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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset about this?

46 replies

Kione · 08/07/2011 08:49

Its my birthday on wednesday and my DP has other plans. He has asked me to compromise and that we will go out for dinner on thursday.

I used to love my birthday, getting all those messages and phone calls and being happy, maybe I am childish but I like them.

So I was upset las night when he told me he is just no going tp be at home. Then the argument escalated because I think he always prefers to do other things (normally involving motorbikes) than being with me. He saya if I liked the races he could take me with him! but I don't think thats the point...

I keep feeling that he just prefers to do other things, and that me with DD are on his way.

Please don't be too harsh as I am quite upset as it is, having spent the night thinking the alternatives... :(

OP posts:

tethersend · 08/07/2011 10:11

What I'm saying Morticia, is that the very idea that his hobby takes precedence because it's been happening for longer is a complete nonsense.

snoopdogg · 08/07/2011 10:14

Me and STBXH are separated. It's my birthday on Monday and I'm away with the kids this weekend so he won't see them until next weekend.

He had our 2 ds for tea yesterday and neither came back being useless at hiding something in that cute way kids have so I won't even get a birthday card from my boys.:(

Original poster

Kione · 08/07/2011 10:21

yes tethersend and I think I am being the adult by not asking him to choose, because I haven't I just got upset last night at realising that I will be alone.

Some other years he has been there, I think the races goes: one day practice, one day race, so maybe the dinner I remember fell on a practice day, don't know. I also remember goint to the race with me sometime so maybe thats how we spent it.

But this year he hasn't ask us to go go with him, he just said "I ask you for a compromise and go out on thursday". I thought about it and last night I said no. I am not going out on thursday. Sorry. Childish, maybe. Its how I feel.

OP posts:

caughtinanet · 08/07/2011 10:23

tethersend - the difference between the bike race and the birthday is that the birthday can be celebrated on any day at all whilst the DP can only attend the annual event on the date it happens.

If I had a hobby/passion that had an annual event on the same day as my DH's birthday I'd be pretty annoyed if he asked me not to go because he was upset about having to wait 24hrs to go out for a meal.

I don't see that its a case of anyone winning or taking precedence, its just a fact of life that sometimes you just have to compromise, maybe next year the bike event will be on a different date.

snoopdog - sorry to hear about your birthday - that is something to be upset about

Original poster

Kione · 08/07/2011 10:26

MorticiaAddams I have explained why its a bit special for me. Its one of those things. My mum didn't like Christmas, didn't like other stuff, we liked birthdays and we like making a nice day for the birthday person. Maybe I haven't grown out of that, she passed away, maybe thats why. But its not much to ask is it? a bit of love on a special date? On a very important note, I don't even like to remember the date when she died, but I very much remember her birthday, i buy a bottle of champagne and buy some lovely food, thats how we used to celebrate hers, she loved chapagne. So I have been doing that with her and without her, on her birthday every year (no chmpagne when I was underage of course)

OP posts:

Original poster

Kione · 08/07/2011 10:27

Yes snoopdog that is bad. But I think you could ask and explain your boy why they should get you a card or something and maybe they will do it by themselves next year? Just an idea.

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Original poster

Kione · 08/07/2011 10:30

what does STBXH stand for?

OP posts:

PhilipJFry · 08/07/2011 10:30

You are not being unreasonable, and I think some people should pay more attention to the fact that he got in a huff and told you that he'd arranged to get out of work a few hours earlier than usual but now he "wouldn't bother". That's a very childish thing to say/do. Withdrawing like that just seems like a way to get back at you, and the fact that this on your birthday makes it seem especially spiteful. He could have turned around and said that he'd planned to do this rather than use it in an unpleasant way.

tethersend · 08/07/2011 10:31

Birthdays cannot be celebrated on any other day if birthdays are important to you. Ditto anniversaries. And hey, there are other races, right? Why doesn't he just go to another one on another day?

"I don't see that its a case of anyone winning or taking precedence, its just a fact of life that sometimes you just have to compromise"

But only one person is expected to compromise- the OP. This is what's getting my goat. Why is her DP not expected to compromise?

caughtinanet · 08/07/2011 10:32

Sorry to hear about your Mum Kione, an interesting post that has illustrated how different people are.

The fact that you don't remember the date your mum died will be strange to some but maybe you could use that to see how others feel about birthdays - they just don't value them in the same way that you do. I don't see it as any indication that your DP doesn't love you, he just doesn't get that someone could feel so strongly about their birthday

snoopdogg · 08/07/2011 10:36

soon to be ex husband
ds aged 2 & 6 so not up to shopping alone just yet, also something inherently tragic about supervising the making of one's own birthday card.....

CurrySpice · 08/07/2011 10:36

YANBU and I don't care if anyone thinks I'm "childish" I love my birthday being celebrated and being made a fuss of.

Original poster

Kione · 08/07/2011 10:36

I Do remeber it it was 6 years ago, but I don't like to remember or think about it, I don't go and put flowers on her grave. I am sure she will like me more remembering and celebrating her birthday than being upset on the date she died. And I prefer to do that too. I love to sit and remember all the birthdays we spent as we had a bit of a stormy relationship, those days where always an oasis and fun.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kione · 08/07/2011 10:38

So I don't like being alone on mine. When DD is old enough we will go to the best restaurant in town and drink champagne! Until then some 16 years forward, I have to rely on DP for making the day a bit special.

OP posts:

DrCoconut · 08/07/2011 10:53

Does anyone seriously get "taken out" for their birthday? Or indeed any other ocasion. I think I'm onto a winner if I get a card!

Original poster

Kione · 08/07/2011 10:56

DrCoconut do you mean wifes/partners right? My dads wife does, my sister does, my friends do (and they have a child too) and some of the posters her do, so... YES

OP posts:

tethersend · 08/07/2011 11:48

Dr. Coconut, are you really asking if people get taken out by their partners for occasions? Really?

COCKadoodledooo · 08/07/2011 12:07

My birthday was a bit of a non-event this year. That was because it happened to fall on a Friday, our busiest night of the week (swimming and cricket and kids not in bed until gone 9).

Dh made me a cake though, which ds1 iced when he got home from school in the 30 seconds we actually had at home. We all had a slice and they sang me happy birthday between swimming and cricket.

Dh had also bought stuff to make me a nice dinner the following day (budget not up to meals out atm), and made sure the chiddlers were in bed early so we could make the most of it.

I kinda get where you're coming from op, but as long as your birthday is celebrated sometime (and with him offering to take you out the following evening it will be), then YABU. A bit.

Original poster

Kione · 08/07/2011 12:21

I don't call "a bit of a non-event" if youy DH makes you a cake!!! I think that is the sweetest thing! I don't want to go out, thats not the point at all. I just don't want to be alone in the house doing nothing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kione · 08/07/2011 12:21

And if he made a cake and then go to the races, I might even forget him!!

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 08/07/2011 12:29

OP I completely get where you are coming from. We are big on birthdays in this house and make a huge fuss whenever possible - but it is an unwritten rule that we keep family birthdays clear. Even if we don't do anything specific, it is not nice to spend your birthday alone.

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