Is our friend BU?

[Empusa]

So our friend is a single mum (husband being a fuckwit who keeps coming back and then running off again) and she has an 8 year old DS.

Her DS has unfortunately been stuck in the middle of some pretty nasty arguments/fights between his mum and dad. He's also seen, by his mum, as a mini version of his dad. She's openly said, in front of him that she wants to go out and go to parties but there is a "burden hanging around her neck". He's well aware who she means.

His computer (that he uses for homework etc) has been having problems recently, so my DH has offered to do what he can to fix it. As he's been doing this he's discovered that one of the parts needs replacing, and if the part isn't replaced it is most likely going to break all the other parts.

So he's pointed out to her that if she replaces that part (£25), then the computer should continue working for a lot longer. If she doesn't, and it breaks, then she'll have to replace the whole computer (more like £300). Now she has her own computer, which her DS is forbidden to use.

Her response is, "if I can't afford a new computer, why should I spend money on my DS's computer"

She always manages to find money for her nights out though.

Now I know we're BU for judging what she spends her money on, so there's no point telling me that. But I feel so bad for her poor DS who is constantly being told (or shown) that he's just an inconvenience to her.

"She may say those things, but she wouldn't actually abandon her DS."

She should NEVER say anything like that. It's irrelevant that she doesn't mean it. The child will remember and will FEEL it! That is so awful. Someone needs to have a word with her/them.

Yes, she is BU.

And an awful mother. The computer business and her nights out aside, what kind of mother tells their 8 year old child they are a burden.

That poor little boy!

Why is an 8 year old so dependent on a computer for homework?

Scholes He isn't dependant on it. He uses it sometimes.

PrettyMeerkat I know, I just wish we could make her listen. She'll say things like "he knows I love him", like it makes her comments ok.

"It sounds as if her ds has a safe haven with you - do you act as childminder/babysitter while she's off out with her mates?"

Yes, as do other family members.

I bet she wanted to walk out first and is pissed off that her partner beat her to it.She sounds vile.Please don't cut off contact, you could be this little lads only safe and pleasant haven.

'She'll say things like "he knows I love him", like it makes her comments ok.'

Well next time she claims that, point out that actually what he knows is that his mum resents him.

I agree with WhereYouLeftIt. I think you need to tell her that it is damaging him. If you don't who will?!

What do your other family members think of the way she behaves?

It's not just her husband who is the fuckwit.

He's an eight year old boy seeing and hearing his mother call him a burden and behaving as though she does not want him.

At the risk of sharing too much (again) I know of someone (daughter of an acquaintence) in a similar situation, she had her son young, his father doesn't help in any way. She constantly talks about how her son ruined her life by being born. He's a lovely boy but he's already tried to commit suicide once because he wanted to make his mum happy.

No matter what your friend does that is good, it's the bad things that are going to have the biggest impact. Her son deserves better than both parents.

And if she's out most nights and doesn't have him at weekends then he's not much of a burden to her party lifestyle is he? He's going to grow up knowing that yes she might love him, but not enough to put him first, stay at home with him or make sacrifices for him if they inconvenience her.

"What do your other family members think of the way she behaves?"

Um.. they aren't the most helpful, supportive people, they tend to prefer standing back and watching people's lives turn to shit and then say, "we told you so".

But of the more sensible ones, they rally around as much as possible. So the DS does have people around who love him and let him know that. I know the others give a hell of a lot of money to this friend to buy food etc. And they have the DS round their houses a lot. They also take him out for fun days out and spoil him.