Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off a guy for these reasons?

33 replies

TheLastSong · 19/07/2011 20:01

I met a guy at work just before christmas. I'd known him a while but never thought of him as anything over than a colleague. Anyway he asked me out for a drink and during this drink he told me he used to be morbidly obese. I reacted with "wow you've done so well to lose it all!" and he reluctantly admitted then that he'd had a gastric band 3 years ago and that's how he lost the weight. I tried not to dwell on this on just concentrate on the person he is now. So we arranged to go out again and this time he decided to come clean and admit that actually it wasn't a gastric band, it was a gastric bypass but he lied as the bypass somehow seemed worse Hmm the lying was a massive red flag tbh but I gave him the benefit of the doubt as he'd come clean so quickly. Anyway to the point, when I first got with him after christmas he weighed 14.2stone. I can't help but notice that all he ever seems to do is snack on biscuits and crisps. He weighed himself on my new scales this morning and he now weighs 15st. He admitted that he'd had a lot to eat recently and needed to cut down. It then came out that he's been buying huge take-away deals such as "one 10" pizza, one large chicken kebab with chips, one 1/2lb cheese burger with chips, one garlic bread and one large bottle of coke for £15" for himself and his son around once a fortnight, sometimes weekly.

Why the hell would anyone eat like this after having such drastic weight loss surgery???

Another worry is that he told me he was declared bankrupt 3 years ago. He got thousands of pounds worth of debt wiped off and now I find out he recently took out a provident loan which he didn't pay for months and once that all blew up he paid it off and has, in the past few weeks been applying for more loans, credit cards and car finance.

He never seems to learn his lesson no matter how bad things get! Now to me, he's really nice, we have fun, he is funny and I like him a lot and I know this other stuff is really nothing to do with me but AIBU to find it all a bit off-putting?? I mean, how many times can a person royally cock up before learning his or her lesson??

OP posts:
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 19/07/2011 20:04

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not in a position to judge people on food matters, but do you REALLY want to be saddled with someone so reckless, selfish, immature and irresponsible with money?? You would instantly be transported into the role of "main worrier."

catgirl1976 · 19/07/2011 20:05

The money / debt issues worry me more than the weight, but I think both suggest someone who lacks control and self discipline. It would put me off tbh.

Mare11bp · 19/07/2011 20:05

Indeed....your last sentence hits the nail on the head.

With the eating and the loans he has an addictive personality clearly but worse than that he cannot manage it.

This has the potential to be so problematic I would cut your losses and run.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 19/07/2011 20:06

Because weight loss surgery doesn't cure you if your problem is compulsive, emotional, overeating. Your problem is still there. Because your problem is in your mind.

He can't control himself. When he was forced to eat practically nothing, he had no choice. Bring back in any choice at all, and his actual problem is right back there.

Put that with the bankruptcy and taking on debt again and you have someone who can't exercise any control and cannot learn from his mistakes.

Or sacrifice what he wants right here and now because it's not the sensible thing.

You have to have a think about what that might mean if you were in a relationship with him. How is he likely to be? How might this affect you? Is it worth it?

Of course, if you're just keeping it casual, and you like his company, then there's no problem. Just enjoy being with him.

Well. No problem for you I mean. Obviously he is heading up shit creek in a concrete canoe.

MaureenMLove · 19/07/2011 20:06

Agree, worry less about the weight and more about what if he takes out another loan, using your address!

Move on. But I think since you are questioning it, you know that already..... Smile

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 19/07/2011 20:06

are you seeing him romantically? Sorry if stupid, but couldn't quite work this one out.

If you are - sorry, but I do feel that there are a lot of red flags coming up here. He's not got self-control and sounds as if he has a fairly addictive personality.

The weight is probably immaterial - I don't think I'd be put off somebody who was that large, but if it continues on an upward trajectory, frankly I woudl find it a problem, inasmuch as I would not be totally comfortable with such a lack of self-control
(admits I am an anal control freak, fair enough...)

He has lied to you, he has little control, can't manage money and appears addicted to spelling.

What else do you want me to point out? Sorry m'dear, but I woudl be really cautious about this one...

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 19/07/2011 20:07

^addicted to spending.

But you knew I meant that, of course. Grin

Original poster
TheLastSong · 19/07/2011 20:11

Funnily enough he did tell me he used to have a problem with gambling too. I don't know if that is still a problem or not. I just don't understand him because when we talk he KNOWS what he needs to do. For instance he says "right, I need to watch what I eat so I'm going to do a healthy shop and not buy any crap it at all - if its not there, I can't eat it" so he does - and then 3 days later he drives to tesco and buys a load of junk or he goes on JustEat and orders a huge take-away.

About the debt he says "right I know I need to pay off my credit card before it gets out of hand" (to be fair, he's already maxed it out so I'd say that was already out of hand!) and he pays off £50 - then the next minute he orders £45 worth of silly things that he doesn't need.

OP posts:
itisnearlysummer · 19/07/2011 20:12

Well I'm not going to be quite so PC as everybody else!

In this case, I don't see any difference between his financial issues or his weight.

He is a man who has little or no self control, is selfish and self indulgent.

Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

thebestisyettocome · 19/07/2011 20:13

He likes to push the self-destruct button.

I would avoid.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 19/07/2011 20:13

Don't date this man FFS. You can be a friendly work colleague if you like, but anything more is just asking for trouble. He's a mess, with no impulse control and no common sense, and getting involved with him will drag you into the sort of mental and financial mess that can take years to clear up.
It is not possible to 'cure' this sort of irresponsible/addict behaviour with love 'n' patience 'n' understanding, just DON'T GO THERE. And if you do have secret fantasies about being able to the one who comes to the rescue all the time, try to ditch them.

Original poster
TheLastSong · 19/07/2011 20:13

I don't want to be cast into the role of "mum" - constantly keeping an eye on him and telling him off when he's naughty. He's already said to me "I'm going to give you my credit card so that I can't spend on it and you're only to give me it back in emergencies" but isn't that instantly making ME responsible for his debt with said card?

OP posts:
itisnearlysummer · 19/07/2011 20:14

Unfortunately, though, knowing what you need to do and doing what you need to do aren't always the same thing.

You can't sort this man out and you don't have enough invested in him already to make it worth your while getting involved.

Might sound harsh, but having been there and done that, I wouldn't do it again.

bigTillyMint · 19/07/2011 20:14

Time to wave goodbye, I'd say!

itisnearlysummer · 19/07/2011 20:15

I think you have your answer! Grin

Piggles · 19/07/2011 20:18

So he has no self-control or restraint and is incapable of managing money?

I'd find some hills and run for them.

ENormaSnob · 19/07/2011 20:19

Run like fuck.

TheMonster · 19/07/2011 20:20

He sounds like a male version of me, to be honest.
I feel sorry for him: he has problems. You are not the person to help him work through them.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 19/07/2011 20:23

There really are few things sexier than a man offering to put you in charge of impulses he can't control by himself Hmm

ll31 · 19/07/2011 20:23

wasn't there another thread like this few weeks ago - maybe check back on that.. maybe there was some good advice there

Kewcumber · 19/07/2011 20:31

itissummer - bollocks there is no correlation between massively overweight andmoney problems. Otehrwise I'd be a pretty shit very overweight finance director and I'm not - I'm shit hot Wink

The two are not linked.

You don't know enough about weight loss surgery to know that his behaviour whilst not exactly normal isn't that unusual - they don;t operate on your brain only your stomach. Whether you have a problme with that is really your call.

The money thing would always be a deal breaker for me though. Perpetual teenagers who can;t manage their money and always want something they can't afford irritate the shit out of me. (sorry Bodyof Eyeore but its true in my case)

His poor diet won't necessarily impact your life if he were your partner (unless it irritated you too much) but I suspect his money problmes would very swiftly become your problme too.

Original poster
TheLastSong · 19/07/2011 20:35

The thing is the money thing is kind of connected with the food thing. I mean only this weekend he was asking me if I had any idea of how to make some extra money as he was desperately in need of sorting his budget out - yet he spends £15 on take-aways.

I wouldn't dream of spending £15 on a takeaway if I was skint! I mean, you just - don't

OP posts:
TheMonster · 19/07/2011 20:36

No offence taken, KewCumber. I spend my life being jealous of thin people and people who can budget. It's my problem.
FWIW, they might be related. I can budget for someone else and control money at work, just not my own.

AuntyChrist · 19/07/2011 20:55

Also, regaining a lot of weight after a gastric bypass is not the same as yo-yo dieting. Patients are warned beforehand of the risks they take if they gain too much weight after such a drastic surgery. In some cases, the risks can be death.

hairfullofsnakes · 19/07/2011 20:58

I think the TheMagnificentBathykolpian has answered this perfectly...