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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help Broody at 27!

27 replies

Chocoholic27 · 04/07/2011 21:52

Dear all out there, was wondering if anyone out there has any words of advice! I am 27yrs old and have been very broody for a couple years!! I do feel as though I am emotionally, physically and mentally mature enough!
My boyfriend is 33yrs old and is not interested in having children now, I dont know when but just not now...maybe 3 years or 5 years! Who knows?

I have 3 ways of dealing with this, just ignoring it and hoping it goes away until my earlies by which time, we should have more financial security. The second being I just immerse myself in my career (accountancy) and make loads of money. Or thirdly keep reminding him about the baby thing.

Help!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocoholic27 · 04/07/2011 21:54

I was meant to say early thirties in the 3rd paragraph

OP posts:
shivster1980 · 04/07/2011 21:57

I was broody at about 19 so 27 isn't too young to be either broody or a mum. So in that case YANBU

However if your boyfriend is not ready for children you cannot force the issue. That will not do your relationship or any subsequent children any good at all.

Fernier · 04/07/2011 21:58

Ask him when he wants children, make sure he knows how you feel about it. Other than that if he really says no then there's not MUCH you can do apart from either carry on as now or find someone who does want children now or ever!

TartyMcFarty · 04/07/2011 21:59

I think you need a more definite idea from your DP about whether he wants children at all. It's too important an issue to risk wasting too much time waiting around for him. And I say this as someone who ended a long relationship over this. As it happens, that in itself opened now DH's eyes to what he really wanted. That might not happen for you, but be ruthless.

Fernier · 04/07/2011 21:59

Btw i am 27 and pg with number 5 it's not that young Grin so don't think age is an issue which is why I would be careful to check he wants children in general not just when.

TheThingUpstairs · 04/07/2011 22:00

Does your DP want children in the future at all?
YANBU to be broody at 27!

Original poster
Chocoholic27 · 04/07/2011 22:00

Thanks for your words of advice Shivster1980 and Fernier comforting to have people understand my predicament! I am definitely not going to force anything! :) x

OP posts:
Firawla · 04/07/2011 22:02

I would try and speak to your dp about it, i think you definitely do need to get the feeling is he interested in kids at all or is it going to be a keep putting it off indefinitely kind of thing? because just thinking even another 3 or 5 yrs really is ages to be waiting, so it is difficult.. depends how strongly you feel about it and how long you are willing for him to be on board with it. Personally I would be keep reminding and bringing it up, definitely don't think 27 is too young at all.

Original poster
Chocoholic27 · 04/07/2011 22:05

TartyMcFarty and TheThingUpstairs you are probably right there. The question is does he want children at all..we have been together for 4 years and it is coming to the point where I need to make a decision. Having children is really important for me!
Fernier I bet you have a right little brood there and never a dull moment..I love children!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocoholic27 · 04/07/2011 22:08

Firawla yes it is difficult. I do not want to cut of nose to spite my face,that wouldnt be fair on me and what I want in future. Yes wasting years away especially as a broody woman like myself can probably have the opposite effect and make me quite resentful. So yes I am just going to be frankly honest, got nothing to lose at least I will know where I stand!

OP posts:
TryLikingClarity · 04/07/2011 22:10

OP - you are not at all unusual, and 27 is a fine age to want to TTC.

As others have said, have a word with your partner to see what he thinks.

Also, think about what your priorities are: money, time, children etc. It's great you have a career, but as many threads on here say, often it can turn to crap once a child arrives. Think about whether you'd want to keep working, stop work or go part-time if you had a child.

I will be 27 later this year and had DS when I was 25, best (and most difficult) thing in my life.

There is no right or wrong time, just what suits the 2 of you.

x2boys · 05/07/2011 08:26

i was boody at that age too but unfortunatley not in a stable relationship met my dh at 31 married six months later pregnant six months after that so for me it was just about meeting the right man am now 37 and have two beautiful ds ,s

x2boys · 05/07/2011 08:27

sorry that was supposed to say broody

Xiaoxiong · 05/07/2011 09:44

YANBU. Sit down and talk to him about it and he may surprise you.

Anecdotal sample of one (me and DH):

I'm nearly 28 and my DH is a year younger than me. I vividly remember on our honeymoon last year sitting down and discussing kids and timing. Initially I thought he would want wait at least 5 years, then turns out he thought 30 was a good age to start TTC (so even my initial assumption was wrong!)

When we discussed actual timelines (come off the pill, let cycles get back to normal, could take months or even years to conceive, increased risks as mother gets older, once conceived it would then be 40 weeks until baby born, then how many years until child started school etc) I think it threw him actually having to think about the nitty gritty and after some discussion he suggested we start a bit earlier to give ourselves time in case it took a long time or something went wrong. He definitely didn't want to be an "old dad" like some friends of ours who have had their first baby and the father is nearly 50, and he is finding it really hard to cope.

What I'm trying to say is that there's a chance that while he says "not now", if you actually sit down and review the step by step timeline of having a child there's a chance that he will realise that if he does want to start a family there's at least a year's lead time before you actually have that baby. At 33 he may feel like he has ages, but if you say

  • ok if we wait 5 years you will be 38 and I'll be 32, if we wait 10 you will be 43 and I'll be 38
  • then it could take years to conceive
  • then there could be miscarriages
  • then the older I am the greater the chance that something could go wrong
  • then 40 weeks until the baby's born
  • if all goes well it means you will be a 50 year old with a 6 year old child - if it is more difficult you could be a 50 year old with a newborn...or with no child at all...

He may realise there's not as much time as he thinks.

SarahBumBarer · 05/07/2011 10:10

What will happen if in 2-3 years time your "boyfriend" still does not want children? What if you break up? This was the situation which I was in at 29 and it was devestating.

You really do need to understand whether 1) he ever wants children and 2) whether he feels he wants to have them with you (difficult conversation).

At 33 years old your partner will already be 52 by the time your eldest is 18 and any younger children are in the full throws of teenage angst. That is tiring! Add another 3-5 years to that and ...

I'm not saying older parents aren't great - this is the situation that DH and I are in but we have had to think about what this will mean for us in our 50s when some of our friends are retiring and going off on cruises/SADding etc.

In my very relevant experience the most exciting accountancy projects in the world are no substitute for DC (when you want DC).

spookshowangel · 05/07/2011 10:18

lol by 27 i had 3 so i dont think it is particularly young to be broody. i am having one now and worrying that when it is 20 i will be 50 and thinking thats a bit old to be identifying and things Grin (aware its not before i get flamed) mostly because when my eldest is 18 i will only be 36. so now i dont think its to young if you want a kid now chat with your guy or find a better guy

GiddyPickle · 05/07/2011 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thingsabeachanging · 05/07/2011 10:39

I had to have a conversation like this with my husband. He had some serious emotional issues with it at the time and we nearly split. In the end we worked through the issues and now have a lovely child (and he now wants more!).

But it is hard and it is a big risk because you shouldn't try to force someone into a big decision like this.

When we first discussed it we both said we would like kids before 30 (he is 2 years older than me). When we started approaching that time he suddenly went into a panic over it and changed his mind (he had issues!). I had to say that while I could cope with not trying for kids just yet I needed to know that we would be trying reasonably soon as I couldn't cope with never having tried! I would resent him and we would be over in anycase.

I was willing to walk away over it as if he maintained that he didnt want children we were incompatible.

We worked through his issues together and in the end it was his choice to start trying when we did.

Oh and dd was born 3 weeks before he turned 30

frazzle26 · 05/07/2011 11:01

You need to get a definite answer from your partner as to whether he actually wants children at all. It would be awful to carry on with your relationship for several more years before you either finish for whatever reason or he announces that he definitely doesn't want children. You could then find yourself in the position of being single, getting older and having to find a new partner and establish that relationship before you can even think about babies. Sorry to sound like the voice of doom but he's 33 and he should be able to give you a firm answer either way, it's only fair so that you can make up your mind whether to stay with him. IMO, he seems like he's saying what you want to hear in the hope that it will placate you for now to get out of discussing the issue properly.

TrillianAstra · 05/07/2011 11:04

Hello :) Welcome to Mumsnet. Do stick around, even if you decide not to start trying for a baby yet.

CherryDrops · 05/07/2011 11:45

I could have written this, but I'm a couple of years behind you. Been with my boyfriend 4 years, he's 29 and I'm 23. Since the start of this year I have been feeling more and more that I really want a baby, but he definitely doesn't want kids just yet (but does want two of them within a few years). I want to be a youngish mum, I'd like two kids before I'm 30, but feel like I'm just hanging on until he decides it's time. I'd like to be married first, which automatically puts a few years waiting time (waiting for a proposal, planning the wedding, etc.) and it feels like it's never going to be my turn! He's just in no rush to do any of this while I would happily marry him tomorrow and have a baby the next day if I could.

I don't have anything particularly useful to add, it's just a waiting game for me. I know we want the same things, we're just working to different schedules.

eurochick · 05/07/2011 11:57

I was in a similar situation. I got together with my OH when we were 27/28. Neither of us was looking for a committed relationship then, let alone kids. But somehow we stayed together.

At around 30/31 I started to think I wanted kids at some point in the future and wanted us to move in together to see how it would work. He was flatsharing and wanted to buy his own place because he had never owned. He also said he didn't think he wanted kids. We broke up briefly but got back together after he said he had had a think and did want kids eventually, just not yet.

When I was 32 we moved in together (which took a bit of pushing). As my 34th birthday approached I was preparing to end the relationship as he didn't seem to be ready for kids. I had mentally divided the CD collection and was planning to get a lodger in, etc. On my 34th birthday, he proposed. We got married quite quickly because we decided we would try for kids after (I didn't want to be a pregnant bride). We got married 7 months later and started TTC shortly after that, just before I turned 35.

I am now 7 cycles down the line with no pregnancy and going through fertility testing. He is a great bloke but I am quite resentful that he made me wait so long. Taking a while to conceive is a different prospect at 32 than it is at 35. I feel like time is running out now.

He did come round in the end but I do question whether I was right to wait so long for him to be ready.

JollySergeantJackrum · 05/07/2011 12:00

I broke up with a serious boyfriend when I was 20 as he admitted he didn't want children. I've been broody since I was about 16.

DP and I got together when I was 21. He was 31 at the time. I made it clear, pretty much from the outset, that having children was very important to me an that I'd like to start fairly soon. DP made it equally clear that he would not contemplate having children until we had a mortgage and a house.

We saved up and bought a house in 2009 and started ttc in 2010 when I was 24. DS is now 10 weeks and I am 25.

Because we were both open about our expectations we managed to come to an arrangement that suited us both. I would suggest that you discuss with your partner exactly why he is stalling - he could be the same as my dp and have this vision of how he'd like things to be and just be waiting for it to happen. My DP would not have put himself about to buy a house although that was his aim. I think he hoped it would just happen! In the end it was me who looked into mortgages and properties and who set up a savings account etc. In the end we had to get a shared equity deal (no deposit required) as that was the only way having a baby was going to happen on my planned timescale.

catwoman2011 · 05/07/2011 12:25

I was with a boyfriend for 8 years before I realised that he was never going to marry me or ever want children. I sold our house and left him.

Within a few months I bumped into DH. Met him in march 07 found I was pg in the October, married in January '08 and had DD in July '08 DD is 3 next week and DS will be 1 in September. DD was a surprise btw.......and so was having to get married. We are also going to start TTC #3 next month.

Sometimes it is better to break away. My DH is amazing and I wish I'd not wasted those years on my ex and had met DH instead (although I'd probably be on DC6 by now if I had lol).

Mrswhiskerson · 05/07/2011 12:25

Hello I am twenty eight and I had my baby at twenty seven , it was a happy accident but I was not truly ready to have a baby and found it very hard for a long time , now he is the light of my life and enhances every single day.
What I am sayin g is make sure your dp is truly ready because it is hard at first and your life does change drastically that is hard even for people who have been wanting a family for years.

Have a talk with your dp and see if he is not ready just yet or does not want children at all. If it is very important to you to have children and your dp does not it may be you need to decide what you want more a life with dp and no children or to find someone who does .

Stay on mumsnetit is a great place for advice and it is good so
etimes to talk to anoymous people who have been there before but are not biased towards you or your partner iyswim.

Good luck I hope you get everything you want .

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