a bike or go on school trips. In fact one year he was the only person not to go on a trip to the beach, yet there was mil having her usual shampoo and set with not an iota of guilt.

I would rather forage in rubbish bins than see the dcs go without (not theme parks, I hasten to add, but such things as school trips).