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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to think this isnt right?

39 replies

AlishasAttic · 25/07/2011 15:23

hi all
Me and my friend have daughters the same age ,9 and are good friends.
My friend has 6 dc i have 1.
Any hoo we often have said daughters friend round to play and to tea etc ,and sometimes we go out aswell ,well the first couple of times we payed for daughters friend to go play centres swimming etc ,the thing is her mother never offers any thing spends wise etc and i have asked in a round about way if the child wants to come can she pay for herself, the most recent time was last week we went out to a theme park which i said would cost £15.the night before we went i recieved a last minute text saying no she cant come i cant afford it.

Anyway the friday after said friend was at school gates she had just been for a spray tan false nails etc i asked casually as it was last day of term did u get anything for teacher?she replied no its money isnt it wtf?

There is so much more to this story and in case you were wondering yes she and husband are on benefits the higher rate due to carers allowance etc

opinions please!

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 25/07/2011 16:48

Yeah but if she's got 6 kids, then it would be unfair perhaps to pay for outings for just one, and leave less cash to spend on all of them?

Teacher's present - yes that would be nice but six of them? That's where the pennies start to pinch.

janetsplanet · 25/07/2011 16:55

i also don't see whats wrong with the spray tan, just because she is on carers allowance. that allowance is her 'wage'. she isnt working because of her caring role, instead she gets 'paid' with carers allowance.
I'm on carers so I try and treat myself to a weekly pub lunch with a friend of mine. I also didnt buy teacher gifts either

5Foot5 · 25/07/2011 17:01

I am with Journey on this. If you invite another child out with you then I think you should expect to pay yourself. If the boot was on the other foot wouldn't you be a bit irritated if someone else organised an expensive day out and then expected you to stump up?

Surely you can still find other outings that cost next to nothing that they will both enjoy.

GypsyMoth · 25/07/2011 18:59

They are on benefits therefore entitled to free sch meals. Yet you say not??

skybluepearl · 25/07/2011 19:18

my friend and i all pay for eachothers kids to do activities but it all works out quite fair in the end. if it was all one way and i felt put on then i would probably do cheap or free things with that specific child

ragged · 25/07/2011 19:24

I'm not sure what you want to hear OP.
I'd feel pretty & :( about what you describe, too.
But if you've invited the child you should pay up, and don't invite her if you can't afford to pay (or plan for cheaper activities). Because it's the gracious thing to do; your DD would choose to do it if the money was hers to spend on a friend.

It's their bad Karma if their priorities are a bit warped.

eaglewings · 25/07/2011 19:31

Near us you can have your nails done, spray tan applied and all your girly hair removed at the fraction of the price at the beauty college. Maybe that's where the girl's mum goes too?
I have been told by my dr to have a treat every week as I'm too I'll to work and am a carer for a child with special needs. Want to have a go at my spending habits too?

eaglewings · 25/07/2011 19:32

Ill not I'll!

hairfullofsnakes · 25/07/2011 19:32

Well op I think this mother sounds selfish - holey shoes on her child and false nails on her hands sounds wrong to me. Selfish woman - I can just imagine what she is like - het poor kids.

hairfullofsnakes · 25/07/2011 19:34

C'mon eagle that's a bit unfair to the op - I am sure you would not leave your kids with holey shoes or going round to a friend always hungry?!

OriginalPoster · 25/07/2011 19:48

Are you sure about all your facts? Things are not always as they seem.
She may have friends who will do tan and nails in exchange for babysitting or ironing or whatever. Her dh if she has one, may control her finances, there may be problems with addiction.

If you are worried about serious child neglect, you can help her or report your concerns. I am presuming you're not jealous of her situation, which sounds like hard work especially with being a carer.

Next time she says she can't afford something you could ask if it is hard for them to get by on their benefits, and see if she opens up.

GypsyMoth · 25/07/2011 21:59

holey shoes allover our school last week....being so close to end of term!! rubbish,op just wants a bitching session

Chummybud1 · 25/07/2011 22:07

Maybe it's her policy not to give one of her children and not the rest, if you grudgeaying for her child don't invite her, as for being a scrounged she is a carer, the old benefit argument on mumsnet is wearing a bit thin. Just maybe she doesn't buy the teacher because again she would need to buy 6 teachers. Just maybe the stay tan was a birthday gift or the only thing she does for herself. Carers need things like this tp ice them up as it's a very hard difficult wearing job. I don't think I would like a friend who notices everything I do and then runs me down because of it.

fedupofnamechanging · 25/07/2011 22:28

I used to buy the teachers a gift at the end of every school year, then started reading on MN about how they don't want 20 boxes of chocolates, so now I don't bother, unless the teacher has been particularly good with my child.

I think it's wrong for a parent to spend on themselves and keep their kids short of decent clothes but something about this thread is making me feel uneasy. I think it's that a lot of judgements are being made by the OP on relatively little actual knowledge.

You don't know what she pays for her tan/nails. She might have a mate who does them cheaply. 2)Her DC might be wearing old shoes just to play out in, or might be the kind of kids who wreck new shoes within weeks and the mum can't keep up with replacing them.
You can't assume that her kids are not being fed. My DC forget what they've eaten the moment they've swallowed the last mouthful! Growing DC are always starving and won't turn down extra food if it's offered.
Not going on trips doesn't always mean that the parents are with holding money. My son hates theme parks and actively chooses not to go on school trips that he won't enjoy.
She might have expenses/obligations that are private and she doesn't wish to share with you.

She well might be taking the piss and spending on herself at the expense of her DC, but otoh, you can't know that from the outside. Things are not always as they might appear.

There is a big difference between meeting the costs of one child and meeting the costs of six. Could be that she can't afford the theme parks or doesn't want to constantly treat one child at the expense of the other five.

I can't help thinking you would be viewing this a little less judgementally if she wasn't in receipt of benefits.

I think that as you mind paying for her child, then stop doing it. Or you could just view it as something you do for your DD, so she can have the company of her friend.

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