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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about this?

46 replies

Kione · 08/07/2011 08:49

Its my birthday on wednesday and my DP has other plans. He has asked me to compromise and that we will go out for dinner on thursday.

I used to love my birthday, getting all those messages and phone calls and being happy, maybe I am childish but I like them.

So I was upset las night when he told me he is just no going tp be at home. Then the argument escalated because I think he always prefers to do other things (normally involving motorbikes) than being with me. He saya if I liked the races he could take me with him! but I don't think thats the point...

I keep feeling that he just prefers to do other things, and that me with DD are on his way.

Please don't be too harsh as I am quite upset as it is, having spent the night thinking the alternatives... :(

OP posts:
fernier · 08/07/2011 08:54

It depends what the other plans are - if its something thats easily rearranged then YANBU to be upset. If its something that can only be done that day then the next day would seem like a good compromise.

kayah · 08/07/2011 09:06

Depends what was the reason on both occasions.

TBH is not to much to ask for compamy of your DH on one evening out of 365.

and to keep that promise too

meditrina · 08/07/2011 09:06

His interest in motorbikes presumably isn't new, and you must have known he had a time consuming interest/hobby. I do not think it's right to expect him to change, nor sensible to set yourself up in a "competition" v his hobbies.

It is however different to ask him to be around on specific days. No matter how important something is to you - he is not a mind reader. (BTW Did you actually ask him to keep this weekend free?)

I think YWNBU to explain that this has upset you, and to say you want important dates dealt with differently in future. Agree about reminders in future years. Then put it behind you, go and enjoy your birthday treat (on whichever day you have it) and make sure that time together is good for both of you.

Then - what are you and DD going to do in all the time you have? What are you interests - what have you never tried, but always secretly wanted to?

WriterofDreams · 08/07/2011 09:12

I get where you're coming from. DH can be slightly guilty of this too at times, although he's very particular about birthdays so he wouldn't go out on my birthday. However, I do understand the feeling that he is carrying on his own life and that you have no priority. I flipped at DH one time because he kept making plans to do things with other people but whenever I suggested anything he was always too tired or not interested. He never ever suggested going anywhere with me. It pissed me off because it made me feel like I wasn't interesting or important to him - I was just there when he got home, like a piece of furniture. I think, for us, it was just a case that he was taking me for granted - he said he liked just chilling out with me and didn't even think of the fact that I relied on him somewhat as a friend who I wanted to go out and have fun with. He improved a lot after that but I do have to remind him now and again. It's not too much to ask him to make you feel special by going out of his way to be there for you. That's what partners are supposed to do.

33goingon64 · 08/07/2011 09:13

My DH told me he would be going to his usual sports class the night of my birthday a few years ago (a Wednesday). I know he loves this class and hates missing it and he did arrange a nice evening out for us together on the Friday. But, the thing is, he goes to this class twice a week anyway, so he would only have missed one of two classes that week if we had gone out on my birthday.

Must admit I convinced myself it was a red herring and that he would surprise me with something, or at least change his mind part way through the day and come home to spend the evening with me. But no, he went to his class. Because I had thought he was joking I didn't arrange plan B so once I realised he definitely wasn't coming home a colleague/friend took me out for a meal. Which was very nice, but I felt so pissed off at DH.

When he got home I exploded and said how selfish he had been. He was astonished and said I should have given him clearer signals (WTF????!!!it was my birthday!). So the moral is, maybe you need to let him know what your preferences would be. dH now understands that birthdays, the actual day itself, are important. And yes maybe it's childish but who cares!

We also occasionally have the 'you would rather be playing computer games and working out than spending time together as a family' discussions... But then I figure he works all week and doesn't get any time to hang out doing his own thing, whereas I do get to see my friends and go for walks in the park, eat cake etc while he's at work. It will be a different story once I'm back at work though...

Good luck sorting it out.

Original poster
Kione · 08/07/2011 09:21

Thanks for the kind replies.

The event is a motorbike race, its a whole week of races and it will almost ALWAYS be on my birthday. Last year me and DD where away so he was free as a bird to do what he pleased, the previous years we where moving house so he didn't go, and the previous one he took me out for dinner (I think that was the previous one anyway) I can't remember him not being around but we only have been together for 5 years.

You are absolutly right about the hobby being older than me and that he shouldn't change, and in fact this is what I tell my friends when I have to explain why he seem to always be doing other stuff.

I didn't ask to keep his wekend free, its a wednesday, and I didn't know/remember about the races. Because is a school night it was going to be a quiet meal and come back home nice and early.

When I got upset I said thank god I arranged lunch with some of my colleages (when I used to work) and that would be home before 4 or 5 (implying that at least I will be in some company, maybe shouldn't have said that but you know how arguments can turn) then he said he had arranged to finish work early (at 3) to be with me for a couple oh hours. But that he won't bother now :( :(

OP posts:
WriterofDreams · 08/07/2011 09:24

Hmmm so he's not going to be there so you arranged something else, and then he sprung it upon you that he'd be home early from work, just at the right moment to make you feel guilty?? Sounds like a red herring to me. Did he tell you he'd be home early? What if you'd made an appointment or some such, does he just expect you to be waiting for him when it suits him?

BimboNo5 · 08/07/2011 09:26

Although I think people are ridiculously precious about adult birthdays in general I think on this one ocassion you should be able to choose when you celebrate and him put you first here.

Original poster
Kione · 08/07/2011 09:27

Meditrina about MY hobbies, I actually like bikes too, except more riding them than watching races, but DD is 21 months so I actually had to give up on mu bike because unless we attach a sidecar, its about impossible to for me to go on it. We actually changed the name on my bike so he can use it until DD is big enough to go on the back with me (is only a small bike).

Other than that we live in a tiny place and honestly there isn't much to do. And most of the things I used to do have to wait until she is bigger, walking, hill climbing, cycling or partying!

OP posts:
tethersend · 08/07/2011 09:31

Hang on. It's her BIRTHDAY. Why the fuck should she have asked him to keep it free? It's not like it's come as a surprise to him, it's the same day every year.

OP, YANBU. I would be fuming. What plans have you got for his birthday?

Original poster
Kione · 08/07/2011 09:35

No, I arraged luch and was hoping to go for dinner too. I go for luch once a week with people so that nothing special. Its the fact that he thought I was going to be home until 3 so we could spend 2 hours together. I don't feel guilty at all, he can not expect for me to stay alone all day (not alone, with a 21 month old).

He doesen't do red herrings or anything as such, he is crap at surprises. He acuses me of spoiling them! like this, the surprise was that he was going to spend 2 hours with me!!! come on the more I think about it the more bewildered I am.

BimboNo5 I understand what you say, but I am a bit sensitive about this, this is not my home country, no family around, and me and my mum always used to do somethin, nothing big, just a pub lunch or something the two of us and then ice-cream or something and as she passed away a few years ago I just dont like being alone. If I tell him all this (which I am sure I have in other occasions) it will feel like emotional blackmail and I am not doing that.

OP posts:
meditrina · 08/07/2011 09:35

You didn't mention your hobbies, and I had (unreasonably) assumed you were in a bit of a trough and had lost your interests.

So - get a babysitter (share cost equally) and go and do them all again! Start now. Do not put any part of your life on hold! You could also probably manage all, except perhaps the partying, with DD. Or he could take her to the bikes sometimes, giving you the chance to do more challenging routes with your friends.

meditrina · 08/07/2011 09:38

tethersend: some people just don't get the importance of birthdays. You can bang on all you like about "should". But if you've got a DH who is one that doesn't, it's only going to lead to repeated disappointment unless you remind.

Original poster
Kione · 08/07/2011 09:39

I mean LUNCH.

He says he is not fussed over his birthday, in previous years I cooked him a meal. Now DD's is one day earlier, last year we where in my home town (cos I wanted her to have her first there) and he keeps rubbing that in my face! But he is not fussed about birthdays! Anyway I was going to cook something he likes as usual, I don't think he would want to go out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 08/07/2011 09:43

meditrina I have managed to borrow a really nice bicicle (gave up mine tto when pregnant, was a bit crappy anyway) to go with him, got it 2 days ago, and we could get his mum to babysit and all taht has been talked about. Cool. But that doesen't change the reason why I am upset...

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 08/07/2011 09:44

Anyways, what I am getting from this is that I am not unreasonable, its good to know :)

I need to shake this sadness somehow, and I just don't know what to do about him. For now I might go and buy a nice perfume!

OP posts:
MorticiaAddams · 08/07/2011 09:46

If it's an event that he's been going to for yours then I would just leave it and go out on another day.

You say that you went away with your dd one year so it can't be vital for him to spend the day with you.

Original poster
Kione · 08/07/2011 09:46

Of course is not, thats what upsets me...

OP posts:
diddl · 08/07/2011 09:50

I can´t see anything wrong with celebrating on a different day tbh.

Unless my bday falls at the weekend, husband is usually & work, & we might not go out in the evening if it´s work the next day.

tethersend · 08/07/2011 09:50

meditrina, look at it the other way round- Much is being made of her DP's hobby, and how she knew about this when they met, therefore she is BU.

Birthdays are important to the OP, and her DP knew this when they got together. He should have adapted.

I cannot understand how anyone could think that OP is in any way being unreasonable to want to be taken out for dinner on her birthday by her partner.

tethersend · 08/07/2011 09:51

Morticia, OP has been having her birthday on that day for many more years than DP has been going to that event. She wins.

JanMorrow · 08/07/2011 09:55

Yeah I'd be annoyed, you shouldn't have to ask him to spend your birthday with you. What a douche bag.

caughtinanet · 08/07/2011 10:03

Its the celebrating the birthday that's importants surely, not the date you do it on. Adults, and it does tend to be women, getting upset about this comes across as a bit childish imo.

Neither the birthday or the bike race are going to change their dates so unless you're going to get upset every year you're going to need to deal with it.

tethersend · 08/07/2011 10:07

Hmm, I think an adult male putting a motorbike race before his partner's birthday is more childish, TBH.

"Neither the birthday or the bike race are going to change their dates so unless you're going to get upset every year you're going to need to deal with it."

This is exactly what OP should be saying to DP. Why can't he 'deal with it'?

MorticiaAddams · 08/07/2011 10:08

tethersend, she doesn't "win" just because she's been having her birthday since she was born. They have only been together for five years and some of those they have spent together on her birthday and some not, there doesn't seem to be a precedent set.

I just don't get it when adults get so upset about how it has to be on their birthday and going out a day later means you have to question your relationship.

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