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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that mums get overinvolved?

41 replies

joric · 23/07/2011 08:31

I have just been reading another thread and get the feeling that I stand alone in the belief that children learn a lot from making their own friendships at school without the constant interference from parents.

That when primary school comes to an end for example, it is a matter of end of an era that doesn't require a load of hysterics from either side.

excellently summed up by someone on thread I was reading who said:
'You really aren't doing your kids any favours by turning every life event into a hand wringing excuse for a nervous breakdown'

WDYT?!

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Original poster
joric · 23/07/2011 08:32

Actually, I don't think I stand alone... but want to hear views from both sides!!! :)

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Sirzy · 23/07/2011 08:34

I agree with your first point.

But I think it's understandable that leaving primary school would be a big and emotional event for the child and parents.

Original poster
joric · 23/07/2011 08:39

But this kind of life event are as big and emotional as they are made to be I think! I don't think allowing children to wind themselves up into an emotional frenzy is particularly good.

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Happymm · 23/07/2011 08:39

True, but you shouldn't belittle people's feelings as their children end primary. Am sure I will have a tear in my eye (or two) when the time comes, and my baby comes up to being a teenager....and all the deliciousness that comes with that :o

fastweb · 23/07/2011 08:40

I haven't had any personal experience, my son's social life is generally quite sunny, certainly nothing has happened that needed more than offering an ear to vent into on my part.

But I can imagine that if your child is struggling it must be intensely painful so I can't really judge parents harshly for wanting to try to reduce the pain and hurt their child is feeling. The help might not work, or may even hinder, but I do understand why they might feel the need to step in.

I not sure it is always a bad thing, to some degree, to grow up knowing that they have your back. Maybe a refusal to get involved can lead to intense loneliness and feeling isolated ?

Possibly the ideal would be balance, being willing to get involved on some level, but not trying to be the complete answer to all ills and making sure that involvement is restricted only to the more serious scenarios. Steering clear of stepping in for squabbles for example.

Original poster
joric · 23/07/2011 08:41

No happym, I don't mean to belittle feelings, just for a bit of perspective- a tear in the eye is natural but hysterics is OTT!
All sorts of situations not just leaving school.

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Sirzy · 23/07/2011 08:43

Why isn't it? It's not going to do them any harm in the long run.

They are leaving the security of primary school to go back to being the little ones in generally a much bigger setting

They are often leaving friends who are going to school elsewhere

It is a scary, emotional time really. The realisation that you are growing up, or for the parents the realisation there child is growing up.

Collision · 23/07/2011 08:44

yes I agree

When classes are mixed up for example and your child is not with all the friends he chose - this does not mean that parents should become overly involved and have a go at the HT.

Children do adapt to situations esp if we are supportive and not hysterical!

ProfYaffle · 23/07/2011 08:48

I can see both sides. When my youngest left nursery this week I was really shocked at the strength of my feeling when we drove away for the last time, it came totally out of the blue!

However, my Mum is of the 'hand wringing' variety, more so where the dgc are concerned than when I was a child, and it drives me demented. I worry it will make my dc feel guilty for growing up.

Original poster
joric · 23/07/2011 08:51

Hmm, collision! This has just happened at DD school!
Parents were literally lining up to have a go discuss with HT.
My view is that when children see this they are taught to believe that when things don't exactly suit them they can cause a massive fuss.

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Chummybud1 · 23/07/2011 08:53

I never really treated the leaving of primary school as a big deal. My dd went throughout it 2 years ago and my ds this year. Life it about moving on, it's natural and if it becomes a big deal at that age then moving up the level of life will always be traumatic. I did however shed a private tear

fedupofnamechanging · 23/07/2011 08:53

My DS2 has just finished Primary school, which his class marked with a special leavers assembly and the teacher gave each child a year book, signed by all the teachers. The teacher put a lot of (much appreciated) work into it. It was lovely and I defy any parent/child, to not feel a bit emotional. They have known these teachers since they were tiny. It is a big deal going from being the biggest in the school to being the babies again.

It's right to celebrate and make a big deal of their leaving because these kids have been a huge part of their Primary school communities. It's a big deal to them.

I also can't see any harm in helping your DC make friends. That's the purpose of 'play dates' and taking your DC to parties. I agree that on the whole they should sort out day to day disagreements themselves, but if they are struggling with big problems, it's right that as a parent you should try to resolve difficulties.

Original poster
joric · 23/07/2011 08:55

Prof, I felt exactly the same but turned it into positive with DD.. Start of new Sch, new opportunities etc... I think that children can become a bit fearful if a parent starts wailing and panicking .. Sets the children off.

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fedupofnamechanging · 23/07/2011 08:57

I feel like weeping and wailing at the cost of the new school uniform for Secondary Grin

Esta3GG · 23/07/2011 08:58

I agree that some parents proabably need to be more hands off and let kids work things out for themselves.
Children, even very young ones, are very capable of resolving many situations themselves without parental intervention.
There was only one occasion when my mum said she was going to have a word with the headteacher about something. I hated the thought of her coming to school - I had loads of sleepless nights over it and begged her to keep away.

Original poster
joric · 23/07/2011 08:58

Karma, I agree with everything you have said- it's tha OTT I am talking about.

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Sirzy · 23/07/2011 08:59

Just because that is how you and your children deal with something doesn't mean it is any better than how other families do.

So what is a parent encourages there child to not bottle up the emotion and they get upset about leaving. That doesn't make them a worse parent, they would simply be responding to the child's need. If the parents are themselves emotional them having a cry won't harm the child.

That doesn't mean they are being negative about the move, just seeing if for the big that it is.

There is no right or wrong in a situation like this.

Original poster
joric · 23/07/2011 08:59

Karma, get a grip!!! :o
:)

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Ephiny · 23/07/2011 09:01

I think things like leaving Primary school are much more of a big emotional issue for the parents than the children! I don't remember being bothered at all about leaving - was quite excited about starting at 'big school'.

It doesn't mean children never seeing their friends again either, even if they don't all go to the same school. If they're good enough friends, surely they'll make arrangements to see each other outside of school? And I have no idea why parents would complain about children not being in the same class as their friends - surely they shouldn't be socialising and chatting during classtime anyway!

I do think parents worry far too much about their children having a full and busy 'social life' - even at a very early age (e.g. 4 years old!). It's not necessary for everyone, especially when so young, I've certainly gone through periods in my life as both a child and an adult of having few/no friends, and the world doesn't end. If anything it makes you more self-reliant!

Original poster
joric · 23/07/2011 09:05

Sirzy, feeling sad at end of era, feeling annoyed at decisions made at school or friendship fallouts- I understand it.
Whipping situations up into a full blown sobbing, wailing, marching into school frenzy- I do not get!!!

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fastweb · 23/07/2011 09:06

I think I misread the question somewhat.

My son is transitioning from 2 years HE to middle school. Because the main reason he wants to go back to school is social in nature, and related to his specific group of friends, I have asked the HT to see if she can slot him in a class with one of his mates to help soften the huge change a bit and avoid a massive dip in motivation the minute he walks through the door.

But I have made it clear that if she can't manage that then he should still give the option to return a fair crack of the whip, because he has never had any real problem making friends. Not to mention that the friends he wants to be with aren't from his former class, so it is possible that after a few months at school he could find that his main friends are no longer the ones he returned to the school system to be with.

I have his back as far as I can, but I'm not willing to force the world to mold perfectly around his desires. He has to learn that asking is OK, but demanding is not, and gracefully living with requests being turned down is part of the asking process.

I'm not sure that would be so easy for me if he wasn't as socially at ease as he is.

Original poster
joric · 23/07/2011 09:08

Ephiny - agree totally - especially that a lot of things are actually a bigger deal for the parent than for the child.

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MumblingRagDoll · 23/07/2011 09:09

I have always thought this and I do think most parents think the same but there are always a few weirdo's who try and manage the kids friendships

This never happened when I was at school....we were left to it from an early age. If my DD (7) makes a friend a school or grows close to someone new, I usually just try to connect with the childs Mum or Dad at school so we can arrange a playdate...I neiher encourge or discourge the friendship.

Original poster
joric · 23/07/2011 09:12

Fastweb - you said what I feel perfectly
I have his back as far as I can, but I'm not willing to force the world to mold perfectly around his desires. He has to learn that asking is OK, but demanding is not, and gracefully living with requests being turned down is part of the asking process.

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Original poster
joric · 23/07/2011 09:15

Mumbling, me too but then I find myself feeling bad because I'm not. 'celebrating' every tiny achievement with trumpets and balloons or filling every second with fun and activity for my DD and her 'vetted' friends :( !!!!

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