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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think I am I'm so pissed off!!

34 replies

ruledbyheart · 11/07/2011 13:02

I'm so hurt, angry and pissed off.
I split with my ex quite a while back and we have both started seeing other people which on a whole is good and we all get on well.
I must admit I have struggled with the break-up at times and I am having counselling for it.
Last night I agreed ex and his gf could stay at mine as they were taking DC's out first thing and they cant stay at hers as her dad wont allow it (she lives next door) so I thought it would make sense and to save messing about with sofa beds etc I agreed to them having my bed whilst I had the sofa, all fine no problem.
I was still awake when they went up and they know this, but the next thing all I could hear was them having sex, every detail.
I got so angry that they disrespected me and my house that I got my trainers and walked to my bf's house at 1am which is a fair walk in the dark, and just burst into tears.
I came home this morning and they knew that I wasn't happy and apologised but made it seem like I was BU and over-reacting, was I?
I didn't shout or show my anger but just told them this morning that I thought it was disrespectful and bang out of order like they were rubbing my nose in it.

OP posts:
JohnniesBitch · 11/07/2011 13:03

wouldnt have hurt them to go one night wihtout doing the deed would it? disrespectful in my eyes so yanbu.

itisnearlysummer · 11/07/2011 13:05

I think you might have disrespected yourself when you let your ex and his new gf sleep in your bed!

What did you think was going to happen?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/07/2011 13:05

Very disrespectful and as for you giving them your bed??????????? The word mug comes to mind...sorry!! Next time, make her stay next door!

And get em to change your bedding for you!

Pandemoniaa · 11/07/2011 13:06

YANBU but for sure, you do appear to have invited them to walk all over you. I'm afraid that there's no way I would be prepared to let an ex of mine sleep with a new partner in my own bed - let alone have sex in it! If they aren't allowed to sleep together at her house, tough. It's not your problem They need to behave like proper adults and sort their sleeping arrangements out themselves. Right now it sounds as if they are about 13.

worraliberty · 11/07/2011 13:06

Why didn't they stay in their seperate homes?

Is it a good idea to have a BF while you're still trying to get over him?

SNOWBall4girlz · 11/07/2011 13:06

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all . Think you did well not shouting and stuff ....its so disrespectful :(

moomaa · 11/07/2011 13:08

Good for you for doing what is best for your kids and letting them stay but can't say I would have let them have my bed!!! Y So NBU

AnneWiddecomesArse · 11/07/2011 13:08

One Word. Disfunctional.
Second Word. Unbelievable.
However one reads it.
There are boundaries.
She lived next door, you walked miles in trainers leaving your children in the house with the fucking couple....
Any which way you read it, you need to wake up either way.

Sarsaparilllla · 11/07/2011 13:08

What's it gotto do with her dad whether your ex stays over? How old is she? Confused

I agree they've disrespected you completely but I never would've allowed my ex to stay at my house with a new partner, YANU but it was bound to end in tears :(

Jujo2011 · 11/07/2011 13:09

Shock OMG, this is horrific. I think it is completely disrespectful to you and your home to come in and have sex in your bed! I'm sure they could've gone one bloody night without a bit!!!

I think you were being very fair letting them stay (and in your bed!) more than what a lot of people would be willing to do (myself included). If they wanted to take the DC's out first thing they could've got up early and made their way to yours, not like they had a long way to travel from next door!

I don't think you are over-reacting at all, I think it's disrespectful and distasteful!

Pagwatch · 11/07/2011 13:09

I think you were trying so hard to be reasonable that you went too far.
Where your exs girlfriend stays is not your concern
And if she lives next door it would hardly be a problem for her to sleep next door and meeting first thing in the morning.

They were just awful tbh but you let them

Original poster
ruledbyheart · 11/07/2011 13:11

I know it wasn't the best idea to let them stay, but as I haven't slept in 3 nights due to DC2 and they said they would get up with the DC's I thought I might finally get some sleep.
My ex knew the rules about having sex in my house hence why I was so pissed off.
Worraliberty- my BF knows where my issues are and he is helping me work through them, he is aware of everything but still thinks I'm worth the hassle Smile

OP posts:
DogsBestFriend · 11/07/2011 13:13

What AWA said.

Furthermore, if you want to play at "we're all friendly, all one big happy family" then you've got to be able to carry it off. That means accepting that your ex and his gf are fucking, regardless of where and in whose bed - that point is really irrelevant - and getting on with it, and with your own life. If you can't handled that then surely you should be sensible enough to keep the two - you and your private life and ex DP and his private life - very seperate.

thursday · 11/07/2011 13:21

his gf lives next door to you with her dad who wont let her partner stay? how old is she? this is madness you know, letting him stay if you're on good terms is one thing, he could have had the sofa. giving him and his girlfriend your bed and then dictating what they do behind closed doors is crazy. they were mean to let you disrespect yourself by accepting your bed in the first place, and it was rude to have noisy sex in there.

you sound like you want to torture yourself. tell your counsellor as its obviously an area that needs addressing.

Original poster
ruledbyheart · 11/07/2011 13:24

Ex's gf is 21, ex is 35 her dad won't allow him to stay because of the age difference.
I know it's disfunctional AWA but I am trying to keep it amacible for the DC's.
They stayed because of taking the DC's out today if he didn't stay he wouldn't have been here on time and would have missed the transport, I don't think GF is happy about him staying on his own with his ex hence why I think she wanted to stay too.

OP posts:
tiredemma · 11/07/2011 13:26

One of the most mental threads I have read on here.

Agree with poster who described this as 'dysfunctional'

Why would you let anyone sleep in your bed when you are there?? especially an ex boyf and his gf. How old are they? (in fact how old are all of you???)

tiredemma · 11/07/2011 13:27

it is rude (and a bit freaky) to have noisy sex in someone elses house.

slugger · 11/07/2011 13:30

You realise that Jeremy Kyle's's people will be contacting you for a stint on his show based on this thread, don't you?

Original poster
ruledbyheart · 11/07/2011 13:35

Wish I never bothered posting now, should have known all MNetters will do is make me feel worse.
So not only am I being unresonable I'm a mug and my family is dysfunctional and I should take it to Jeremy Kyle?
So glad people understand I am hurt and upset.

OP posts:
SquiggleSplat · 11/07/2011 13:36

I nearly puked when I read that you let your ex and his new shag (scuse the horrible term) sleep in your bed! Why would you do that?! NOTHING is worth that!

Is he fucking with you?! Trying to make you suffer/jealous or something?

SquiggleSplat · 11/07/2011 13:37

By why would you give your bed up for them? They could sleep on the sofa or the downstairs floor surely!

suburbophobe · 11/07/2011 13:42

You'll run yourself ragged trying to accomodate everyone's wishes while neglecting/ignoring your own.

You don't owe his girlfriend anything.

Why couldn't he have got up earlier to catch the transport?

Last week I had to get up at 4 a.m. twice to do just that.

Rindercella · 11/07/2011 13:43

I am sorry you are getting a hard time on here, I really don't think it's justified.

I think you need to establish some very clear boundaries - your ex (and his new gf) very clearly overstepped the mark when they had sex in your bed and were incredibly disrespectful. But your own boundaries I think are quite blurred for allowing them your bed in the first place.

Trying to get on with your life and being friendly with your ex (I assume for the sake of your DC too) and still feeling hurt over your ex are not mutually exclusive: you are allowed to feel both emotions.

I suggest it is something you discuss with your counsellor and try to get some help with establishing clear boundaries and perhaps having some help with assertiveness. There is no way on earth I would give up my bed for anyone, least of all an ex and his new squeeze.

Have a hug, I think you need it.

AnneWiddecomesArse · 11/07/2011 13:47

Ruled. Keep it amicable, power to your elbow; but there's a difference between being amicable and saying "Bend me over and fuck me backwards with a huge barge pole"
His Timing, His transport, His Living Accomodation = His Problem.

You walking out of your home and your children when you hear them Fucking = Your Problem.
You can control your own actions. Nothing beyond that is within your remit/control.

I would have walked upstairs, interrupted them. Coitus Interruptes. I would have stated that this was my house; and I am only accomodating you for the convenience of the collection of our children. I would give them 15 minutes to get dressed and get out.

I wouldn't don my trainers and walk. So you do need a hell of a lot of counselling.

You know it's disfuntional, but you are trying to keep it amicable for the sake of your DC's. Your DC's have you as a foundation. If one of them had been sick in the night..

"Mummy heard Daddy fucking another woman in our house and I couldn't cope with it; so I walked for hours so I couldn avoid it. Terribly sorry I wasn't there child when you vomited/had appendicitus etc. etc. I was too busy walking to avoid the situation".

So instead of putting on trainers, you need to grow a set of balls and see a counsellor.

Catslikehats · 11/07/2011 13:54

This is all wrong.

They were rude to have sex in your bed but seriously what did you think they would do?

You need to set some boundaries. These should not include not having sex in your bed. Start with not staying at your house and certainly not in your bed.