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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my dd to carry on working

38 replies

Larold · 16/07/2011 11:54

My dd (17)has a part time weekend job in a garden centre that she doesn't like very much which is why she wants to leave. AIBU to encourage her very strongly to persevere with it ? She loves spending her wages so if she leaves she will want to start spending my hard earned cash again!

All opinions welcome

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 16/07/2011 11:58

Encourage her to find a job she enjoys - then leave. Not before. The witholding of your hard earned cash should help this process :)

FabbyChic · 16/07/2011 12:02

My son had a job in Asda for 8 months, he hated it, he said the worst part about it was the customers they were so rude. I told him if he hated it that much to leave, besides that I would prefer he spent time studying his A Levels rather than have to go to a job he hates.

I wouldn't do it why should I expect my son to.

nagynolonger · 16/07/2011 12:04

I would encourage her to find a job she does like before she packs the garden centre one in.

My ds would love any job but nothing going at all near here.

blackeyedsusan · 16/07/2011 12:05

she can leave if she wants but you will not give her any money to spend. her choice. she has to take the consequences.

(ok so perhaps a bit of pocket money in return for help around the house maybe)

catgirl1976 · 16/07/2011 12:06

She needs to learn that if she wants money she has to work. If she does hate the job, then of course, find something better but don't let her just walk out and expect you to subsidise her.

SpecialFriedRice · 16/07/2011 12:08

YANBU

At 17 I think she's too old for you to be giving her pocket money. She's old enough and surely smart enough to find herself a job she will like BEFORE packing in the old job. Thats life - She should get used to it.

(I stopped getting pocket money at 15 when I got my first job...)

FabbyChic · 16/07/2011 12:19

My children never had pocket money, they are now 23 and 17, what they wanted I purchased, Xbox games, nights out with friends.

Children have enough to contend with when they are taking A Levels they don't need the added burden of a job they hate.

Studies should come first, and time with friends to get away from the studying, Saturdays and Sundays are for lie in's to get away from the grind of studying.

Children are asked to grow up too soon nowadays with the responsibility of a job. Let them be children until they are 18 at least when they have to go to Uni and manage their own finances.

catgirl1976 · 16/07/2011 12:22

?? When they go to University will you continue to support them? Do you not think it might be an idea to teach them basic financial management and the value of money before they go to univeristy? Trust me - you are doing them no favours. My parents were like you and although they meant well, I had a hell of a time adjusting at Uni. I was doing all my food shopping in M&S and had no idea there were cheaper alternatives and couldn't budget to save my life. When I got in a financial mess I would pick up the phone and get them to send cash / pay my store card or credit card whatever. I got the shock of my life when they finally got sick of it and cut me off but it was the best thing they ever did for me. Just wished the had taught me about money a lot earlier.

Original poster
Larold · 16/07/2011 12:22

Thanks for your replies - I have told her that she can leave but only if she has another job first. She has tried handing out her cv's and applying for other jobs but no luck yet.

She is a bit of drama queen so will probably come home in tears today - I think she should just man up but she is starting to wear me down.

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 16/07/2011 12:23

I never encouraged my dcs to stay in part-time jobs that they hated but I didn't encourage them to pack them in without having found somewhere else to work. It's not actually helpful to them in the long-term to get the impression that jobs can be abandoned without taking any responsibility for the financial consequences.

DS2 had a vile Saturday job as a Pet Shop Boy when he was 16 (the man who ran the place was a dreadful employer and ghastly individual) but while I completely understood why ds2 wanted to leave, the alternative was not for me to start funding his social life again. As it happens, a bit of effort on his part found him a far nicer job that he did right up until leaving home for uni. That he did the looking was a formative experience.

Sometimes, and I'm not suggesting this is the case with the OP's DD, young people can be a tad quick to "hate" jobs simply because they've yet to understand that the world of work can be an imperfect one. Which is why it can be better to support them to find a better job than it can be to simple re-open the parental wallet again.

SuePurblybilt · 16/07/2011 12:23

Eh? Fabby, how did you come to the conclusion that it's 'nowadays' that children are expected to work at a younger age? I'd say the reverse is more true.

BertieBotts · 16/07/2011 12:25

I think I'd encourage her to look for a new one first before she quits as well. If she's really struggling to find one and she really hates it and it's starting to affect her schoolwork then I'd step in and say actually you've given it a really good go, but I'm here to support you and I'm going to do that now so you can concentrate on your schoolwork.

I'm not a fan of the approach to just buy things for children, even if you do apply principles to it (e.g. not everything they ask for, not things which are too expensive, having to wait for things sometimes) because I think that managing your own money is an important skill to learn, and the earlier the better IMO so it becomes more natural. Agreed it's probably not the best thing to come into contact with just as you are doing a levels!

BertieBotts · 16/07/2011 12:25

(come up against for the first time)

Original poster
Larold · 16/07/2011 12:25

Should have said that she is only part time at college so has lots of spare time in the week.

I just want her to appreciate the value of money and take pride in earning it too.

OP posts:
ShellyBoobs · 16/07/2011 12:26

FabbyChic - I'm sure we've all done jobs we've hated before, haven't we?

I once worked in a cardboard box factory, doing heavy manual work on night-shifts at the weekend because I needed the money.

Totally agree with other posters saying that the OP's DD should secure other employment before resigning her post.

We will be comfortably able to subsidise our DD's student life but will definitely push her to find some paid work. There's so much life-experience to gain from working, possibly more so in a job you don't much like!

BertieBotts · 16/07/2011 12:27

If you know she's a drama queen don't give in too soon! When I say really struggling I mean if it's been months! Of course if she's finding it overwhelming you can always help her look for jobs, suggest she asks around friends and family, look in different places etc.

Pandemoniaa · 16/07/2011 12:31

What an extraordinary attitude, Fabby! Even if you were rich enough to support your 18 year old "children" it strikes me as hugely irresponsible to release them to university without the faintest idea of how to support themselves. Neither my dcs or their friends (and I admit we were all a bunch of middle class, generally liberal, parents) were encouraged to sit around having their every whim indulged when they were quite capable of attending 6th form college and earning enough income to support their social lives. Nobody paid rent or keep but for sure, we did not expect to supply the everyday luxuries that the young people so desperately needed at this age! By the time they went to university they'd got a deal more money sense too. Which was actually the most important part of the exercise.

nagynolonger · 16/07/2011 12:38

I do agree that studies should come first. But my eldest 3 all did seasonal work at Christmas and worked in the long summer hols. It didn't harm their school work. In fact it spured them on to get better grades so that they would have better career choices.

Sadly my 17 and 16 yearolds haven't been able to find work for the summer. They are still trying. It is very important for teenagers to earn some money of their own and not just expect handouts. If they fail to get work they will work at home or for aunts and uncles (gardening/decorating etc.) I will not be handing out spending money while they sit on their bums for 7 weeks. The 16 yearold finished his exams weeks ago. Mowing lawns and cleaning windows are important life skill even if he earns enough to pay for someone else to do it in the future.

fluffles · 16/07/2011 12:39

it depends on how bad it is, i would always encourage a 17yo to stay EXCEPT if there are contraventions of H&S or if there is bullying.

lots of employers exploit young people and ask them to lift things to heavy, have no decent security or lone working policy etc. and rely on young workers' inexperience to not question this.

i also don't think anybody should put up with bullying just to pay for some new clothes and nights out - bullying destroys confidence, and i would only 'work through' it if i needed the money to pay the bills and eat.

but, it doesn't sound like your DD is really suffering in her job... so she should stick it till she gets a better one - it's FAR easier to get a new job when you're already in one.

Gotabookaboutit · 16/07/2011 12:47

Love FabbyChic idea that kids have to grow up too soon ''thease days'' when most people started full time work at 14 in my grandmothers generation and 12/13 is the age of majority for boys in many older societies - puberty for girls . I personally think we sometimes infantalise young adults with regards to finacial responsibility and it leaves them with unrealistic ideas of having a house/job/car on a plate in thier 20's

PonceyMcPonce · 16/07/2011 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iggly · 16/07/2011 12:50

I had jobs from 16 as didn't have parents who could support me. I did leave a job I hated and quickly found another - didn't expect handouts.

Parents should teach their children the value of money. They should also teach them the value of working - in today's job Market especially for graduates, having work on your CV can really help. Not everyone "knows someone" who can get a fancy internship a la Cameron et al!

Granny23 · 16/07/2011 12:55

17 year old DD1 spent the summer between leaving school and starting uni, working full time in the packing department of a knitwear firm. She came home exhausted and bruised each day, but really enjoyed it, fitted in well, was invited out on a hen night, etc. She says now that this experience taught her how hard most people have to work for small wages and powered her with determination to complete her degree. She always had a part time job throughout uni too.

DD2 spent 2 summers working and living away from home at Butlins, then worked throughout her college and uni courses for a specialist (degree related) chain store - part time in term time and full time during holidays, earning a fair amount and learning loads of technical stuff.

Speaking as someone who started full time work and managed my own money (2/3 to mum for my keep) from age 15, I reckon that the earlier young adults (they are not children @18!) learn about work ethic and money management, the better equipped they will be for the rest of their lives.

Original poster
Larold · 16/07/2011 13:15

Its not all bad either - she recently had a small pay rise. I think the real problem is the fact that it is quite hard work and she would prefer money for nothing !

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 16/07/2011 13:18

as others have said- leave a job when you have another job to go to - it is far easier to get another job when you already have one - much harder to be unemployed and try to get a job