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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these 'friends' are BU?

37 replies

HollyFP · 13/07/2011 21:12

Our DD's first birthday party next weekend, has been in everyone's diary for over a month. One of DH's closest friends (our best man in fact) has just emailed to say he and his DW can't come now, as she thinks she won't know enough people to talk to Hmm

She clearly has a few social problems as she didn't come to our wedding (despite her DH being our best man), but whatever. Why can't he come?! Apparently he has to sneak out to see friends on his own and he says he can't do this again this time.

There are so many things wrong with all this I don't even know where to begin. Angry

My DH feels upset and let down, like he doesn't mean anything to his friend anymore, even though the real reason is friend's wife and weird controlling habits.

I'm trying not to get upset about it but I just don't understand this whole sorry situation. Sad

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/07/2011 21:13

Sorry but you are being a bit PFB.. it is your daughters first birthday, which is obviously a big celebration for you, but you cant expect others to find it the pinnacle of their social diary.

AgentZigzag · 13/07/2011 21:14

Maybe he doesn't want to come and it's just an excuse?

youmeatsix · 13/07/2011 21:15

he has to live with "his wife and her weird controlling habits" though
and he may be very supportive of her

before i had children i hated being invited to toddlers birthday parties i have to confess, i sent a gift but got out of them as much as i could

icd · 13/07/2011 21:17

YANBU but if you don't have kids (and even if you do!) then children's birthday parties can be quite a chore... you tend to be surrounded with people who spend most of the afternoon running after their kids... Perhaps your DH could go out for a drink with his mate and ask him exactly what the situation is? The friend might not want to rock the boat and come alone, and perhaps thinks that there will be enough visitors anyway so it's not such a big deal that they don't come?

amIbeingdaft · 13/07/2011 21:17

His wife is being really, really weird, but it sounds like they have issues in their relationship which are more important than a child's birthday party. You need to support your friend through this, not make things more difficult for him. Sneaking out to see his friends? Doesn't sound like much fun for him Sad

BoojaBooja · 13/07/2011 21:19

I think that perhaps you're BU. As others have said, a child's birthday party isn't particularly important to an adult outside of the family.

PhishFoodAddiction · 13/07/2011 21:20

I think YABa bitU. Baby birthday parties are often quite boring, unless you're closely related to said baby. Maybe he just doesn't want to come?

Not sure what to think about his wife though. Not letting him out seems very wrong, but if she has social anxiety and hardly ever goes out, then I can sort of understand why she wouldn't want to be left alone.

DogsBestFriend · 13/07/2011 21:21

Why would he want to come? I'm sorry but it's a child's first birthday party... and that child isn't even his so the date is hardly going to be the highlight of his social calendar is it?

I can't imagine many things more boring and irritating than a child's party. Maybe he feels the same?

YABU. Plus, even if he does want to come to view his wife as weird and controlling when she quite possibly, from the sound of it, has mental health issues, is unpleasant.

Original poster
HollyFP · 13/07/2011 21:21

Thing is there won't be many kids at the party at all, most of our friends are child-free.
Also it's not the fact that I want them to see my beautiful lovely DD Grin, more that we haven't seen them for over half a year.
Sigh.

OP posts:
plupervert · 13/07/2011 21:33

She's not going to know anyone either, at this rate!

But seriously, her DH + your DH + you = three people already whom she knows!

However, if she is completely, cripplingly shy, there's not much you can do about it from such a great distance. Sad

PhishFoodAddiction · 13/07/2011 21:34

Any chance of getting a babysitter and going out somewhere with the friends? Would his wife agree to that? It's sad that you've not seen each other for so long.

PhishFoodAddiction · 13/07/2011 21:35

Not on DD's birthday obviously Grin

cjbartlett · 13/07/2011 21:37

Sounds like the friendship may have run it's course
I'd let the best man make the next move tbh
If he doesn't get in contact or suggest meeting up with your dh then you will know he's not that bothered

DoMeDon · 13/07/2011 21:40

I am really Hmm that people think someone's closest friend wouldn't want to go to their DC's bday. Most people I know want to celebrate important occassions in their friend's lives. Your first child's, first bday is pretty significant - I wouldn't class someone who wanted to avoid that as my friend.

It is a shame his wife finds life a struggle, it is great that he supports her. I don't underestand how they are BU. It is unfortunate they/he can't come but try not to take it persoanlly, they are not letting you down, they are unable to come due to their personal circumstances.

AgentZigzag · 13/07/2011 21:45

Before I had DC domedon my friend had a baby and I didn't get him a first birthday present because I didn't think he'd notice.

I had no idea it was about more than just the baby, honestly, didn't cross my mind until I had my own. Babies didn't mean anything to me at the time tbh.

It might look uncaring or cold, but the two worlds can be quite separate.

Original poster
HollyFP · 13/07/2011 22:00

First birthday parties surely aren't really about the baby, but a good chance to catch up with good friends you've neglected not seen for ages. What if it was DH's birthday party? Would people accept the same excuse? Confused

OP posts:
brodanbell · 13/07/2011 22:21

Kids parties when you don't have kids can be dull as dishwater. I used to avoid them like the plague, mainly because I felt not being in the 'club' made it tough to make conversation. It's also possible that perhaps he and his wife are maybe ttc or have experienced a miscarriage - again, it's the last place you'd want to be. Sounds like his wife has issues socially, so maybe the idea of a big gathering is the issue? Have you tried just inviting them over just the two of them and you and DH? I'd try that and see what repsonse you get - at least it shows you are open to keeping things going.

LovelyDaffs · 13/07/2011 22:25

Why would anyone want to go to a first birthday party unless they are family or other people with babies? I think you are being unreasonable. Catch up with them in a more adult way.

MogandMe · 13/07/2011 22:47

Childrens parties can be boring for adults ESPECIALLY a 1st birthday!!

Yes I like to celebrate events with my friends - their birthdays, job promotions, new house, great news - but I don't think it extends to children. Especially children I don't know or see very often.

I am a nanny and I like seeing my friends babies/toddlers growing up - especially ones I see regularly and have a relationship with. However most parties are boring and if I don't know any other adults to mingle with I might not show instead opting for a cuppa, cake and presents at another date.

So YABU.

startofnewterm · 13/07/2011 23:26

Just a thought, but have you considered the fact that they might by trying to conceive themeselves, and maybe its just not happening for them. It might be too heartbreaking for her to come along to a babies party.

smearedinfood · 13/07/2011 23:32

Or maybe next time calling her and speaking to her directly in a way that makes her feel included. She might just be a bit shy and need some tlc.

SouthStar · 13/07/2011 23:34

she clearly has issues about crowds or not knowing people. Good on her bloke for supporting her. Cant really see why he cant just show his face tho.
Cut her some slack and maybe try being more supportive than judgmental. Its only a birthday party, a kids one at that. How is it going to make any difference to your dd if they are there or not!?

muminthemiddle · 13/07/2011 23:40

I think you are being a bit unreasonable too.
it sounds like the wife has issues which prevent her from socialising at times. Did I read it right that she didn't come to your wedding?
It may be too much for her to come and her husband's loyalty will lie with her and not your chgild's first birthday.

bubblesincoffee · 13/07/2011 23:51

YABU, apart from the fact that first birthday parties are boring for anyone except the parents and grandparents, if this woman is so shy that she can't socialise with her dh's best friend, then she obviously has much bigger issues than someone declining an invite to a child's birthday party.

It's not an excuse to get together with friends you don't see much, if you wanted to do that you'd invite them over alone or go out to dinner.

You should be a bit more sympathetic and try to help her feel comfortable in your company if you and dh want to see more of them.

sunnydelight · 14/07/2011 07:58

I think small children's birthday parties are truly tedious unless you are family or have a really close tie with the child. Yes, it would be nice if she could grin and bear it for the afternoon but I find it hard to think badly of her for not wanting to, especially if she doesn't really know anyone to talk to.