To give my DD 20 sanctions in 2 hours?

[Fairenuff]

14yo DD is normally fairly well behaved but for the past 2 hours has refused point blank to tidy her room (a job which would have taken ten minutes and she is used to doing).

She basically said, she wasn't going to do it and there was nothing I could do about it. I said she would have a sanction (punishment) and she said all she needed was food and a bed to sleep in. Little madam!

So after leaving her a while to think about it, I finally told her that she would have 1 sanction per minute that she delayed. 20 minutes later, she is tidying her room.

AIBU?

Why bother? She has to sleep in it you can just close the door on it. When she cannot find anything clean because it is in her room thats a consequence of her actions. When she smells because her sheets do thats a consequence of her actions.

Well, I just meant the rest of the family need the towels . . . but yes, Fabby I agree that if she hadn't got on with the job I would just have to leave the room to fester

But I did not want to let her get away with thinking she can talk to me like that.

There is no question, that her attitude was not acceptable, but this is where I struggle with the sanction. Not the giving of a sanction, she clearly needed it, but to call it a sanction must have put her back up. Maybe she'd had a rubbish day. Maybe she'd been sanctioned for something at school and she felt, suddenly, that being at home, was just like being at school.

I do understand, really I do, that teenager need to know the boundaries, but I still can't help thinking that even using that word, gives them the hump!

It's a minefield! I know there are words that DD immediately gets the hump with, if I say them, like, 'don't treat this place like a hotel!' How many of us have had that said to us? It immediately makes you sigh and roll your eyes!

I wonder if maybe she'd suddenly too old to be told they are sanctions?

I'm over thinking this! I wholeheartedly agree with everything you've done so far! I just think it wouldn't have got so bad to need 20 'sanctions', if you had chosen a better word!

Maureen I understand what you mean. I am open to suggestions as to what to call them. Ideas anyone?

it dousnt matter what you call it. its punishment and shes not 4, she wont be harmed by a non positive reinforcement. you need to be tough, she needs it. you were not ott

When I was 14 my bedroom was spotless. Every Sunday my mother and I took it in turns to do either upstairs or downstairs, one done up the other down. We also had to take it in turns to do the family ironing for a family of five.

I also prepared all the dinners during the week as my mother worked full time.

I was the eldest.

Ya see I swore when I had kids I wouldn't do that to them, so now I have one lazy 23 year old, who doesn't live at home, and one fastidious 18 year old who does. But has never washed a cup or cooked anything, but hates mess.

It annoys the hell out of me that DD's bedroom is tip. I am so tidy. I was cleaning the whole of upstairs of a five bedroom house every week, by the time I was 14. I did it every weekend, until I left home, even when all I wanted to do was go out clubbing! Proper little Cinderella, me!

I don't know the answer really. I'm trying to think what I say. We've had a good few weeks, since our last bust up! The back chat is the worst! I think I just say something along the lines of, 'talk to me like that again and you'll be sorry.' Not sorry because I'll give her a slap, but sorry because she'll lose straighteners or phone or TV!

I also make a point of talking to her, when she's calm and I'm calm again about what happened. Afterall, that's what adults do, right? I explain my point and she gets to speak up too. I find opportunities when she's captive too, like in the car, to have a heart to heart about what makes everyone happy in the house.

It might not be everyones idea of good parenting, but it works for me and it's proven in the fact that my almost 16 yr old is a good girl, allbeit a rotten teenager at times!

YANBU about the attitude. I totally agree and I tend to find attitude gets my back up more than general misbehaviour. I can let bad behaviour go due to over exitedness etc.

DS is almost 7 and starting the backchat and I love your idea. I may try it on an age appropriate basis with him - starting with computer time. I minute lost for everytime he backchats shoud do it.

1 minute that should be

Speaking on behalf of lazy messy slobs I thoroughly applaud the OP. I learnt that my parents were inconsitent and slack at enforcing punishments. Nothing ever made me tidy my room. Not the smell, the mouldy cups, not being able to find anything... I did my laundry (because I like my stuff not shrunk).

Although the sanctions sound harsh, and I would have gone up like a rocket if it had been me, they will definetely be a good lesson for her daughter. "Didn't like the summer being full of tasks? Well you should have done what I asked!"

OPs dd knew the consequences and chose to accept them whatever they were. My sister tidied my room for me until she learnt the value of the 50p I paid her. -- And became immune to flattery, bribes, blackmail...

I used to have wooden floors and at one point I was getting a few big splinters. I came home one day from a trip to London to find my mother had tidied my room. It was absolutely spotless. The deal was if I kept it tidy for a month I could have a carpet. In the end they caved, otherwise I would never have had the carpet.

More recent years my room has been totally ignored, knee high in mess, who cares. Until I cracked.

It cost me £70 for my sister to tidy it up. the next time it was £100.

I still do not have the self-discipline to tidy up, although luckily I no longer have every single belonging crammed in a 10'x10' room. So I can be a lot tidier. My mother still does a tidy up when she visits my flat for the sake of her sanity.

I'm now trying FlyLady.

Ah Maureen you are so right about the talking it through. At the end of the day, it's a power struggle, and we often do negotiate and compromise.

DCs usually tidy their rooms at the weekend and on Saturday, I asked DD when she was going to do hers. She said 8.00pm and I said OK.

I didn't nag her about it because it wasn't that big a deal but when it got to today, I said OK no more stalling, it's time to tidy your room. Cue spade, dig in heels.

As you say, now she's calm again, she's pefectly reasonable and can see the error of her ways. Now she is actually singing to herself as she cleans the microwave (2 down 18 to go).

Fabulous! Job done then. I think it might just be time for your foot massage and pedicure!

I think you were a bit harsh,a sanction per minute didn't give her much time to get out of her moody strop.And we all had moody strops as teenagers.I think you may have just made a rod for your own back,she's definitely going to be moodier now that she has all those sanctions to work off!!
Maybe have a calm chat with her,tell her she really annoyed you and that certain rules are going to have to be adhered to.Then call off the sanctions and start again...if she's normally a good kid,cut her some slack on this occasion.

Thanks everyone for the reassurance. I will have to keep this thread to refer to next time. It's so hard to know what to do in these situations and DD was acting like I was the meanest person in the world!

I kind of went with my gut instinct but was aware that it could have all backfired on me. I do want to be firm with the DCs but not ridiculous or bullyish. Teenagers eh?

Hilda it'll be a cold day in hell when I call off those sanctions

Sorry, Hilda that sounded a bit abrupt but she HAS to understand I mean what I say otherwise she'll be worse imo.

I think she had plenty of time to cool off, I left her alone for at least an hour before I put the timer on.