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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is our friend BU?

35 replies

Empusa · 03/07/2011 15:28

So our friend is a single mum (husband being a fuckwit who keeps coming back and then running off again) and she has an 8 year old DS.

Her DS has unfortunately been stuck in the middle of some pretty nasty arguments/fights between his mum and dad. He's also seen, by his mum, as a mini version of his dad. She's openly said, in front of him that she wants to go out and go to parties but there is a "burden hanging around her neck". He's well aware who she means.

His computer (that he uses for homework etc) has been having problems recently, so my DH has offered to do what he can to fix it. As he's been doing this he's discovered that one of the parts needs replacing, and if the part isn't replaced it is most likely going to break all the other parts.

So he's pointed out to her that if she replaces that part (£25), then the computer should continue working for a lot longer. If she doesn't, and it breaks, then she'll have to replace the whole computer (more like £300). Now she has her own computer, which her DS is forbidden to use.

Her response is, "if I can't afford a new computer, why should I spend money on my DS's computer"

She always manages to find money for her nights out though.

Now I know we're BU for judging what she spends her money on, so there's no point telling me that. But I feel so bad for her poor DS who is constantly being told (or shown) that he's just an inconvenience to her.

OP posts:
diddl · 03/07/2011 15:35

Why can´t his father pay for it or buy a new computer?

AgentZigzag · 03/07/2011 15:38

They sound like a right pair, I couldn't be friends with anyone who thought it was acceptable to say such things to their child.

What she does with her own money is her business I suppose, but it does sound unfair on her DS.

Original poster
Empusa · 03/07/2011 15:39

"Why can´t his father pay for it or buy a new computer?"

Because he's a selfish twat. :(

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 03/07/2011 15:39

She's being unreasonable in a number of ways and the computer part is the least of the poor boy's worries. If you and your dh feel so strongly couldn't your dh just dip into his pocket and replace the part anyway if your budget will run to it?

Original poster
Empusa · 03/07/2011 15:41

Unfortunately we've just had to pay out some huge medical bills for our pet(s), otherwise we'd be tempted. And have done so in the past.

OP posts:
diddl · 03/07/2011 15:41

So the poor boy is actually with the "lesser of the two evils"?

FabbyChic · 03/07/2011 15:41

Your friend for want of a better word is a selfish bitch, i feel for her son I really do, unfortunately it is children like this boy that end up in trouble later on because of how they have been made to feel when they are younger.

I'd not be friends with her seriously, someone that selfish? No I couldn't do it, I'd tell her too how selfish and evil she is.

Original poster
Empusa · 03/07/2011 15:42

Basically diddl

I mean, I don't doubt she loves him. But she has this overriding desire to be free of her "shackles"

OP posts:
Original poster
Empusa · 03/07/2011 15:44

"I'd not be friends with her seriously, someone that selfish? No I couldn't do it"

We've walked away a few times, but our love for her DS means we feel it'd be better for him if we stuck around. Plus she's a friend of the family, so it's difficult.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/07/2011 15:46

The 'U' part is really that she sees the poor kid as a mini version of a man she clearly hates. Everything else stems from that, unfortunately. If you're close to this woman, anything you can do to try to get her to stop blaming a child for the way he looks might help.

Birdsgottafly · 03/07/2011 15:49

Are you honest with her over the treatment of her son? You shouldn't be staying silent whilst she treats her son badly. It may give her a wake up call as she may just be taking her frustrations out on him, which is unfair.

Child abuse/neglect/ill treatment only continues while everyone stays silent.

HidinginaHardHat · 03/07/2011 15:49

Sounds like she needs a break, a proper break. Does she get weekends 'off' or even perhaps a week to herself?

It's hard making the transition from family to single parent and you can't get over the break up in the same way you would if you didn't have children. Perhaps if she had some time out she may drop her inexcusable behaviour and see that her son isn't a millstone round her neck but actually a huge positive in her life.

If she's done all the above then agreed she is a twat.

Poor kid.

Original poster
Empusa · 03/07/2011 15:50

If anyone has any advice on that, it'd be much appreciated!

Though I imagine the best thing would be if she didn't keep letting the dad back in the family home only to have him fuck off again. Every time it happens it just reignites the hatred. Even her DS is begging her not to take the dad back again.

OP posts:
diddl · 03/07/2011 15:50

But they both sound awful.

I´m sure many of us feel "shackled" even with a helpful partner.

But we don´t tell our children.

And i can´t imagine not giving up "my" computer if a child needed to do homework.

That said, I think it´s awful that it´s assumed that all children have access to a computer at primary school outside of school hours.

Original poster
Empusa · 03/07/2011 15:51

"Are you honest with her over the treatment of her son?"

Yes, very. And when you tell her she agrees, but never acts on it.

Hiding she does get weekends off and is out most nights. Tbh her friends see her DS more than she does.

OP posts:
HidinginaHardHat · 03/07/2011 15:52

Then she's a twat who needs battering about the head with a mouldy banana.

Seriously, she needs to grow up or hand the boy to a relative who will bring him up in a loving environment.

oohjarWhatsit · 03/07/2011 15:53

So the poor boy is actually with the "lesser of the two evils"?

how do you work that out

they both sound selfish twats
and she sounds worse because she is belittling & humiliating the little lad

Original poster
Empusa · 03/07/2011 15:54

If I could I'd take him. He's a lovely boy, though obviously has some (unsuprising) behaviour problems.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 03/07/2011 15:55

I'm sure everyone feels the pressure of having children at some point or other, but the difference is that this mum actively wants her DS to know what an inconvenience he is.

And if you don't feel you fit in at home, where do you fit in? Sad

Original poster
Empusa · 03/07/2011 15:55

Honestly oohjar the dad is worse. She may say those things, but she wouldn't actually abandon hewr DS. Unlike the dad.

Both horrifically shitty things to do obviously, but still.

OP posts:
Adagoo · 03/07/2011 16:15

I am :( for this boy.

I wouldn't be friends with someone who did not prioritise their child's happiness over their own.

The woman lacks the emotional intelligence to see that her son is a brand new person, not a copy of his dad. It is tragic that she is putting her negativity on to him.

PrettyMeerkat · 03/07/2011 16:22

Poor little boy! Sad Angry

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 03/07/2011 19:24

If you've told her what you think of her behaviour, and explained why you believe this is having a negative effect on her ds's behaviour, you're going to have to continue reinforcing the message by pulling her everytime she speaks about her ds in an uncaring manner.

You say she's a family friend? Can you appeal to other members of your family to raise the £25 needed for the computer part - is it cheaper on eBay?

It sounds as if her ds has a safe haven with you - do you act as childminder/babysitter while she's off out with her mates?

IMO it's not BU to judge someone for what they spend their money on if it's being spent on their personal pleasure while their dc's needs are neglected.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/07/2011 20:09

"She may say those things, but she wouldn't actually abandon her DS."

Maybe Hmm - but HE doesn't know that. She is constantly telling this child he is a burden? Angry

Birdsgottafly · 03/07/2011 20:16

In all fairness though an 8 year old doesn't need a computer. The way she speaks infront of him is what you should concentrate on. Also possibly the amount of time she spends away from him.

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