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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these 'friends' are BU?

37 replies

HollyFP · 13/07/2011 21:12

Our DD's first birthday party next weekend, has been in everyone's diary for over a month. One of DH's closest friends (our best man in fact) has just emailed to say he and his DW can't come now, as she thinks she won't know enough people to talk to Hmm

She clearly has a few social problems as she didn't come to our wedding (despite her DH being our best man), but whatever. Why can't he come?! Apparently he has to sneak out to see friends on his own and he says he can't do this again this time.

There are so many things wrong with all this I don't even know where to begin. Angry

My DH feels upset and let down, like he doesn't mean anything to his friend anymore, even though the real reason is friend's wife and weird controlling habits.

I'm trying not to get upset about it but I just don't understand this whole sorry situation. Sad

OP posts:
ragged · 14/07/2011 08:06

I reckon this is the straw that broke the camel's back -- it's not about the baby, is it? It's about the disinclination to socialise, and the struggle to keep up a much valued friendship. I can see why your DH feels let down, OP (yanbu).

Original poster
HollyFP · 14/07/2011 08:14

ragged you've hit the nail on the head

OP posts:
begonyabampot · 14/07/2011 08:35

we used our kids first birthday parties as an excuse to get all our friends together (no family nearby to mark the occasion). It was more of an adult occasion than for babies so they're not always about loads of kids running around causing havoc.

Fleurdebleurgh · 14/07/2011 08:37

Yabu to have a 1st birthday party.

Original poster
HollyFP · 14/07/2011 08:38

That's what my DD's party will be like too, just her and one or two other babies but otherwise nice friendly adults drinking having a nice friendly time. Am Hmm some people find this a difficult scenario to be in.

OP posts:
Allinabinbag · 14/07/2011 08:42

HollyFP, she may have a social phobia!!!!

However, if she avoids you all on purpose and doens't want him to go out with you, then she may indeed be very controlling and prefer it to be just the two of them. Surely your husband has an idea if this is true by now, or if it is just that she genuinely finds social events very difficult.

This has happened to me, with a jealous wife who doesn't like her husband going out with his female or male friends, or even his family. Unfortunately, or fortunately for her, he adores her and is very dependent, there's nothing anyone can do except keep some lines of contact open.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 14/07/2011 08:45

Up until this year i havent actually attended any 'functions' on my friends and family (other than very immediate) for about 3 years. I have a few issues, but the one that effects me in relation to this is social phobia. Its is quite severe, but only really my DH gets it. For quite a while he wouldnt leave me for anything other than work. HE missed family funerals and all sorts that caused him a lot of grief from his family and friends, but i was simply too ill to be left on my own if he didnt really have to. His decision not mine. Thank god our friends (who dont really understand) just accepted this was just the way we were for a while. Im much better now, back to my bolshy slef in many situations. It was a very black time, and no, i didnt feel able to talk to many people about what was going on in my head, and my DH has since said he didnt either as it was also scary/confusing for him, he didnt talk to anyone about it either (other than doctors)

What Im trying to say is, you really have no idea what is going on behind the scenes, i come across as quite confident and a bit of a leader when im out, couldnt be further away from how i actually feel. And a social situation now leaves me exhausted for a good day after, keeping it together and the pressure i feel to preform are draining emotionally.

I know its frustrating for you, but you really dont know her reasons, i was like this for a few years, thats nothing really in the scheme of things, no need to write of a whole friendship because of it.

Morloth · 14/07/2011 08:52

I think perhaps you have no idea what is going on in their home/relationship/lives.

I have to admit I get a bit eye rolly at 1st birthday parties outside of family.

Some people are not very social, sounds like she isn't. As long as she hasn't actually chained him up your DH's friend has made his own decision to not come.

He obviously doesn't think it is a big deal.

exoticfruits · 14/07/2011 08:57

I don't think that it is your problem-she may have a social phobia, in which case it would be kind to invite just the two of them to something-more likely they don't want to do a first birthday which seems to me just to be either family, or other mothers with babies, occasion.

spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 09:01

its imperative that if you invite adults to a childs birthday party you let them know that there will be cocktails there, i dont go if there wont be cocktails, what would be the point otherwise. its important to the parent and fun for the kids but dire for everyone else unless there is cocktails.

AvengingGerbil · 14/07/2011 09:04

Maybe she just doesn't like you.

begonyabampot · 14/07/2011 16:09

spooks - you are right! Put cocktails and DRINK on the invite and sure there will be no problem enticing your friends round!

And Morloth what is wrong with using your childs 1st birthday party as an excuse to get friends together - especially as we have no family around so the occasion would have went unnoticed at all. And a lovely time everyone had as well.

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