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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give my DD 20 sanctions in 2 hours?

41 replies

Fairenuff · 19/07/2011 18:09

14yo DD is normally fairly well behaved but for the past 2 hours has refused point blank to tidy her room (a job which would have taken ten minutes and she is used to doing).

She basically said, she wasn't going to do it and there was nothing I could do about it. I said she would have a sanction (punishment) and she said all she needed was food and a bed to sleep in. Little madam!

So after leaving her a while to think about it, I finally told her that she would have 1 sanction per minute that she delayed. 20 minutes later, she is tidying her room.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 19/07/2011 18:10

YANBU. She's 14, not 4 - and if you've told her she's getting 1 sanction per minute she now needs to see that you'll follow through on your word.

worraliberty · 19/07/2011 18:11

Well it worked

But if it hadn't, could you really have thought of 20 meaningful 'sanctions'?

Sirzy · 19/07/2011 18:11

You have to follow through with your word now.

Although good luck thinking of 20 sanctions!

DogsBestFriend · 19/07/2011 18:13

Nope.

I'd have made it very easy for her - all she'd have been left with would have been a bed to sleep in, anything found on the floor or surfaces would have been binned and she'd have received her dinner when she'd cleared the rest up and apologised to me and not before.

(Can you tell I have a 14 yo daughter too?) :o

Original poster
Fairenuff · 19/07/2011 18:13

I will give her 20 jobs to do around the house. It will keep her busy during the school holidays and help me out at the same time.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 19/07/2011 18:14

IME teen girls respond well to having straightners removed Grin

20? Can you list them?

Original poster
Fairenuff · 19/07/2011 18:19

No tv, no computer, sent to bed early, no lift to school, no lift home from school, no sleepovers, no pocket money, no lifts to friends, no friends over, no mobile, no shopping! (no hair straighteners - love it)

Wash the floors, clean the cars, ironing, wash your own clothes, cook your own meals, mow the lawn, weed the garden . . .

ooh I'm just getting into this Grin

I feel better now.

OP posts:
UpsyDozy · 19/07/2011 18:21

I'm printing this thread out to refer to when my two DDs get older! Grin

worraliberty · 19/07/2011 18:21

And what are you going to do if she refuses to do all of those things in the summer holidays?

Give her another 20?

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 19/07/2011 18:25

Get her to come up with her own list.

Original poster
Fairenuff · 19/07/2011 18:30

worra I am hoping she will learn her lesson from this. What else can I do?

OP posts:
MaureenMLove · 19/07/2011 18:31

Do you really call them sanctions? Isn't that what they get told at school when they misbehave? Surely, just calling them sanctions is enough to get her back up?

Not disputing that she needs a kick up the arse, I have a 15 yr old girl of my own, but is telling her to tidy her room really an argument you need to have? I can't help thinking this argument ran away with itself.

I've given up with the bedroom. However, I have also given up going in there to collect washing! My theory is, if you want to be treated like an adult, start behaving like one.

Original poster
Fairenuff · 19/07/2011 18:37

Maureen we call them sanctions or consequences. Better, I think, than punishments. Don't really know what to call them that 'won't get her back up'.

The argument was more about her flatly refusing to do what she'd been asked and basically saying 'what are you going to do about it?'

I felt that she was challenging my authority and that it was important to reinforce who was in charge here. Other times I have let it go because I know she needs to 'win' sometimes.

Btw she has now done her room, has freely and generously apologised for her behaviour and is off to make her own dinner. 1 down, 19 to go.

OP posts:
ChunkyMonkeyMother · 19/07/2011 18:40

Sounds like you had all of these "Sanctions" ready for your slave daughter - give the girl a break, she's 14!

I'm not saying she shouldn't tidy her own room but a list of 20 things to do? Do you even do these things?

worraliberty · 19/07/2011 18:43

I don't know what else you can do but I have to say, 20 sanctions and then possibly more sanctions on top...well that's just going to drag the punishment on and on isn't it?

I mean it'll be a Summer of sheer drudge and misery and she's hardly going to be blaming herself...I'd say she's far more likely to begin strongly resenting you.

I find grounding and all the normal having things taken away until their behaviour improves, works in this house.

BuntyPenfold · 19/07/2011 18:43

Effective sanction 21 - no tweezers Grin

OldRedEyes · 19/07/2011 18:50

i think you need to pick your battles

if her room is a tip, so be it, she has to live in it

i wouldnt allow talking back though

Original poster
Fairenuff · 19/07/2011 18:50

worra if she doesn't blame herself then she hasn't taken responsibility for her actions. I don't want her to grow up blaming everyone else for her own behaviour.

How do you help a young adult learn how to be a responsible grown up if there are no consequences?

She knew it was 1 consequence per minute and she sat there for 20 minutes. How is she not to blame?

Chunky yes I do do all of those things. Don't we all?

OP posts:
MaureenMLove · 19/07/2011 18:50

LOL! Good for you.

Maybe it's because I spend all day, giving students sanctions and telling them, 'you know the consequences', that I can't bring myself to say it at home.

Poor thing, does rather get it in the neck sometimes, if I've had a shit day. I find myself saying, 'don't you bloody start, I've had a gut full of Yr10's all day!' BlushGrin

Don't get me wrong, she does get told off and I find the straighteners and phone, the quickest way to sort her out. DH favours, taking the fuse out of her TV! Grin

MaureenMLove · 19/07/2011 18:53

Well, the consequences of a tip of a bedroom is no clean clothes, smelly and no friends because she looks a mess and smells! Works for me! Grin

usualsuspect · 19/07/2011 18:55

Pick your battles

I would hate to spend my whole day fighting over a messy room

houseofheave · 19/07/2011 18:58

I think you handled it brilliantly.

purplepidjincantatem · 19/07/2011 18:59

Cook one meal a day and wash it up for 10 days = 20 sanctions - hardly a summer of drudgery! Add in hoover and load washing machine every day and it reduces to 5 days. Definitely NOT onerous, and an excellent way to teach lifeskills Wink

Original poster
Fairenuff · 19/07/2011 19:01

usual well we seem to have run out of towels so I would have to collect all of them from her bedroom floor. But the battle was more about the attitude tbh.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 19/07/2011 19:01

You did exactly the right thing once you had decided she had to do her room within a certain time.

Once you've picked the battle you have to follow it through.

Which is why I pick few battles Smile